Me, “ I left school wanting to become a magician”
Mate, “wow, so what went wrong?”
Me, “I failed the exam, they were all trick questions!”

(This does not work in the metric system) I wrote my Mum to say I have grown another foot. So she knitted me another sock.

Me, “hello mate how are you now?”
Mate, “Officially 12 months with out my addiction”
Me, “that’s good, what was it now”
Mate, “chocolate, nuts & marshmallows”
Me, “ well you have done it, but it must have been a Rocky Road!”

JUSTICE is a dish best served cold!
If it were served warm, it would be justwater!!!

A Weasel walks into a bar,
Barman, “what can I get you?”
Weasel, “pop”

My Friend decided to get a face tattoo of his favourite Star Wars character!
You should have seen the Luke on his face 😊

Yesterday I was washing my car with my son
He asked “dad, why can’t you use a sponge?”

what do you get if you multiply the circumference of an apple with it's radius?


Apple Pi

I've often heard that "ICY" is the easiest word to spell

Looking back at it now, I see Why!

Bob and Ted are painting Bob’s fence.
Bob bends down to fill his paint brush from the paint can.
Ted says, “Don’t bend over like that, I’m so horny not even the crack of Dawn is safe!”

Bob and Ted walk into a coffee shop. Bob orders pie and Ted orders coffee. The waitress brings their order,
She comes back in five minutes and asks Bob, “How was the pie?”
Bob says, “I’ve had worse!”
Ted says, “He just can’t remember when!’

Me, “I’m reading a non-friction book at the moment”
Mate, “Don’t you mean non-fiction!”
Me, “No it’s a book about the history of lubricants”

Me, “I have just finished writing my first play, it’s called ‘broken bones’”
Mate, “So whats stopping you putting a show on?”
Me, “I need a cast”

Me, “our office is having internet difficulties”
Computer guy, ”have you tried disabling cookies?”
Me, “well I once bit the legs off a gingerbread man!”

Me, “I tried to catch some fog last night”
Mate, “bet you didn’t”
Me, “correct, I mist !”

What do you call a shit with one eye? Keek

Woman says to her friends " my kids are driving me crazy, I'm going to sell them on eBay" friend replies "fuck that,you made them,sell them on Etsy"

Me, “I once brought a dog from a blacksmith”
Mate, “A blacksmith!”
Me, “As soon as I got him home, he made a bolt for the door!”

What do you call a truckload of vibraters?

Me, “I am reading a book on Stockholm Syndrome”
Mate, “That sound like heavy reading, how are you finding it?
Me, “At first, I hated it, but after a while I am really starting to like it”

Me, “Feeling a little low at the moment”
Mate, “Cheer up, it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water”
Me, “thanks, I know you mean well”

Me, “Every time I take my Labrador to the park, the Duck’s come running and try pecking him”
Mate, “Why do they try pecking your dog?”
Me, “I can only thing it’s because he’s a pure bread!”

Mate, “got home last night to find my kids had been on eBay all day”
Me, “perhaps you should lower the price!”

Why did michael jackson like 28 males.

There were 20 of them.

Mate, “with Halloween just past, who’s your favourite Vampire”
Me, “the one from Sesame Street”
Mate, “he doesn’t count”
Me, “he sure as hell does, seen him go to 10”

What do you call a cowboy with no legs?

A low down bum



The old ones are the best!!!

Mate, “I’ve just written a song about tortillas”
Me, “Sounds like it’s more of a rap to me!”

What is the name of a woman with no legs
Cunts way low of coarse

Me, “name something you have kept from your past”
Mate, “I might be bald, but I kept my Comb”
Me, “I bet you just can’t part with it!”

Me, “There’s one thing that scares me at Halloween”
Mate, “Which is?”
Me, “yes, have I told you before!”

Bloke went into hospital to have his appendix out. On the day, the qualified surgeon was giving instructions to a trainee and as the trainee was using the scalpel, his hand slipped and the scalpel cut off the man's balls.
"Oh no!" cried the trainee, "I'm ever so sorry, doctor, it was an accident."
"Oh, don't worry," the doctor replied, "these things happen."
"But we can't let him walk around with no balls for the rest of his life," the trainee said at which point the nurse chipped in.
"Well, there's a jar of picked onions in the cupboard, if you sew a couple of those on, he'll never know the difference."
"Good thinking," said the doctor and after the guy's appendix had been removed, the nurse opened the jar of pickled onions, selected the biggest two she could find, and the doctor sewed them on and the bloke was wheeled back to the ward.
A few days later as the bloke was recovering, the doctor was doing his rounds and went up to the bloke and said: "hello Mr. Smith, I'm pleased to tell you the appendix removal went well. Have you any questions?"
The bloke thought for a moment and then said: "well, doctor, there's one thing that's been worrying me. You know when you get a hard-on, every time you see a nice young lady in tight sexy clothes?"
"Yes," replied the doctor, nodding understandingly.
"Well," replied the bloke, "since the operation, I've been getting a hard-on every time I see a cheese sandwich."

Bloke went to the doctor and the doctor said: "Hello mate, not seen you for a long while."

"No," replied the bloke, "I've been ill."

Bloke went to the doctor and said: "doctor, you've got to help me, I think I've got Tom Jones Syndrome, I can't seem to stop singing The Green Green Grass of Home".

"Oh, don't worry," the doctor replied, "it's not unusual."

A vicar was on his way home when he inadvertently strayed into a red light district. He passed the entrance to an alleyway from where he heard a man's voice ask: "how much for a blowjob?" and a woman's voice reply: "fifty quid." The vicar was somewhat bemused but thought nothing more of it until, five minutes later, he passed another alleyway and heard another man ask the same question and get the same response. The vicar was now quite intrigued as he had no idea what a blowjob is. Then he thought: "ah, I know, I'll stop off at the abbey and have a word with the Reverend Mother, she might know." When he got to the abbey, he went into the Reverend Mother's room and said: "Reverend Mother, may I ask you a question?" "Of course," the Reverend Mother replied. "What's a blowjob?" asked the vicar. "Fifty quid," the Reverend Mother replied, "same as it is in town."

Me, “Gravity is a fundamental law of nature”
Mate, “Ah but what if you took it away?”
Me, “you will have Gravy!”.

Me, “Whoever invented the knock knock joke should get an award”
Mate, “what award do you think?”
Me, “ Errr, perhaps the no bell price!”

Me, “are you rearing a lot of cattle?”
Cowboy, “I have many calves at my ranch, once older they will be ready for the market”
Me, “are you raising the steaks!”
Cowboy, “that joke wa. . . “
Me, “was, well done!”

Wife, “you’re getting very cocky lately”.
Me, “ perhaps there is a magic medicine to stop it”.
Wife, “I am going see the Doc, perhaps there is an anti-bragging cream”.
Me, “Can’t wait to rub it in!”.

5 ants, rent a flat with another 5 ants......
Now they are tenants!

Denver Broncos

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are having a pint down to pub. A fly lands in the Englishman's pint. With a look of disgust he takes the pint back to the bar and returns with a fresh pint. A fly lands in the Scotsman's pint. He reaches in and pulls it out and continues to drink it. A fly lands in the Irishman's pint. He reaches in, pulls the fly out of his pint and says, "Spit it out, ya filthy bastard."

Me, “Gravity is a fundamental law of nature”
Mate, “Ah but what if you took it away?”
Me, “you will have Gravy!”.

What do you call a truck load of vibrators?
Toys for twats 😆😆😆

Me, “I can make a pun out of anything”
Mate, “it’s not possible to make a pun out of vegetables”
Me, “That isn’t nececelery so”

A man walks into a bar.

On the bar was a large glass jar full of money, with a note on it saying "if you go out back & make my horse laugh you win the jar"

The man goes to see the horse, comes back, the barman sees the horse laughing the man wins the jar.

Some time later the man returns to the bar & a similar jar was there but the note read "if you go out back & make my horse cry you win the jar"

Sure enough, the man went out back, returned with the horse crying.

He collected the prize & was heading for the door, the barman called out "how did you win the first jar".

The man replied "I whispered into your horses ear that my dick was bigger then his"

"well ok, but how did you make my horse cry" the barman asked.

The man replied "I showed him".

Me, “Here you are darling wife, a nice cup of tea”. . . .

Grandson, “Grandad after 65 years, you still call grandma darling, beautiful or honey, what’s your secret?”
Me, “well sonny, it’s got nothing to do with love, I forgot her name years ago & I’m to scared to ask her what it is”

Mate, “I have a date tonight, apparently she is 6’6” tall”
Me, “I bet you can’t wait 2 meter”

Me, "Did I ever tell you I grew up on a house boat & dated the girl next door?"
Mate, " No , what happened?"
Me, "We drifted apart!"

What’s better than 4 roses on a piano?
2 lips on an organ 😂

NEWSFLASH: A prison bus and a cement truck have collided. The prisoners have escaped. The public is warned to be on the lookout for twelve hardened criminals! 🙂

How, about giving Admin some support 🤷‍♀️

👉 /blogs/55554.html 👈