Hi everyone, I’m Sam, using my real name as I think it’s quite a common name. If I ended up making one up I would just use another really basic name so may as well use my own lol.

I’m 30 years old from Manchester in the UK.

I’m really at a point in my life right now where I’m struggling. I feel so stupid and I honestly don’t know what to do about how I’m feeling. I’m struggling to function.

Im a dad of two children. Both under 4. I’m also married. Absolutely no problems in the marriage whatsoever. I’m happy generally speaking.

I’ve got a best friend, his name Tom. I was considering changing his name but I weighed up the options and thought we aren’t known enough to be identified outside of this forum, so I’m not going to pretend, that’s his real name.

Tom and I have been friends, best friends since primary school. We’ve been through secondary together, even university. We lived together through uni, we bought an apartment together as a first home, did a bit of work together, but when we were 25 got our own jobs and he’s just gone from strength to strength in finance, I work for a local council. A couple of years ago I let Tom move his now wife into our home as I moved into my own wife’s house.

The last few years we’ve both started our own families. I’ve known my wife 6 years now, Toms wife he’s also known since school so obviously I know her too. Lovely girl. My wife gets on with her. We’ve supported each other through the birth of our children.Funnily enough we both have two children, both born just weeks apart from each other. Everything in unison lol.

I’m so proud of my pal how well in work life he’s done. I would be honest and say I haven’t made it to the exact same heights as him, but throughout our lives, everything we’ve done is support each other.

I will never forget our uni days, we did some modelling together, worked in sports stores, modelling for certain brands, the adventures we had, the fun nights out.

I lost my mum in really sad circumstances back in 2016, Tom was my rock through that time. Nothing has ever got inbetween our friendship.

I got married to my partner, all absolutely amazing. Recently Tom get married, almost one year to the day of my marriage.

Tom’s wedding day was like something you would see a footballer or film star have. It was very let’s say perfect. I hate using that word.
Tom’s wife certainly knows what she wants and she certainly got it. It was very her and Tom loved it. Obviously I was his best man. I made that day for him his dream. Nothing short of perfection was good enough for him in my mind. It was absolutely beautiful.

The last few months my life has changed I’ve cut down my work hours mainly to be more of a stay at home dad as my wife had an amazing career opportunity I didn’t want her to pass up on, so I cut down my hours substantially. I love my kids more than life itself. Me and Tom constantly are in contact.
The last couple of months, Tom and his wife have been having loads of mini holidays, weekends away, unfortunately I can’t do that due to my wife’s work so I thought I would help out by being the Mr reliable babysitter. Meaning I’m in charge of 4 kids quite a lot of the weekends recently. Good job I’m up for a challenge.
I love it. Love the chaos. I know Toms children well and both my eldest and Toms eldest are like mini versions of us becoming best friends too. It’s amazing to witness.

We've literally lived life together in the most beautiful intense way.

Tom I would describe as an absolute perfect looking guy. He’s fit, he’s got a great body, he’s charming, he’s polite… everything.

How would i describe myself? I look after myself but I’ve not been in the same position to be able to maintain myself to the standard he has, let’s put it that way, trying to be kind to myself lol.

A few weeks ago Toms wife was working away, I went over to his house for dinner and a night on the Xbox, I was staying over, remember his house is the one I still half own and used to live in full time.

My wife and went to her parents with all the children including Toms.

Me and Tom that evening made a nice meal before our Xbox night. It was great just me and him again. I told him how much I had missed just us chilling without responsibility, he agreed. We get quite competitive on the Xbox. I won after 4 hours of solid play.

Tom was happy in defeat, we had a bit of a cushion fight like idiots.

Got quite full on andTom was just playing. We both were, and we were just messing about and we were you know had our hands on each other fighting like we were teenagers again. We were laughing. Tom got up and said he was gonna go shower.

I said I would have one too he said come in my room in 5 he would get me some towels sorted etc. No worries, 5 mins later I went to his room. He had his top off. Just carrying on getting his things ready and pointed towards the towels. Then he just stood talking to me. I was almost having a panic attack looking at him. I can’t explain it. I couldn’t keep my eyes off him. I identify myself as a straight guy. So is Tom. Never done anything or shown interest in men.

Both of us have been comfortable around each other in the past with our bodies, we’ve done topless modelling together before as well as you know changing rooms stuff like that. Never been a problem. That moment thought I was just in awe of him and looking at him differently. I can’t understand it.

I told him I felt unwell. He came towards me and said sit down lad. He helped guide me towards the edge of the bed and sat next to me with his arm around me. I just told him I felt faint. It was a really hot night temperature wise. He sat there talking to me for 5 minutes, I told him I was ok then he went to shower.

I was in his room. I don’t know WTF was wrong with me, I just started looking round his room, going through his drawers. I felt weird. Like seriously wtf was I doing. I am ashamed to say I even opened his laundry basket. I wasn’t even looking or touched anything, I was just going through the motions.

I grabbed the towels and went to the room next door got myself ready for the shower. I went on the landing, Tom was still in there. I know the layout of the house and it’s as if my mind was saying just open the door. Never once when we lived together did we ever lock the bathroom door. So it was open. I could still hear the water, there was no chance he would see or hear me if I went in which I did, I didn’t even think, I just opened the door. Tom had a radio on, I looked round the corner towards the shower.

Tom was facing away from me, he was stood there I could see his ass, and could obviously see his hand doing what he was doing stood up. I heard him make one noise of pleasure and I got out of there went into my old bedroom and closed the door. I burst into tears.

I don’t know what was wrong with me.
I’ve never been the same since.

10 minutes later Tom came in dressed and clean and just said I can go in now.

I had my shower. I don’t want to say how I was or what I did in there, but I got out and then went straight to bed.

The next morning we had breakfast. I had to tell him I wasn’t well and went home. That’s the first time in my life I have ever been uncomfortable in my best mates company. This was only a few weeks after his most beautiful wedding and the wedding day I helped make possible for him which will be in my heart forever.

A couple of weekends ago, I babysat for him again. We had still been texting and in touch but obviously I had that night on my mind and it had been playing on my mind too.

Had a beautiful weekend with his children, but on the Sunday evening I got the kids ready to go back to toms about 90 minutes earlier than agreed. I was feeling quite tired with an early start the following day.

I had a key for toms house to take them home so that wasn’t a problem I didn’t ring Tom obviously as my idea was to surprise both Tom and his wife by getting them to bed nice and settled after their date night or wherever they were going.

I got to the apartment and their cars were there, but that didn’t matter or ring alarm bells as they’re so close to the city they walk in and out of it anyway.

I put my AirPods in as I was getting the kids out listening to a podcast and just zoned out a bit. I went inside the house with the young kids and everything was quiet or so I thought. No signs of anybody in, I went into the living room I clearly hadn’t heard anything due to me listening to the podcast and I literally walked in seeing Tom in Missionary Position with his wife on the sofa banging the hell out of her. I froze. They had no idea I had come in I pulled my airpods out my ears I could just hear Tom moaning and saying things to her. The boys were quiet there is no doors to open and close. I literally couldn’t move. I eventually started to back out before anybody saw me…

I got back out the apartment. I just put the door slightly closed no noises and I just backed off to my car, gave it 15 minutes with the boys and then called him and said I was here, then basically ran to the door before he saw it was unlocked. When I called him he clearly wasn’t finished and when he met me at the door he was a little offhand in only the tame way Tom could be.

I went back home and all I could think about was what I saw. It remained burned in my mind. I still haven’t recovered from it.

Last week Tom called me he wanted my help being referee for a football game at a club he volunteers at. I agreed. I hadn’t been texting him everyday.

I did the match with him. He was more than fine with me. I felt I was being off hand a bit.

In the staff showers it was just me and him. I just wanted to be normal. All of this was normal up until this point in our lives.

I was in there with him, Tom went straight in the shower he was talking to me whilst in there, I couldn’t stop looking at him. I got incredibly hard whilst looking at him. I had to hide it and make excuses why I couldn’t shower.

I lied to him that my wife needed me at home. He even offered to drive me. I just wanted to be away from him. When I got in the first thing I did was literally just wank. It scared me and it has scared me ever since. I was looking at photos of me and him over the years. Every little innocent photo of us I was twisting in my mind. I couldn’t stop looking at him. It was a photo from his wedding day that got me in the end.

Since then and that was only a few days ago, I’ve just been depressed beyond belief. I can’t stop thinking about him and looking at him. I don’t know what to do. These feelings are suddenly so powerful in my mind. I’ve almost lost control. I’m worried about the state I’m getting myself into. I feel like I love him. It’s the most weird thing ever. What’s wrong with me? Why now? I don’t want to lose him.

He’s coming round my house tonight. I don’t know how to be. It’s making me unwell and distressed about seeing him.

I can’t understand how I’ve got Like this.
If anyone has any advice I would really appreciate it. I found this forum through stress browsing in the early hours. Found so many varied topics. Thought this would be the place to be and go seek some help.

Sorry to bother you with this lads.

Sam