I was going to watch the start of the Olympics on the river Seine in Paris tonight but decided I couldn't be bothered. When you've seine one river, you've seine the lot.

What do you call a woman with a drink on the beach ? A bloody sex on the beach ( boody mary, sex on the beach )

THE CANDY BAR JOKE 😄😄😄 One day MR.Good-bar wanted a Bit-of-Honey so he took MS.Hershey behind the Power House on 5th Avenue were he began to fill her Mounds which were Almond Joy.She let out a Snicker as his Big Hunk slid up here Milky Way.The results were a Baby Ruth.

I went to a nudist beach a couple of months ago.

After sitting on all those pebbles for two hours, my bum's not been the same since.

My doctor advised me to stop eating rice.

He said I'm basmatic.

What did the buffalo say to his offspring when they went their separate ways?

"'bye, son."

Did you hear about the sex mad guy with also a keen interest in birds?

He's a Hornithologist.

What’s the difference between Paul Walker and Betty White?

Paul Walker hit 100 before he died.


Did you hear about Paul Walker's dandruff problem?

They found his head and shoulders in the glovebox

A man went into a video library and said: "can I borrow Batman Forever?"
"Sorry," replied the girl behind the counter, "you need to bring it back by the end of next week."

Went to the quadriplegic strip club this weekend..

Place was crawling with pussy..

Mate, ‘I have just seen 2 big black birds stuck together!’
Me, ‘I recon they must be VelCrows!’

Me, ‘I got dressed up as a suitcase & went to the airport yesterday!’
Mate, ‘you are a little mad sometimes’
Me, ‘Yes, I can go a bit too far, I just got carried away,’

Why do the french prefer snails?

---- They dislike fast food.

I once had a pet mouse named Elvis but he sadly got killed. He was caught in a trap.

Me, “Did you know I have a chicken that can count her eggs?”
Mate, “Chickens cannot count”
Me, “This one can she’s a mathemachicken!”

Me, “I always wanted to be a Blacksmith”
Mate, “Would you be good at shoeing horse?”
Me, “Well I did tell a donkey to get lost once!”

Me, ‘I got in trouble with the council about a filling in a pot hole’
Mate, ‘I know they are bad, but you are not meant to do them yourself’
Me, ‘I did get in a lot of trouble, but it’s my own asphalt’

Me, ‘I was having a laugh pretending to be a flamingo, and the wife told me to stop!’
Mate, ‘we all need to laugh’
Me, ‘yes but I put my foot down!’

Me, ‘Wife and I went to a restaurant called Karma yesterday’
Mate, ‘Oh hat type of food do they serve?’
Me, ‘They don’t do starter’s or mains, Just desserts!’

King Charles III and Queen Camilla came down to breakfast and, as usual, the butler had laid out Charles's post next to his plate.
"Darling," said Charles, "where's the letter opener?"
"He's got the day off," Camilla replied.

Me, ‘You ok mate, you look cream crackerd?’
Mate, ‘Just finished at the Gym, been doing lunges for the first time’
Me, ‘Well at least it’s a step forward!’

I'm not a fan of Gladys Knight. She gives me the pip.

Me, ‘As a kid I loved playing with granddad & making sandcastles in the garden, until I was told to stop’
Wife, ‘that sounds nice dear, but why did you have to stop’
Me, ‘I was told to put grandad back in his urn & return him to the mantelpiece’

Football Head Coach to Assistant Defensive Coordinator: “Say Bill, if we went camping this weekend and you woke up in the morning with a cum filled condom sticking out of your ass, would you tell anybody?”
Bill replies, “Hell no!”
HC, “Whatcha doing this weekend?”
--------------------------------------- added after 5 hours

Video Coach to Head Coach after leaving the washroom, “Coach, we gotta fire the new receiver. He was masturbating in the washroom.”
HC, “Bob he’s a young guy away from home, we have to cut him some slack!”
VC, “I get that, but be was using my cock!”

G-son, ‘Granddad, whats you secret to a happy marriage?’
Me, ‘Well we still make a point of going out twice a week’
G-son, ‘Where do you go?’
Me, ‘It’s not where It’s when, Grandma goes out Thursday & Friday, I go out Monday & Tuesday!’

I'm a great classical music lover except I don't understand Norwegian music.
Its all Grieg to me.

Why do battery hens sleep well at night?
They go out like a light.

Me, ‘Did you know, I can 100% tell if someone is lying just by looking at them’
Mate, ‘That’s interesting’
Me, ‘I can also tell if they are standing or sitting!’

Mate, “Did I ever mention I worked for the Royal mint making coins for a while?”
Me, “No, how long were you there?”
Mate, “Oh not long, I quit”
Me, “Did you have trouble making heads or tails of it!”

THE CANDY BAR JOKE 😄😄😄 One day MR.Goodbar wanted a Bit-of-Honey so he took MS.Hershey behind the Power House on 5th Avenue were he began to fill her Mounds which were Almond Joy.She let out a Snicker as his Big Hunk slid up here Milky Way.The results were a Baby Ruth.

Me, ‘I once went to dinner with a girl whose family turned out to be cannibals’
Mate, ‘wow that’s freaky, how was the date?’
Me, I turned up late and she gave me the cold shoulder!’

I had a meeting the other day with my bank manager. I asked him to check my balance. So he pushed me over.

Have you seen that new hetero porn film where all the sex takes place in a flying car?
Its called Titty Titty Gang Bang.

"Son, you're old enough now for me to talk to you about the facts of life."
"OK, dad, what d'you wanna know?"

Me, ‘I have been making a model of Mount Everest’
Mate, ‘Is it to scale?’
Me, ‘No, only to look at!’

Boy, ‘Dad can you tell me what an eclipse is?’
Me, ‘No Son!’

Me, ‘Have you heard about that new film “constipation”?’
Mate, ‘I have not seen it in the cinema’
Me, ‘well that because it’s not out yet!’

A hippie and a nun are on a bus.
The hippie says to the nun: like wow, iґve always wanted to fuck a nun.
But the nun says: i`m already married to jesus so I cannot.
As the hippie is getting off the bus, the bus driver nods and winks and says: the nun is always in the graveyard at 8 o clock and waiting for the holy spirit. So you might be in luck!
The hippie puts a white sheet over his head and goes to the graveyard, and approaches the nun from behind. “Woo hoo, I am the holy spirit and I want to fuck you”
The nun says: well, yes since you are the holy spirit but itґs that time of the month so you have to do me in the ass from behind.
OK says the hippie, pulls out his dick and bangs her up the ass
When heґs finished, he pulls off the white sheet and laughs: haha, iґm not the holy spirit, iґm the hippie
But the nun turns around and pulls off her head cover and laughs back: haha, iґm not the nun, iґm the bus driver

Me, ‘What do you think of my singing?’
Wife, ‘I think you should sing tenor . .’
Me, ‘. . .wow really!’
Wife, ‘If you let me finish, tenor eleven miles away for me!!!’

Mate, ‘My favourite composer died recently’
Me, ‘So technically de-composing now!’

Mate, "I have had trouble sleeping"
Me, "I can't see why people have such a problem sleeping"
Mate, "what do you mean you can't see why?"
Me, "well I can do it with my eyes closed!".

If you are not a British or moreover a Londoner, you might not get this one.

Mate, ‘Do you know what a propaganda is?’
Me, ‘Well when you say it like that, it’s when a Brit looks at something rally closely!’

The worldґs strongest glue has been invented. But they canґt get the lid off

A vicar was on his way home when he inadvertently strayed into the town's red light district. He walked on a few yards past an alleyway from where he heard a bloke ask: "how much for a blow job?" and a woman replied: "a hundred quid."

The vicar carried on walking and went past another alleyway where he heard another bloke ask: "how much for a blow job?" and another woman answer: "a hundred quid."

The vicar was quite perplexed by now as he had no idea what a blow job was and then he had a brainwave. "I know, I'll stop off at the abbey and ask the Reverend Mother, she'll know."

He got to the abbey and went in to see the Reverend Mother.

"Do you mind, Reverend Mother, if I ask you a question?"

"Of course not," said the Reverend Mother.

"What's a blow job?"

"A hundred quid," the Reverend Mother replied, "same as it is in town."

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Me, ‘Scientists have found a new creature, it appears to have no nose or identifiable body!’
Mate, ‘That sounds very strange, what’s it called?’
Me, ‘Nobody Knows!!’

Kid, ‘Dad whats that silver car’
Me, ‘It is a DeLorean’
Kid, ‘It’s not been used much’
Me, ‘Well it was only driven from time to time!’

Me, “we had to take our kid to the doctors, he ate a load of scrabble tiles”
Mate, “ Oh no what did the doctor say?”
Me, “he’ will be fine but hes might start talking shit”

Girlfriend, “When I first moved out on my own, I brought my self a locket and put my picture in it”
Me, “why put YOUR picture in it?”
Girlfriend, “So I can prove I am independent!”

Me, ‘I have lost a shoe’
Mate, ‘do you want a hand finding it?’
Me, ‘I am sure it will turn up after a bit of sole searching’