My favourite 2 alternatives to "fuck off and die" are: "suicide's an option" and "suck a dick and die" (i'm aware the latter is not very sensitive / politically correct, but the question was posed and i answered it honestly )

Dear Ingrid, she speaks five languages and can't act in any of them. (actor John Gielgud on actress Ingrid Bergman)


Julia is very big-mouthed. When I was kissing her for a film, I was aware of a faint echo. (actor Hugh Grant on actress Julia Roberts)


Mary, do you always walk around in your mother's clothes? (Ann Robinson to a contestant on the quiz show The Weakest Link)


David Hassellhoff is more wooden than Pinocchio with a stiffie. (comedian Mark Lamarr)


Her mind is a very thin soil, laid an inch or two upon very barren rock. (writer Virginia Woolf on writer Katharine Mansfield)


To say Christie's characters are cardboard cut-outs is an insult to cardboard. (crime writer Ruth Rendell on crime writer Agatha Christie)


Sleeping with George Michael would be like having sex with a groundhog. (Boy George)


Tony Blair is so weak and vulnerable now, Madonna is thinking of adopting him. (comedian Rory Bremner)


For the Blairs' official Christmas card, Tony and Cherie decided not to smile, in case they couldn't fit the card into the envelope. (Ronnie Corbett on "Have I Got News For You?")


Attila the Hen. (Clement Freud on that dreadful Thatcher woman)


Thatcher is doing for monetarism what the Boston Strangler did for door-to-door salesmen. (Labour MP Dennis Healey)


Tony Blair is the ultimate air guitarist of modern political rhetoric. (Writer and broadcaster Will Self)


* * * *

'I said Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian - and I stand by it: He's the daughter Cher wishes she'd had.'

Joan Rivers.

Maggie Smith on Glenn Close:-

"She's not an actress, she's an address."

* * * *

Piers Morgan on Ian Hislop:-

"A miniscule balding lump of cynical lard."

* * * *

Martin Clunes on Catherine Zeta Jones:-

"Catherine raised a few eyebrows with her flirty behaviour with veteran actor Sean Connery, a man old enough to be her husband."

* * * *

Paul Kay to Demi Moore:-

"Would you ever consider keeping your clothes on if the script demanded it?"

* * * *

Mrs. Merton (Caroline Aherne) to Debbie McGrath:-

"What was it that first attracted you to the millionaire magician Paul Daniels?"

* * * *

Mark Lamarr on David Hasselhoff:-

"More wooden than Pinnochio with a hard-on."

* * * *

Boy George on George Michael:-

"Sleeping with him would be like sleeping with a groundhog."

* * * *

Dennis Healy on that awful Thatcher woman:-

"She is doing for monetarism what the Boston strangler did for door-to-door salesmen."

* * * *

Queen Alexandra on the death of her husband Edward V11:-

"At least I know where he is now."

* * * *

If I want you to talk, I'll shove my hand up your arse, and work your mouth like a dummy.

If you could sue sperm, I'd sue the sperm that made you!

Confusious say man with itchy bum wake up with smelly finger

That boys stupidity is as obvious as a boner in a pair of sweatpants

I wouldn't piss on you, If you were on fire!

"If you hurry down to the sewage treatment plant you might be able to save your twin. Some big guy just flushed him down the shitter."

"I don't have a twin!"

"To be honest I didn't see him, but he was wearing the same cologne."

I don't like you. So if you continue to insist on speaking to me, please pretend to be someone else.

You're the reason that everything has warning labels.

Not only did you fall and strike every branch of the ugly tree, but you were truly rewarded when the whole damn ugly tree fell onto you.

Can you whip out your cock for me?
why?
Because I want to look directly at the lesser of you two idiots when I say Im not interested.

If I had a penny for every time I thought about sucking your cock, I would still be at a zero balance.

“You starvelling, you eel-skin, you dried neat’s-tongue, you bull’s-pizzle, you stock-fish–O for breath to utter what is like thee!-you tailor’s-yard, you sheath, you bow-case, you vile standing tuck!”


......................................................................

“You are as a candle, the better burnt out.”
--------------------------------------- added after 67 seconds

Old school!

Shut your cock holster (mouth).
Are you sure you are not gay, because your breath smell like seminal fluid.
Your cock is so big that it finishes second every time it races your nose.
They say, "you are what you eat." You should stay away from overly hairy assholes.

Save your breath, you'll need it to blow up your date later.

Your Dad should havepulled out

If brains were rain, you'd be a desert.

Can I borrow your face for a few days while my ass is on vacation?

If I wanted to hear from an ass, I'd fart.

If I wanted any shit from you I'd squeeze your head...

Your as useless as tits on a nun

Nice dress! I bet it looked good when it was new

Winston Churchill was the most badass professional put-down artist:

"Mr. Churchill, if you were my husband, I'd poison your tea."
"Madam Speaker, if you were my wife, I'd drink it."


"Mr. Churchill, you are drunk!"
"That may be true, madam, but you are ugly and in the morning I'll be sober."

George Bernard Shaw: "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend—if you have one."
Churchill: "Cannot possibly attend first night; will attend second—if there is one."

The actress Tallulah Bankhead went to a party and a bloke came up to her and exclaimed: "Tallulah! Haven't seen you for at least forty years."
To which Tallulah replied: "I told you to wait in the car."

* * * * *

A face like yours needs to be wiped out of the crack and flushed down the toilet.

Or Who needs birth control with a face like yours?

When they said brains you thought they said trains and you missed yours.
Useless as big tits on a nun

If you were twice as smart, you'd still be dumb.

Your birth certificate is an apology from the condom factory...

The gambler to his girl friend .Marry me and I'll never look at another horse.

Joan Rivers on Paris Hilton:-


"Paris Hilton is doing a reality show, it's called "I'm a celebrity, get him out of me."


* * * *


This one is attributed to Marlon Brando:-


"The four pillars of wisdom that support journalistic endeavours are: lies, stupidity, money-grabbing and ethical irresponsibility." (Good one, Marlon).


* * * *


This one is attributed to Paul Newman:-


"I wish I could sue the New York Post but it's awfully hard to sue a garbage can."


* * * *


Some more from Joan Rivers:-


"Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory."


"With Mick Jagger's lips, he could French-kiss a moose."


"A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her look like Bo Derek. He gave her a lobotomy."


"Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn't remember the lines."


* * * *


Bette Davis on Joan Crawford:-


Joan cries a lot, her tear ducts must be close to her bladder."


* * * *


Lucille Ball on Katharine Hepburn:-


Katharine isn't really stand-offish. She ignores everyone equally.


* * * *


W.C. Fields on Mae West:-


"A plumber's idea of Cleopatra."


* * * *


Judy Garland on Lana Turner:-


"Lana's a nice girl but its like sitting in a room with a vase."


* * * *


Howard Hawks on Cecil B. de Mille:-


"I learned an awful lot from him by doing exactly the opposite."


* * * *


Sam Goldwyn on Louis B. Meyer:-


"The only reason so many people turned up at his funeral was to make sure he was dead." (Bit like Thatcher, then.)


* * * *


Sam Goldwyn on Mary Pickford:-


"It took longer to make one of her contracts than it did to make one of her pictures."


* * * *


Frank Sinatra on Robert Redford:-


"At last he has found his true love. What a pity he can't marry himself."


* * * *


Estelle Winwood on Katharine Hepburn:-


"They call her Katharine of Arrogance."


* * * *

I am the king of knockbacks!

"If anybody else tells me what I already know, I'll run up the wall."

This is a put-down I came out with myself when I went to a party a couple of years or so ago. I got caught in a heavy rainstorm and had forgotten my umbrella, when I arrived, the host said: "you're soaked." I went into the kitchen and a guest said: "you're soaked." I went upstairs and another guest said: "you're soaked" so I let fly with that retort. Fortunately, nobody else said the same thing so I didn't have to run up the wall and as it was a gay nudist party I was able to take my clothes off and let them dry over a radiator.

This one is attributed to Groucho Marx:-

"I never forget a face but in your case I'll make an exception."

* * * *

"A night out with that old trout? I'd rather have a wet weekend in Chalfont St. Giles."

Jeeves to Wooster by P.G. Wodehouse

* * * *

"Is there any beginning to your talent?"

Clive Anderson to Jeffrey Archer

* * * *

"Vile, the worst of British values posing as the best."

Alastair Campbell on "The Daily Mail" newspaper, NOT the voice of reason it so smugly considers itself to be.

* * * *

"Dear Ingrid. Speaks five languages and can't act in any of them."

Sir John Gielgud on Ingrid Bergman

* * * *

"Go count your dick" is one of my favorites.

Heard this on the tele the other night............If I had your face I'd be ashamed!

"I hope your butt grows shut"