A Scotsman named Angus McConnell gets into his bottles quite hard one night at the pub. At closing time he begins staggering home.

Before he gets home, however, he is overcome by a strong urge to rest, so he lies down beside the road and falls into a deep stuporous sleep.

Shortly after, three bonny lasses come by and espy Angus snoring quite soundly by the roadside.

"Look!" says one of the lasses. "It's Angus McConnell! Now, I've always wondered what he has under that kilt of his!"

One of the other lasses says, "Let's have a look, shall we? I'm sure he won't mind!"

They lift his quilt and are all quite impressed.

After oohing and aahing a bit, one of the lasses pulls out a piece of blue ribbon, ties it around Angus' member, and the three lasses then proceed on their way.

In the morning, Angus awakens and feels the need to relieve himself. He lifts his kilt to go, and much to his surprise, he sees the blue ribbon tied around his manhood.

"I don't know what we did last night, lad," he exclaims, "nor where we went, but it looks like we took first prize!"

Here’s a shitty joke:

A drunk staggers out of a bar and into a nearby cathedral.
He eventually stumbles his way down the aisle and into a confessional.
After a lengthy silence, the priest asks, "May I help you, my son?"
"I dunno" comes the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "You got any toilet paper on your side?"

I got cut off by a taxi driver last week. I was walking through town today and I saw him at the back of the queue at the taxi rank.
I got in the first taxi in the queue and said "How much to the station?" "$5" said the driver. "And how much for a blow job ?" I asked him.
"That's disgusting" he said "Get out of my cab"
I got in the second taxi and said "How much to the station ?".
"$5" said the driver. "And how much for a blow job ?" I asked him.
"I'm not having any of that" he said "Get out of my cab"
I worked my way down the line, getting thrown out of each taxi in turn, until I came to my target at the back of the queue.
"How much to the station?". "$5" said the driver.
"Ok" I said "Let's go"
As we pulled out and overtook the other taxis I wound the window down and gave all the other drivers a thumbs up with a big grin on my face!!
😊 👍 😊

A beautiful blonde was on a flight to Toronto when she got out of her seat in economy, went up to first class, and sat down. A flight attendant noticed this and approached her.

"Ma'am, I need to see your ticket, please."

The blonde showed her the ticket and it clearly showed she belonged in economy class.

"Ma'am, your ticket shows you have a seat in economy. I am going to have to ask you to return to it."

The blonde looked at her and said, "I'm beautiful, I'm blonde, and I'm flying to Toronto." She then crossed her arms and remained seated.

Seeing this, the flight attendant went to the cockpit, where she told the flight crew about the blonde in first class.

The co-pilot said, "I'll handle this," and he went back to first class.

"Ma'am, the flight attendant asked you to go back to your seat in economy. I'm asking you now: please return to your seat."

The blonde again crossed her arms and said, defiantly, "I'm beautiful, I'm blonde, and I'm flying to Toronto."

A bit discouraged, the co-pilot returned to the cockpit and told the captain what had transpired. The captain said, "I'll talk to her. My wife is blonde, so I speak Blonde."

He then went back to first class while the flight attendant and the co-pilot watched.

The captain leaned down and whispered something into the blonde's ear. She looked surprised and said, "Oh! I'm so sorry!" She then got up and returned to her seat back in economy.

Curious, the flight attendant and co-pilot asked the captain what he had whispered into the blonde's ear.

"I told her first class doesn't go to Toronto."

If you’ve ever wondered why men fart more than women…..

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What’s the difference between a priest and a rabbi?

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What's the difference between an egg and a wank?

Three guys were discussing how to please their wives...
The Italian says "After we make love, I cover her with little chocolates, and when they melt from her body heat, I lick them off. She loves it!"
The Frenchman says "After love, I cover her with rose petals, then gently blow them off. It drives her wild!"
The American says "After we're done doing it, I go wipe off on the curtains. She goes nuts!"

birth control,down the hatch, not up the snach.

What do a blind gynecologist and a puppy have in common?
They both have wet noses

Man in a bar is showing off his apple. If you bite it on the front, it tastes like an apple, but if you bite it on the back it tastes like an orange. Guy beside him: pshaww, thatґs nothing. My apple tastes like a pussy. Donґt believe me, try it out. So the other guy takes a bite, spits it out and says: yeuch it tastes like shit! First guy: oops, you bit the wrong side

Two guys were living in the same apartment building in identical flats. The first guy visits the second one and sees that he just painted his flat and it looks great.
"This looks amazing" the first guy says and asks how many cans of paint he bought. The second guy says he bought seven.
The next day the first guy drives to the store, buys seven cans of paint and starts painting his flat. After a few hours he finishes the whole thing but he realises that he used only three cans of paint.
He calls the second guy: "Hey man I've just finished painting the whole place, but I've used only 3 cans of paint and I have 4 left!"
Second guy - "Yeah, me too!" 😎

HAVING A SISTER
The son asked, “Hey dad, why is my sister’s name Teresa?”
“Well, your mother named both of you after things she was most fond of, which in her case was Easter. And when you rearrange the letters you get Teresa.”
“Alright, thanks dad..”
Dad replied, “No problem Alan!”

I took a Viagra pill this morning.
It got stock in my throat.
I've had a stiff neck for hours.

What time is it when a Lion walks into the room? Time to leave

From my shits and giggles blog,//// THE CANDY BAR JOKE 😄😄😄 One day MR.Goodbar wanted a Bit-of-Honey so he took MS.Hershey behind the Power House on 5th Avenue were he began to fill her Mounds which were Almond Joy.She let out a Snicker as his Big Hunk slid up here Milky Way.The results were a Baby Ruth.

This if funny!

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I had a knock on my door earlier.. I answered it, I opened my door and it was the invisible man, I had to tell him that I couldn't see him today

what do you call it when a chameleon can't change colors????

that's a reptile dysfunction and the damn and the damn thing

What is the difference between a crack dealer and a crack hoer. The crack hoer can wash her crack and sell it again.

Don’t be distracted by the content presenter hamming it up at the top of the screen, the joke is funny!

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Enjoy!

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There’s approximately 12 jokes with answers on this video. The last joke was; what’s the difference between an Apple Watch and a large penis? The video ended there and without the answer so if anyone knows, please post. Thank you!

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What’s long black and smells like shit?

The unemployment line

The Beckhams, bless them, named one of their kids Brooklyn, apparantly that's where he was conceived.

Lucky for him he wasn't conceived in Basingstoke.

A joke involving BALLS! Enjoy!

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When we wanted to see bones, we invented the x-ray.

When we wanted to see a prenatal baby, we invented the ultrasound.

When we wanted to see the brain, we invented the MRI.

Why, then, is a finger up the ass really necessary for a prostate exam?

My sex mad girlfriend and I own a beautiful bloodhound. Great big slobbering tongue and gorgeous eyes.

The dog's quite nice too.

Jim goes to the doctor for his annual exam. The doctor comes in, takes a long look at Jim, and says, “I’ve got bad news, Jim.”

Jim, shocked, asks, “Oh, god, Doc! What is it?”

Doctor says, “You’re going to have to stop masturbating.”

Jim, still in shock, asks, “But, why, Doc? Why?”

Doc says, “Because I’m talking to you."

I had to go to the bank today to conduct some business. When I arrived, I saw Gilbert O'Sullivan in there.

I went up to him and asked him what kind of business was he conducting.

"A loan again, naturally," Gilbert replied.

A farmer selling his peaches door to door knocked at a house and a shapely 30-something woman dressed in a sheer negligee opened it.

He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, "Would you like to buy some peaches?"

She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, "Are they as firm as this?"

He nodded his head and said, "Yes ma'am," and a little tear ran from his eye.

Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, "Are they nice and pink like this?"

The farmer said, "Yes," and another tear came from the other eye.

Then she lifted up the bottom of her negligee and asked, "Are they as fuzzy as this?"

He again said, "Yes," and broke down crying.

She asked, "Why on earth are you crying?"

Drying his eyes he replied, "The drought got my corn, the flood got my soybeans, a tornado leveled my barn, and now I think I'm gonna get screwed out of my peaches."

Here’s a joke on video, enjoy!

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A little girl is looking out the window and sees two dogs screwing on the front lawn. She yells, "Daddy! Daddy! Come here! Come see what those dogs are doing!"

Daddy, hearing her, comes in and sees his daughter watching the dogs. "Oh, no," he thinks. "I don't think she's old enough for this talk yet. I'll make up something."

Thinking quick, he tells her, "See the boy dog? Well, he hurt his foot and the girl dog is helping him go to the vet."

The little girl watches for a moment, and then looks at him and says, "Well, that just goes to show ya. You try to help someone and you just end up getting fucked!"

This is funny, enjoy!

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Two elderly spinster twin sisters hired a male stripper for their birthday. When he was finally naked, one of the old ladies had a stroke. The other couldn't reach.

I came home the other night and my wife was looking at an advert for the world's most expensive fur coat. She said: "I've gotta have that". So I cut the advert out and gave it to her.

My wife has run off with the lodger and I don't half miss him.

I suggested to my mother-in-law she goes for a walk across the Pennines on Christmas Day. The search parties have got the day off.

Dingy broad is in the hospital. She is unhappy with how her cuntlips looks. Says her labia are too big.

Doctor performs the operation and when she wakes up, three are three roses in her hospital room.

Confused, she summons the doctor and demands to know who sent the roses. The doctor says the first rose is from him. He felt sorry she had to go through this herself.

Second rose is from the nurse who helped in the operating theater. She said the same thing- felt sorry.

And the last one she asks? That is from the burn unit upstairs. Guy wanted to say thank you for his new ears!

Thieves broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets in the building. The identities of the burglars were unknown. The Chief of Police said later in an interview, "So far, we have nothing to go on."

What boards on Stupidity? Canada 🇨🇦 and Mexico 🇲🇽.

You will have to watch and read this joke. You won’t be disappointed!

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I like my new job in the mirror factory. On reflection, i can see myself developing

A Muslim, a Jew, a Christian and an atheist walk into a coffee shop and sit down together and they talk, laugh, drink coffee and become good friends. That's what happens when you're not an asshole.

What do you call a deer with no eyes : no idea
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs : still no idea

Lots of Mexican don't unwrap a
Present. But they unwrap tamales.

Better late than never . Why did Santa have 3 girls. So he could say HO HO HO.

Thieves stole a large wall mirror from one of the Stately Homes of England and dumped it on the steps of Scotland Yard.
Police say they are looking into it.

My wife had a facelift the other day. Trouble is, it wasn't high enough, I could still see it.

Did you hear about the pottery worker who disliked his job so much he resigned?

He said it was a mug's game.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying at your front step?

Matt.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs nailed to the wall?

Art.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating in the ocean?

Bob.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs trapped in a cage with a tiger?

Fucked.

I wanted my dick to be 8 inches long. so I folded it in half

What do you call a lesbian with braces?

A box cutter!


What do you call a black broad with braces?

A Black & Decker pecker wrecker!