What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying at your front step?

Matt.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs nailed to the wall?

Art.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating in the ocean?

Bob.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs trapped in a cage with a tiger?

Fucked.

I wanted my dick to be 8 inches long. so I folded it in half

What do you call a lesbian with braces?

A box cutter!


What do you call a black broad with braces?

A Black & Decker pecker wrecker!

THE CANDY BAR JOKE 😄😄😄 One day MR.Goodbar wanted a Bit-of-Honey so he took MS.Hershey behind the Power House on 5th Avenue were he began to fill her Mounds which were Almond Joy.She let out a Snicker as his Big Hunk slid up here Milky Way.The results were a Baby Ruth .

What do 78 year old vegetables taste like?

Depends.

Did you hear about the bloke this week who's been charged with stealing a load of cheese?

He must have been crackers.

How do you eat a piece of Candy? 🍬

You lift up her belly.

#610414

A bunch of street dog living in an area. Every night they used to go together to a dumping zone for having dinner. All of them noticed that since almost two weeks a male dog didn't join with them, just sit near an appointment & keep looking at the 2nd floor.

One night they all want to know why he's sitting like a statue there and not joining with them.

He said a couple living at that 2nd floor, they're always quarrels. One day the man said "you slut, I'll bring a street dog any day and forced to fuck you. A slut like you deserve it." That's why I'm waiting and couldn't join with you.

I know a guy who hates women. I told him he is a mysogonist but he says its got nothing to do with religion.

I recently went on a sea food only diet. Only trouble is, every time I see food I eat it.

Dingy broad is in the hospital. She is unhappy with how her cuntlips looks. Says her labia are too big.

Doctor performs the operation and when she wakes up, three are three roses in her hospital room.

Confused, she summons the doctor and demands to know who sent the roses. The doctor says the first rose is from him. He felt sorry she had to go through this herself.

Second rose is from the nurse who helped in the operating theater. She said the same thing- felt sorry.

And the last one she asks? That is from the burn unit upstairs. Guy wanted to say thank you for his new ears!

What do bras and bags of potato chips have in common? When you open them up, they're only half full!

A guy from Texas is at a Mexican resort. He is at dinner and looks over at another table. There are two big meatballs on a plate of pasta. He decides this looks amazing and asks the waiter to comer over.

He he asks to order the same meal but the waiter tells the Texan you have excellent taste! That is a delicacy called Criadillas del torro- The balls from today's bull fight and there is only one serving a day. He tells the Texan to come in tomorrow and to get here early.

The next day, the Texan arrives early and orders his Criadillas del torro. The waiter brings out the dish but the balls are much smaller. The Texan asks why...

The waiter says, some day the bull fighter wins, some day the bull wins!

Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?
A: "The elephants are coming over the hill."

Q: What did he say when saw them coming over the hill wearing
sunglasses?
A: Nothing, for he didn't recognize them.

Q: Why did the astrophysicist order three hamburgers?

Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb
itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective
reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a
maudlin cosmos of nothingness.

Q: Why do people who live near Niagara Falls have flat foreheads?
A: Because every morning they wake up thinking "What *is* that noise?
Oh, right, *of course*!

"Hey Mom"

"Yeah ?"

"What do woman & pools have in common ?"

"What ?"

"They both cost a lot of money to maintain for the amount of time you spend in them"

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.

He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He asked his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out..

The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing.

Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, 'That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows up?'

The father replied, 'From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.

Hi everyone 🙋‍♂️,
Me Mongo & I have a joke 🤭

One day I was doing a Uber Eats pick up at Arbys & I seen the Saggy Granny #610414 chowing down on a "Double Beef 'n Cheddar Meal", so I approached her.

I asked:
"did you give yourself a coat hanger abortion 18 years ago"

She replied:
"Yes"

I asked:
"Did you put it in the trash can ?"

She replied:
"Well yes 🤷‍♂️"

I asked:
"Did you put the lid on & do it up real tight ?"


She replied:
"yes"

Then I asked the Saggy:
"You didn't think I was going to escape did you ? "

Question: “What starts with an f and ends with a k?”
Reply, “No, it doesn’t!”

What's the difference between a chick pea and a black eyed pea?


A) I've never had a black eyed pea on my face. 🤣🤣🤣

LORD Cameron

There is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it. Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." As soon as he sees her, she takes off running. He tries to catch her, but is unable. This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds. After this he tries the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds in a week. The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions. The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her. This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less. Excited about this success, he decides to do the master program. Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan. Still he signs up. The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging erection, and a sign around his neck that says, "If I catch you, you're mine!" The man was supposed to lose 25 pounds in the week; he lost 34.

I was at a party and a girl rolled her eyes at me.
I picked them up and rolled them back at her.

A man wakes up and finds himself alone in a hospital room.
He has no recollection of how he got there. While pondering his situation, his bedside phone rings, and he answers it.

A doctor on the other end identifies himself, and tells the man: "I have really bad news. You're very sick. After your collapse yesterday, we ordered several tests, and got the results back this morning. I'm afraid you have Avian flu, Ebola, and you've tested positive for HIV, hepatitis and Covid."

Stunned, the man asks "Well, what's next!? What are you going to do?"

The doc replies: "Well, for starters, we're putting you on a strict diet of only pizza."

The patient asks: "Will that really help me, doctor?"

"No", the doc responds. "But it's all we can fit under the door."

What do Jeffrey Epstein and Joe Biden have in common?

Neither can finish a sentence...

Maria went home happy, telling her mother about how she earned $20 by climbing a tree. Her mom responded, "Maria, they just wanted to see your panties!" Maria replied, "See Mom, I was smart, I took them off!"

Did you hear about the time when this woman told ken31234 to give her 10 inches and to make it hurt?

Kenny fucked her three times and punched her in the face!

What an asshole!

Kid 1: "Hey, I bet you're still a virgin."
Kid 2: "Well, I was a virgin until last night ."
Kid 1: "As if."
Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister."
Kid 1: "I don't have a sister."
Kid 2: "You will in about nine months."

Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"
Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Ali Gee."
Reporter: "Sex?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy cow!"
Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."
Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"
Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."
Reporter: "Oh dear!"
Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."

I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

A friend told me he had an Oedipus Complex... I said, "Motherfucker, what's wrong with you?"

I keep hearing a duck quacking behind me. BUt when I turn around, thereґs no duck! Just a nasty smell!

Q: What is the definition of Confidence?

A: When your wife catches you in bed with another woman and you slap her on the ass and say, "You're next Baby... !"

I was checking out various international news sites when I saw this story from Poland. Apparently a single engine, two seater Cessna crashed. The newsreader repoted that the plane crashed in a cemetery. As of reporting, rescue workers recovered 125 bodies and they expect to recover more.

My sexy Chinese neighbour,said she desperately needs a roger
I only realized when I had my cock out,she meant renting out who spareroom 😂

James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "State-of-the-art watch? What is so special about it?" "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically," Bond explains. "So what's it telling you now?" says the woman. "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties," Bond replies. The woman giggles and says, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!" Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."

A mailman is making his route. On his last day before retirement, he gets to one of the last houses when the lady of the house answers the door in a slinky negligee and says, "Today is your last day, isn’t it? Come with me; I have a surprise for you."

She takes him by the hand and leads him into the house where he finds a complete breakfast feast laid out for him—eggs, pancakes, bacon, the works. The mailman stuffs himself, pushes back from the table, and says, "Thank you ma’am, this was wonderful, but I really should finish my route."

She stops him and informs him there’s more, then leads him into the bedroom where she proceeds to give him the best sex he’s ever had—every position he can think of until he’s about ready to pass out. Finally, they finish and he says, "Thank you ma’am, this was amazing, but I really should finish my route."

She stops him and says, "I have one more thing for you," and then reaches over to the nightstand, pulls out a crisp $5 bill, and hands it to him. Confused, the mailman says, "Ma’am, the breakfast was amazing, the sex was mind-blowing, but what is up with the five dollars?"

The lady responds, "Well, my husband and I were watching TV last night when I said, 'Hey, tomorrow is the mailman’s last day, think we should do something?' And he said, 'Fuck ’em. Give him 5 bucks.' But breakfast was my idea!”

A man walks into a bar. Upon sitting down a busty blond waitress pours him a drink and asks if he would like some food. He looks up at the menu above the bar. It says Hot Dog $2, Cheeseburger $5, and Handjob $10.

He asks the waitress, "Miss, are you the one who gives the handjobs?"

She winks and replies, "Why yes I am." He says, "Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left. A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left. A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half." The guy left. The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor, follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back." A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So, where does he go when he leaves?" Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Your house!"

Sister Bridgette, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a pub in Tralee. The place was quite lively with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, May I please use the restroom
The bartender replied, “Of course Sister, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.
Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,said the good Sister.
So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the pub. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?
Well, now they know you're one of us,said the bartender, “Would you like a drink,No thank you, but, I still don't understand,said the puzzled nun.
You see, laughed the bartender,every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?

A Mexican kid meets Donald Trump and says to him, "I want to be President one day."

Trump says, "Are you stupid? Are you an idiot? Out of your mind? Are you retarded?"

The kid replies, "You know what, I've changed my mind. Those are too many requirements."

Superman flew over Paradise Island and saw
Wonderwoman on a hill top; she was lying on her back
and her legs were spread wide apart...

He flew in for a closer look, and noticed her
pussy lips were expanding and contracting while
her tits were bouncing... as if On Their Own!

Superman felt aroused. He thought to himself,
"I'll fly down there and fuck her at Super speed,
and then I'll fly away before she knows what hit her!"

And THAT, he Did...

BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM!
BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM!
BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM!
BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM!

...and he immediately flew away.

Dazed and bewildered, Womanwoman looked around
and asked "What the fuck was That?!"

the Invisible Man got up and said,
"I don't know. But my ass HURTS like a Motherfucker!!!"

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor." "Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell." "My dear," the doctor said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is." "The problem is," she complained, "it wakes me up!"

Lil Red Riding Hood got ready and was leaving her mother's house. Her mom said... ''Now remember Lil Red Riding Hood..the big bad wolf is out there and you know what he will do to you. He will pull up your lil red dress, pull down your lil red panties and fuck your lil red socks off.''

Lil Red Riding Hood pulled out her shot gun..''Dont worry mom..I got it covered.''

So she got her basket that was filled with jellies and rolls and headed to her Grandmaw's house. Along the way she ran into a rabbit...he asked, ''Where are you going Lil Red Riding Hood?''

She said, ''I am off to my Grandmaw's with a basket of goodies.''

The rabbit said, ''Lil Red Riding Hood, you better be careful..the big bad wolf is out there and you know what he will do to you. He will pull up your lil red dress, pull down your lil red panties and fuck your lil red socks off.''

Lil Red Riding Hood held up her shot gun, ''Dont worry Mr Rabbit... I got it covered.'' So she went on her way.

Soon the big bad wolf jumped out in front of her and asked, ''Lil Red Riding Hood, where are you going?''

She said, ''I am off to my Grandmaw's with a basket of goodies.''

He said, ''You should not be out here..you know what I am going to do to you. I am going to pull up your lil red dress, pull down your lil red panties and fuck your lil red socks off.''

Lil Red Riding Hood jerked up her lil red dress... pulled down her lil red panties and lay down on the ground. She pointed the shot gun at him and said, ''Oh no you're not... You're going to eat me like the book says !!!''

Bloke went to the doctor and the doctor said: "Hello mate, not seen you for a long while."
"No," replied the bloke, "I've been ill."

Liz Truss, Rishi Sunak, Jeremy Cunt (oops! Hunt, sorry for typing error) etc.

Q. What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
A. Getting fingered by Captain Hook.

--------------------------

Q: How does a woman scare a gynecologist?
A: By becoming a ventriloquist!

--------------------------

What’s the difference between your wife and your job?
After five years, your job will still suck.

--------------------------

Q. What would you see if you had a ten Inch dick growing out of your forehead?
A. Nothing, your balls are in the way.

--------------------------

why do people love to eat refined beans so much?
Because they love to take bubble baths.

--------------------------

Doctor: “I’ve found a great new drug that can help you with your sleeping problem.”
Patient: “Great, how often do I have to take it?”
Doctor: “Every two hours.”

--------------------------

A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, "Anything you say can and will be held against you." The man replies, "Boobs!"

--------------------------

An elderly couple are in church. The wife leans over and whispers to her husband, "I just let out a long, silent fart. What should I do?" The husband replies, "First off, replace the batteries in your hearing aid!"

--------------------------

What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?
One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.

--------------------------

What's better than eating a mandarin.?
Eating Amanda out.

--------------------------

What's the difference between an ugly woman and a beautiful one?
Two stiff drinks.

--------------------------

Did you know there were gay bars in the wild west?
Well, the bar doors swun both ways!

Patient says to the doctor:
"I always gag when brushing my teeth and tounge, but never when I give my boyfreind head. Whats the problem?"
Doctor replies:
"Obviously your toohbrush is larger !"

What's the difference between light and hard?
You can sleeep with a light on.

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Why is sex like a bridge game?
You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.

---------------------------------------

How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
His hand caught fire.

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Q. What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

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Sex is like math. Add a bed, Subtract the clothes, Divide the legs, and pray you don’t Multiply!

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Q: What does a good bar and a good woman have in common?
A: Liquor in the front and poker in the back !!!