Soldier 1: I HAVE BAD NEWS FOR YOU PRIVATE!

Soldier 2: I AM A GENERAL AND NOT A PRIVATE!

Soldier 1: THAT`S THE BAD NEWS PRIVATE!

Superman flew over Paradise Island and saw
Wonderwoman on a hill top; she was lying on her back
and her legs were spread wide apart...

He flew in for a closer look, and noticed her
pussy lips were expanding and contracting while
her tits were bouncing... as if On Their Own!

Superman felt aroused. He thought to himself,
"I'll fly down there and fuck her at Super speed,
and then I'll fly away before she knows what hit her!"

And THAT, he Did...

BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM!
BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM!
BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM!
BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM!

...and he immediately flew away.

Dazed and bewildered, Womanwoman looked around
and asked "What the fuck was That?!"

the Invisible Man got up and said,
"I don't know. But my ass HURTS like a Motherfucker!!!"

The White House.

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Who needs jokes when there are so many idiots in real life?

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor." "Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell." "My dear," the doctor said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is." "The problem is," she complained, "it wakes me up!" 

James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "State-of-the-art watch? What is so special about it?" "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically," Bond explains. "So what's it telling you now?" says the woman. "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties," Bond replies. The woman giggles and says, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!" Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."

I went to the doctors the other day. He said I needed to stop masturbating.

I asked him, "why?"

He said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"

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--------------------------------------- added after 33 seconds

(There was an old farmer)

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(She'll be Coming Round the Mountain)

A Mexican k1d meets Donald Trump and says to him, "I want to be President one day."

Trump says, "Are you stupid? Are you an idiot? Out of your mind? Are you retarded?"

The k1d replies, "You know what, I've changed my mind. Those are too many requirements."

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left. A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left. A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half." The guy left. The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor, follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back." A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So, where does he go when he leaves?" Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Your house!"

Q: What's the difference between a hooker and a **** dealer?
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A: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Be Careful What You Wish For *lix*
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What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

If we don’t get some support, people will think we’re nuts.

Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?

Yeah, he pasta way.

I once knew a woman who had a tattoo of a seashell on her inner thigh. When you put your ear to it you could smell the ocean.

What's the difference between your wife and your job? After five years your job will still suck.

3 honeymoon couples are staying in the same hotel. In the first room , the new groom undresses his bride and sees her body for the first time.
"Oh my sweet Love you have such stunning big tits" he says
With that she took offence and kicked him out onto the hotel patio
In the second roon, the new groom strips his new wife and ,again, sees her body for the first time
"Oh my sweet Love, such have such a beautiful big round arse" he says
With that she also takes offence and kicks him out onto the patio
So these 2 new grooms get chatting and start sharing a drink.All of a sudden the third new groom comes flying out onto the patio
"whats up ,mate, you put your foot in it aswell?"said the first groom
"yeah , i could have done" he replied!!!!!!!!!!

My wife tried to be all sexy lastnite by putting a lipop up her pussy, I said you' v got to see all the kids across the road with that tomorrow!!!!

my favourite joke ever, from a scottish comedian Chick Murray.

"i was at the Olympic Games,saw a man in shorts and vest, carrying a very long stick. i asked him is he a pole vaulter? He replied no, I am German. but how did you know my name is Walter?"
sorry, truly silly and not sexy, just ticles my funny bone.

I father goes to his sons room and says, "Son I think its time we had a chat about the birds and the bees."

His son sits up in bed looking scared and his father asked "Whats wrong?"

To which his so replies "Well when I was 7 you said the tooth fairy was not real, when I was 8 you said Santa Claus was not real, now your going to tell me people dont get laid... My life is over!

A man gets admitted into the ER suffering rectal bleeding. Next day his brother comes to the hospital and asks the doctor "Sir, do you know anything about my brother? He was admitted here last night with six toy horses stuck in his ass".

The doctor says "oh, yes, his condition is stable"

Life is like a box of chocolates... sometimes you get a lot of nuts!

I even made that one up myself.

Here's a good one I saw on the internet today ... and it's a story we all know , but it does have a twist like we never heard before ... with a real happy ending ............... So hope you like it !!!

Lil Red Riding Hood got ready and was leaving her mother's house. Her mom said... ''Now remember Lil Red Riding Hood..the big bad wolf is out there and you know what he will do to you. He will pull up your lil red dress, pull down your lil red panties and fuck your lil red socks off.''

Lil Red Riding Hood pulled out her shot gun..''Dont worry mom..I got it covered''

So she got her basket that was filled with jellies and rolls and headed to her Grandmaw's house. Along the way she ran into a rabbit...he asked, ''Where are you going Lil Red Riding Hood?''

She said, ''I am off to my Grandmaw's with a basket of goodies''

The rabbit said, ''Lil Red Riding Hood, you better be careful..the big bad wolf is out there and you know what he will do to you. He will pull up your lil red dress, pull down your lil red panties and fuck your lil red socks off.''

Lil Red Riding Hood held up her shot gun, ''Dont worry Mr Rabbit... I got it covered''. So she went on her way.

Soon the big bad wolf jumped out in front of her and asked, ''Lil Red Riding Hood, where are you going?''

She said, ''I am off to my Grandmaw's with a basket of goodies''

He said, ''You should not be out here..you know what I am going to do to you. I am going to pull up your lil red dress, pull down your lil red panties and fuck your lil red socks off.''

Lil Red Riding Hood jerked up her lil red dress... pulled down her lil red panties and layed down on the ground. She pointed the shot gun at him and said, ''Oh no you're not... You're going to eat me like the book says !!!

====== Hope You enjoyed this as much as I did ======