G-son, ‘Granddad, whats you secret to a happy marriage?’
Me, ‘Well we still make a point of going out twice a week’
G-son, ‘Where do you go?’
Me, ‘It’s not where It’s when, Grandma goes out Thursday & Friday, I go out Monday & Tuesday!’

Me, ‘Did you know, I can 100% tell if someone is lying just by looking at them’
Mate, ‘That’s interesting’
Me, ‘I can also tell if they are standing or sitting!’

Me, ‘As a kid I loved playing with granddad & making sandcastles in the garden, until I was told to stop’
Wife, ‘that sounds nice dear, but why did you have to stop’
Me, ‘I was told to put grandad back in his urn & return him to the mantelpiece’

Mate, “Did I ever mention I worked for the Royal mint making coins for a while?”
Me, “No, how long were you there?”
Mate, “Oh not long, I quit”
Me, “Did you have trouble making heads or tails of it!”

THE CANDY BAR JOKE 😄😄😄 One day MR.Goodbar wanted a Bit-of-Honey so he took MS.Hershey behind the Power House on 5th Avenue were he began to fill her Mounds which were Almond Joy.She let out a Snicker as his Big Hunk slid up here Milky Way.The results were a Baby Ruth.

Me, ‘I once went to dinner with a girl whose family turned out to be cannibals’
Mate, ‘wow that’s freaky, how was the date?’
Me, I turned up late and she gave me the cold shoulder!’

I had a meeting the other day with my bank manager. I asked him to check my balance. So he pushed me over.

Have you seen that new hetero porn film where all the sex takes place in a flying car?
Its called Titty Titty Gang Bang.

"Son, you're old enough now for me to talk to you about the facts of life."
"OK, dad, what d'you wanna know?"

Me, ‘I have been making a model of Mount Everest’
Mate, ‘Is it to scale?’
Me, ‘No, only to look at!’

Boy, ‘Dad can you tell me what an eclipse is?’
Me, ‘No Son!’

Me, ‘Have you heard about that new film “constipation”?’
Mate, ‘I have not seen it in the cinema’
Me, ‘well that because it’s not out yet!’

A hippie and a nun are on a bus.
The hippie says to the nun: like wow, iґve always wanted to fuck a nun.
But the nun says: i`m already married to jesus so I cannot.
As the hippie is getting off the bus, the bus driver nods and winks and says: the nun is always in the graveyard at 8 o clock and waiting for the holy spirit. So you might be in luck!
The hippie puts a white sheet over his head and goes to the graveyard, and approaches the nun from behind. “Woo hoo, I am the holy spirit and I want to fuck you”
The nun says: well, yes since you are the holy spirit but itґs that time of the month so you have to do me in the ass from behind.
OK says the hippie, pulls out his dick and bangs her up the ass
When heґs finished, he pulls off the white sheet and laughs: haha, iґm not the holy spirit, iґm the hippie
But the nun turns around and pulls off her head cover and laughs back: haha, iґm not the nun, iґm the bus driver

Me, ‘What do you think of my singing?’
Wife, ‘I think you should sing tenor . .’
Me, ‘. . .wow really!’
Wife, ‘If you let me finish, tenor eleven miles away for me!!!’

Mate, ‘My favourite composer died recently’
Me, ‘So technically de-composing now!’

Mate, "I have had trouble sleeping"
Me, "I can't see why people have such a problem sleeping"
Mate, "what do you mean you can't see why?"
Me, "well I can do it with my eyes closed!".

If you are not a British or moreover a Londoner, you might not get this one.

Mate, ‘Do you know what a propaganda is?’
Me, ‘Well when you say it like that, it’s when a Brit looks at something rally closely!’

The worldґs strongest glue has been invented. But they canґt get the lid off

A vicar was on his way home when he inadvertently strayed into the town's red light district. He walked on a few yards past an alleyway from where he heard a bloke ask: "how much for a blow job?" and a woman replied: "a hundred quid."

The vicar carried on walking and went past another alleyway where he heard another bloke ask: "how much for a blow job?" and another woman answer: "a hundred quid."

The vicar was quite perplexed by now as he had no idea what a blow job was and then he had a brainwave. "I know, I'll stop off at the abbey and ask the Reverend Mother, she'll know."

He got to the abbey and went in to see the Reverend Mother.

"Do you mind, Reverend Mother, if I ask you a question?"

"Of course not," said the Reverend Mother.

"What's a blow job?"

"A hundred quid," the Reverend Mother replied, "same as it is in town."

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Me, ‘Scientists have found a new creature, it appears to have no nose or identifiable body!’
Mate, ‘That sounds very strange, what’s it called?’
Me, ‘Nobody Knows!!’

Kid, ‘Dad whats that silver car’
Me, ‘It is a DeLorean’
Kid, ‘It’s not been used much’
Me, ‘Well it was only driven from time to time!’

Me, “we had to take our kid to the doctors, he ate a load of scrabble tiles”
Mate, “ Oh no what did the doctor say?”
Me, “he’ will be fine but hes might start talking shit”

Girlfriend, “When I first moved out on my own, I brought my self a locket and put my picture in it”
Me, “why put YOUR picture in it?”
Girlfriend, “So I can prove I am independent!”

Me, ‘I have lost a shoe’
Mate, ‘do you want a hand finding it?’
Me, ‘I am sure it will turn up after a bit of sole searching’

Me, “hows the leg?”
Mate, “Just come back from the Doc , apparently all my life I have been double jointed in hip, knee & ankle?”
Me, “Anything that can help”
Mate, “I just need to walk differently”
Me, “If I had only you had known it was that simple, I bet you could have kicked yourself!”

I got arrested the other day! I was going by the health department and the sign said breast feeding classes. I went in and volunteered! Lol

I got a tattoo on my penis! It was supposed to say my name Bob but they ran out of room. It just says Bo.

Did you hear about the violent electrician who beat another guy up?

He was charged with assault and battery.

Mate, “what did the boss want you for?”
Me, “to give me a haircut”
Mate, “a haircut!!”
Me, “yes, I think he’s grooming me for promotion”

Me, ‘why do you keep hanging grapes all over your house to dry?’
Mate, ‘why do you care, you don’t live here?’
Me, ‘I have my raisins’

Me, ‘I might have two or three Motown pun’s ready to go’
Mate, ‘Oh my please no more’
Me, ‘Well perhaps Four Tops!’

Wife, “were all going to the beach today, so why the cold sweat?”
Me, “I have a feat of tsunamis”
Wife, “oh you have never mentioned it, how bad is it?”
Me, “Well it comes in waves!”

Me, ‘Why do they need to paly music in the lift, it not even good’
Mate, ‘what is wrong with it?’
Me, ‘It’s just bad on so many levels!’

Me, ‘I once had to work long shifts at a pizza house, to make ends meet’
Mate, ‘money drives the devil, was you delivering?’
Me, ‘Yes and yes, I kneaded the dough’

Two Antennas got married . . . .
The reception was amazing!

Me, ‘my first flat was above a museum, I didn’t stay there long’
Mate, ‘Oh why was that?’
Me, ‘I was told not to dwell on the past!’

Mate, ‘The concert was great’
Me, ‘I sing my best when I am really happy or very sad’
Mate, ‘why is that?’
Me, ‘I’m in-tune with my feelings!’

Mate, ‘that guy just threw his milk at me’
Me, ‘How dairy!’

What are the strongest days
Saturday and Sunday, the rest are weekdays

Me, “My first job was posing as a mannequin in a shop window”
Mate, “Was you any good?”
Me, “Well I held the position for a long time!”

Mate, “Whats up with you?”
Me, “Wife asked me to pass her some lip balm and I gave her some glue by accident”
Mate, “You’re an idiot but she will get over it”
Me, “Well it’s been a week and she’s still not talking to me!”

Me, “Did you know I played the drums as a kid?”
Wife, “No I didn’t”
Me, “I did think about taking it up again but decided not to”
Wife, “well if you do there will be repercussions!”

Mate, “fancy a game of cards?”
Me, “yes but the cards all seem stuck together”
Mate, “Is it going to cause a problem?”
Me, “it’s making them hard to deal with!”

Me, “I really don’t trust atoms”
Mate, “why on earth not?”
Me, “because they make up everything!”

Me, “I don’t like the shoes from a drug store”
Mate, “whats up with them?”
Me, “I am constantly tripping!”

I dreamt, I was eating a huge marshmallow. In the morning my pillow was gone

Me, “Your looking smooth, had your hair done mate?”
Mate, “yes, said to the hairdresser to make me look sexy”
Me, “How much did she need to drink?”

A double mattress was found left on the doorstep of Scotland Yard police HQ in London last night.

As to how it got there, police say at the moment there is no concrete evidence.

Mate, “My favourite movie is, ‘the hunt for the Red October’”.
Me, “I don’t like movies with sub titles”.