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Me Mongo & I have a joke 🤭
One day I was doing a Uber Eats pick up at Arbys & I seen the Saggy Granny #610414 chowing down on a "Double Beef 'n Cheddar Meal", so I approached her.
I asked:
"did you give yourself a coat hanger abortion 18 years ago"
She replied:
"Yes"
I asked:
"Did you put it in the trash can ?"
She replied:
"Well yes 🤷♂️"
I asked:
"Did you put the lid on & do it up real tight ?"
She replied:
"yes"
Then I asked the Saggy:
"You didn't think I was going to escape did you ?"
Fuck You Saggy
After sitting on all those pebbles for two hours, my bum's not been the same since.
He said I'm basmatic.
"'bye, son."
He's a Hornithologist.
Paul Walker hit 100 before he died.
Did you hear about Paul Walker's dandruff problem?
They found his head and shoulders in the glovebox
"Sorry," replied the girl behind the counter, "you need to bring it back by the end of next week."
Place was crawling with pussy..
Cunts way low
Me, ‘I recon they must be VelCrows!’
Mate, ‘you are a little mad sometimes’
Me, ‘Yes, I can go a bit too far, I just got carried away,’
---- They dislike fast food.
Mate, “Chickens cannot count”
Me, “This one can she’s a mathemachicken!”
Mate, “Would you be good at shoeing horse?”
Me, “Well I did tell a donkey to get lost once!”
Mate, ‘I know they are bad, but you are not meant to do them yourself’
Me, ‘I did get in a lot of trouble, but it’s my own asphalt’
Mate, ‘we all need to laugh’
Me, ‘yes but I put my foot down!’
Mate, ‘Oh hat type of food do they serve?’
Me, ‘They don’t do starter’s or mains, Just desserts!’
"Darling," said Charles, "where's the letter opener?"
"He's got the day off," Camilla replied.
Mate, ‘Just finished at the Gym, been doing lunges for the first time’
Me, ‘Well at least it’s a step forward!’
Wife, ‘that sounds nice dear, but why did you have to stop’
Me, ‘I was told to put grandad back in his urn & return him to the mantelpiece’
Bill replies, “Hell no!”
HC, “Whatcha doing this weekend?”
--------------------------------------- added after 5 hours
Video Coach to Head Coach after leaving the washroom, “Coach, we gotta fire the new receiver. He was masturbating in the washroom.”
HC, “Bob he’s a young guy away from home, we have to cut him some slack!”
VC, “I get that, but be was using my cock!”
Me, ‘Well we still make a point of going out twice a week’
G-son, ‘Where do you go?’
Me, ‘It’s not where It’s when, Grandma goes out Thursday & Friday, I go out Monday & Tuesday!’
Its all Grieg to me.
They go out like a light.
Mate, ‘That’s interesting’
Me, ‘I can also tell if they are standing or sitting!’
Me, “No, how long were you there?”
Mate, “Oh not long, I quit”
Me, “Did you have trouble making heads or tails of it!”
Mate, ‘wow that’s freaky, how was the date?’
Me, I turned up late and she gave me the cold shoulder!’
Its called Titty Titty Gang Bang.
"OK, dad, what d'you wanna know?"
Mate, ‘Is it to scale?’
Me, ‘No, only to look at!’
Me, ‘No Son!’
Mate, ‘I have not seen it in the cinema’
Me, ‘well that because it’s not out yet!’
The hippie says to the nun: like wow, iґve always wanted to fuck a nun.
But the nun says: i`m already married to jesus so I cannot.
As the hippie is getting off the bus, the bus driver nods and winks and says: the nun is always in the graveyard at 8 o clock and waiting for the holy spirit. So you might be in luck!
The hippie puts a white sheet over his head and goes to the graveyard, and approaches the nun from behind. “Woo hoo, I am the holy spirit and I want to fuck you”
The nun says: well, yes since you are the holy spirit but itґs that time of the month so you have to do me in the ass from behind.
OK says the hippie, pulls out his dick and bangs her up the ass
When heґs finished, he pulls off the white sheet and laughs: haha, iґm not the holy spirit, iґm the hippie
But the nun turns around and pulls off her head cover and laughs back: haha, iґm not the nun, iґm the bus driver
Wife, ‘I think you should sing tenor . .’
Me, ‘. . .wow really!’
Wife, ‘If you let me finish, tenor eleven miles away for me!!!’
Me, ‘So technically de-composing now!’
Me, "I can't see why people have such a problem sleeping"
Mate, "what do you mean you can't see why?"
Me, "well I can do it with my eyes closed!".
Mate, ‘Do you know what a propaganda is?’
Me, ‘Well when you say it like that, it’s when a Brit looks at something rally closely!’
The vicar carried on walking and went past another alleyway where he heard another bloke ask: "how much for a blow job?" and another woman answer: "a hundred quid."
The vicar was quite perplexed by now as he had no idea what a blow job was and then he had a brainwave. "I know, I'll stop off at the abbey and ask the Reverend Mother, she'll know."
He got to the abbey and went in to see the Reverend Mother.
"Do you mind, Reverend Mother, if I ask you a question?"
"Of course not," said the Reverend Mother.
"What's a blow job?"
"A hundred quid," the Reverend Mother replied, "same as it is in town."
Mate, ‘That sounds very strange, what’s it called?’
Me, ‘Nobody Knows!!’