A farmer selling his peaches door to door knocked at a house and a shapely 30-something woman dressed in a sheer negligee opened it.

He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, "Would you like to buy some peaches?"

She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, "Are they as firm as this?"

He nodded his head and said, "Yes ma'am," and a little tear ran from his eye.

Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, "Are they nice and pink like this?"

The farmer said, "Yes," and another tear came from the other eye.

Then she lifted up the bottom of her negligee and asked, "Are they as fuzzy as this?"

He again said, "Yes," and broke down crying.

She asked, "Why on earth are you crying?"

Drying his eyes he replied, "The drought got my corn, the flood got my soybeans, a tornado leveled my barn, and now I think I'm gonna get screwed out of my peaches."

I had to go to the bank today to conduct some business. When I arrived, I saw Gilbert O'Sullivan in there.

I went up to him and asked him what kind of business was he conducting.

"A loan again, naturally," Gilbert replied.

My sex mad girlfriend and I own a beautiful bloodhound. Great big slobbering tongue and gorgeous eyes.

The dog's quite nice too.

A little girl is looking out the window and sees two dogs screwing on the front lawn. She yells, "Daddy! Daddy! Come here! Come see what those dogs are doing!"

Daddy, hearing her, comes in and sees his daughter watching the dogs. "Oh, no," he thinks. "I don't think she's old enough for this talk yet. I'll make up something."

Thinking quick, he tells her, "See the boy dog? Well, he hurt his foot and the girl dog is helping him go to the vet."

The little girl watches for a moment, and then looks at him and says, "Well, that just goes to show ya. You try to help someone and you just end up getting fucked!"

This is funny, enjoy!

only registered users can see external links

Two elderly spinster twin sisters hired a male stripper for their birthday. When he was finally naked, one of the old ladies had a stroke. The other couldn't reach.

I came home the other night and my wife was looking at an advert for the world's most expensive fur coat. She said: "I've gotta have that". So I cut the advert out and gave it to her.

My wife has run off with the lodger and I don't half miss him.

I suggested to my mother-in-law she goes for a walk across the Pennines on Christmas Day. The search parties have got the day off.

Dingy broad is in the hospital. She is unhappy with how her cuntlips looks. Says her labia are too big.

Doctor performs the operation and when she wakes up, three are three roses in her hospital room.

Confused, she summons the doctor and demands to know who sent the roses. The doctor says the first rose is from him. He felt sorry she had to go through this herself.

Second rose is from the nurse who helped in the operating theater. She said the same thing- felt sorry.

And the last one she asks? That is from the burn unit upstairs. Guy wanted to say thank you for his new ears!

Thieves broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets in the building. The identities of the burglars were unknown. The Chief of Police said later in an interview, "So far, we have nothing to go on."

What boards on Stupidity? Canada 🇨🇦 and Mexico 🇲🇽.

You will have to watch and read this joke. You won’t be disappointed!

only registered users can see external links

I like my new job in the mirror factory. On reflection, i can see myself developing

A Muslim, a Jew, a Christian and an atheist walk into a coffee shop and sit down together and they talk, laugh, drink coffee and become good friends. That's what happens when you're not an asshole.

What do you call a deer with no eyes : no idea
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs : still no idea

Lots of Mexican don't unwrap a
Present. But they unwrap tamales.

Better late than never . Why did Santa have 3 girls. So he could say HO HO HO.

Thieves stole a large wall mirror from one of the Stately Homes of England and dumped it on the steps of Scotland Yard.
Police say they are looking into it.

My wife had a facelift the other day. Trouble is, it wasn't high enough, I could still see it.

Did you hear about the pottery worker who disliked his job so much he resigned?

He said it was a mug's game.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying at your front step?

Matt.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs nailed to the wall?

Art.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating in the ocean?

Bob.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs trapped in a cage with a tiger?

Fucked.

I wanted my dick to be 8 inches long. so I folded it in half

What do you call a lesbian with braces?

A box cutter!


What do you call a black broad with braces?

A Black & Decker pecker wrecker!

THE CANDY BAR JOKE 😄😄😄 One day MR.Goodbar wanted a Bit-of-Honey so he took MS.Hershey behind the Power House on 5th Avenue were he began to fill her Mounds which were Almond Joy.She let out a Snicker as his Big Hunk slid up here Milky Way.The results were a Baby Ruth .

What do 78 year old vegetables taste like?

Depends.

Did you hear about the bloke this week who's been charged with stealing a load of cheese?

He must have been crackers.

How do you eat a piece of Candy? 🍬

You lift up her belly.

#610414

A bunch of street dog living in an area. Every night they used to go together to a dumping zone for having dinner. All of them noticed that since almost two weeks a male dog didn't join with them, just sit near an appointment & keep looking at the 2nd floor.

One night they all want to know why he's sitting like a statue there and not joining with them.

He said a couple living at that 2nd floor, they're always quarrels. One day the man said "you slut, I'll bring a street dog any day and forced to fuck you. A slut like you deserve it." That's why I'm waiting and couldn't join with you.

I know a guy who hates women. I told him he is a mysogonist but he says its got nothing to do with religion.

I recently went on a sea food only diet. Only trouble is, every time I see food I eat it.

What do bras and bags of potato chips have in common? When you open them up, they're only half full!

A guy from Texas is at a Mexican resort. He is at dinner and looks over at another table. There are two big meatballs on a plate of pasta. He decides this looks amazing and asks the waiter to comer over.

He he asks to order the same meal but the waiter tells the Texan you have excellent taste! That is a delicacy called Criadillas del torro- The balls from today's bull fight and there is only one serving a day. He tells the Texan to come in tomorrow and to get here early.

The next day, the Texan arrives early and orders his Criadillas del torro. The waiter brings out the dish but the balls are much smaller. The Texan asks why...

The waiter says, some day the bull fighter wins, some day the bull wins!

Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?
A: "The elephants are coming over the hill."

Q: What did he say when saw them coming over the hill wearing
sunglasses?
A: Nothing, for he didn't recognize them.

Q: Why did the astrophysicist order three hamburgers?

Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb
itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective
reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a
maudlin cosmos of nothingness.

Q: Why do people who live near Niagara Falls have flat foreheads?
A: Because every morning they wake up thinking "What *is* that noise?
Oh, right, *of course*!

"Hey Mom"

"Yeah ?"

"What do woman & pools have in common ?"

"What ?"

"They both cost a lot of money to maintain for the amount of time you spend in them"

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.

He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He asked his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out..

The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing.

Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, 'That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows up?'

The father replied, 'From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.

Hi everyone 🙋‍♂️,
Me Mongo & I have a joke 🤭

One day I was doing a Uber Eats pick up at Arbys & I seen the Saggy Granny #610414 chowing down on a "Double Beef 'n Cheddar Meal", so I approached her.

I asked:
"did you give yourself a coat hanger abortion 18 years ago"

She replied:
"Yes"

I asked:
"Did you put it in the trash can ?"

She replied:
"Well yes 🤷‍♂️"

I asked:
"Did you put the lid on & do it up real tight ?"


She replied:
"yes"

Then I asked the Saggy:
"You didn't think I was going to escape did you ? "

Question: “What starts with an f and ends with a k?”
Reply, “No, it doesn’t!”

What's the difference between a chick pea and a black eyed pea?


A) I've never had a black eyed pea on my face. 🤣🤣🤣

LORD Cameron

There is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it. Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." As soon as he sees her, she takes off running. He tries to catch her, but is unable. This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds. After this he tries the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds in a week. The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions. The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her. This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less. Excited about this success, he decides to do the master program. Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan. Still he signs up. The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging erection, and a sign around his neck that says, "If I catch you, you're mine!" The man was supposed to lose 25 pounds in the week; he lost 34.

I was at a party and a girl rolled her eyes at me.
I picked them up and rolled them back at her.

A man wakes up and finds himself alone in a hospital room.
He has no recollection of how he got there. While pondering his situation, his bedside phone rings, and he answers it.

A doctor on the other end identifies himself, and tells the man: "I have really bad news. You're very sick. After your collapse yesterday, we ordered several tests, and got the results back this morning. I'm afraid you have Avian flu, Ebola, and you've tested positive for HIV, hepatitis and Covid."

Stunned, the man asks "Well, what's next!? What are you going to do?"

The doc replies: "Well, for starters, we're putting you on a strict diet of only pizza."

The patient asks: "Will that really help me, doctor?"

"No", the doc responds. "But it's all we can fit under the door."

What do Jeffrey Epstein and Joe Biden have in common?

Neither can finish a sentence...

Maria went home happy, telling her mother about how she earned $20 by climbing a tree. Her mom responded, "Maria, they just wanted to see your panties!" Maria replied, "See Mom, I was smart, I took them off!"

Did you hear about the time when this woman told ken31234 to give her 10 inches and to make it hurt?

Kenny fucked her three times and punched her in the face!

What an asshole!

Kid 1: "Hey, I bet you're still a virgin."
Kid 2: "Well, I was a virgin until last night ."
Kid 1: "As if."
Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister."
Kid 1: "I don't have a sister."
Kid 2: "You will in about nine months."

Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"
Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Ali Gee."
Reporter: "Sex?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy cow!"
Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."
Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"
Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."
Reporter: "Oh dear!"
Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."

I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

A friend told me he had an Oedipus Complex... I said, "Motherfucker, what's wrong with you?"

I keep hearing a duck quacking behind me. BUt when I turn around, thereґs no duck! Just a nasty smell!