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Similar topics: 1.===== Joke Of The Day ===== 2.Anybody got a good joke! 3.small hands 4.Joke Central 5.It just a joke New CommentComments: |
He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, "Would you like to buy some peaches?"
She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, "Are they as firm as this?"
He nodded his head and said, "Yes ma'am," and a little tear ran from his eye.
Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, "Are they nice and pink like this?"
The farmer said, "Yes," and another tear came from the other eye.
Then she lifted up the bottom of her negligee and asked, "Are they as fuzzy as this?"
He again said, "Yes," and broke down crying.
She asked, "Why on earth are you crying?"
Drying his eyes he replied, "The drought got my corn, the flood got my soybeans, a tornado leveled my barn, and now I think I'm gonna get screwed out of my peaches."
I went up to him and asked him what kind of business was he conducting.
"A loan again, naturally," Gilbert replied.
The dog's quite nice too.
Daddy, hearing her, comes in and sees his daughter watching the dogs. "Oh, no," he thinks. "I don't think she's old enough for this talk yet. I'll make up something."
Thinking quick, he tells her, "See the boy dog? Well, he hurt his foot and the girl dog is helping him go to the vet."
The little girl watches for a moment, and then looks at him and says, "Well, that just goes to show ya. You try to help someone and you just end up getting fucked!"
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I came home the other night and my wife was looking at an advert for the world's most expensive fur coat. She said: "I've gotta have that". So I cut the advert out and gave it to her.
My wife has run off with the lodger and I don't half miss him.
I suggested to my mother-in-law she goes for a walk across the Pennines on Christmas Day. The search parties have got the day off.
Doctor performs the operation and when she wakes up, three are three roses in her hospital room.
Confused, she summons the doctor and demands to know who sent the roses. The doctor says the first rose is from him. He felt sorry she had to go through this herself.
Second rose is from the nurse who helped in the operating theater. She said the same thing- felt sorry.
And the last one she asks? That is from the burn unit upstairs. Guy wanted to say thank you for his new ears!
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What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs : still no idea
Present. But they unwrap tamales.
Police say they are looking into it.
He said it was a mug's game.
Matt.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs nailed to the wall?
Art.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating in the ocean?
Bob.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs trapped in a cage with a tiger?
Fucked.
A box cutter!
What do you call a black broad with braces?
A Black & Decker pecker wrecker!
Depends.
He must have been crackers.
You lift up her belly.
#610414
One night they all want to know why he's sitting like a statue there and not joining with them.
He said a couple living at that 2nd floor, they're always quarrels. One day the man said "you slut, I'll bring a street dog any day and forced to fuck you. A slut like you deserve it." That's why I'm waiting and couldn't join with you.
He he asks to order the same meal but the waiter tells the Texan you have excellent taste! That is a delicacy called Criadillas del torro- The balls from today's bull fight and there is only one serving a day. He tells the Texan to come in tomorrow and to get here early.
The next day, the Texan arrives early and orders his Criadillas del torro. The waiter brings out the dish but the balls are much smaller. The Texan asks why...
The waiter says, some day the bull fighter wins, some day the bull wins!
A: "The elephants are coming over the hill."
Q: What did he say when saw them coming over the hill wearing
sunglasses?
A: Nothing, for he didn't recognize them.
A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb
itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective
reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a
maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
A: Because every morning they wake up thinking "What *is* that noise?
Oh, right, *of course*!
"Yeah ?"
"What do woman & pools have in common ?"
"What ?"
"They both cost a lot of money to maintain for the amount of time you spend in them"
He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He asked his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out..
The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing.
Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, 'That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows up?'
The father replied, 'From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.
Me Mongo & I have a joke 🤭
One day I was doing a Uber Eats pick up at Arbys & I seen the Saggy Granny #610414 chowing down on a "Double Beef 'n Cheddar Meal", so I approached her.
I asked:
"did you give yourself a coat hanger abortion 18 years ago"
She replied:
"Yes"
I asked:
"Did you put it in the trash can ?"
She replied:
"Well yes 🤷♂️"
I asked:
"Did you put the lid on & do it up real tight ?"
She replied:
"yes"
Then I asked the Saggy:
"You didn't think I was going to escape did you ?
Reply, “No, it doesn’t!”
A) I've never had a black eyed pea on my face. 🤣🤣🤣
I picked them up and rolled them back at her.
He has no recollection of how he got there. While pondering his situation, his bedside phone rings, and he answers it.
A doctor on the other end identifies himself, and tells the man: "I have really bad news. You're very sick. After your collapse yesterday, we ordered several tests, and got the results back this morning. I'm afraid you have Avian flu, Ebola, and you've tested positive for HIV, hepatitis and Covid."
Stunned, the man asks "Well, what's next!? What are you going to do?"
The doc replies: "Well, for starters, we're putting you on a strict diet of only pizza."
The patient asks: "Will that really help me, doctor?"
"No", the doc responds. "But it's all we can fit under the door."
Neither can finish a sentence...
Kenny fucked her three times and punched her in the face!
What an asshole!
Kid 2: "Well, I was a virgin until last night ."
Kid 1: "As if."
Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister."
Kid 1: "I don't have a sister."
Kid 2: "You will in about nine months."
Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Ali Gee."
Reporter: "Sex?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy cow!"
Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."
Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"
Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."
Reporter: "Oh dear!"
Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."