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Similar topics: 1.===== Joke Of The Day ===== 2.Anybody got a good joke! 3.small hands 4.Joke Central 5.It just a joke New CommentComments: |
A) I've never had a black eyed pea on my face. 🤣🤣🤣
I picked them up and rolled them back at her.
He has no recollection of how he got there. While pondering his situation, his bedside phone rings, and he answers it.
A doctor on the other end identifies himself, and tells the man: "I have really bad news. You're very sick. After your collapse yesterday, we ordered several tests, and got the results back this morning. I'm afraid you have Avian flu, Ebola, and you've tested positive for HIV, hepatitis and Covid."
Stunned, the man asks "Well, what's next!? What are you going to do?"
The doc replies: "Well, for starters, we're putting you on a strict diet of only pizza."
The patient asks: "Will that really help me, doctor?"
"No", the doc responds. "But it's all we can fit under the door."
Neither can finish a sentence...
Kenny fucked her three times and punched her in the face!
What an asshole!
Kid 2: "Well, I was a virgin until last night ."
Kid 1: "As if."
Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister."
Kid 1: "I don't have a sister."
Kid 2: "You will in about nine months."
Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Ali Gee."
Reporter: "Sex?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy cow!"
Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."
Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"
Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."
Reporter: "Oh dear!"
Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."
A: When your wife catches you in bed with another woman and you slap her on the ass and say, "You're next Baby... !"
I only realized when I had my cock out,she meant renting out who spareroom 😂
She takes him by the hand and leads him into the house where he finds a complete breakfast feast laid out for him—eggs, pancakes, bacon, the works. The mailman stuffs himself, pushes back from the table, and says, "Thank you ma’am, this was wonderful, but I really should finish my route."
She stops him and informs him there’s more, then leads him into the bedroom where she proceeds to give him the best sex he’s ever had—every position he can think of until he’s about ready to pass out. Finally, they finish and he says, "Thank you ma’am, this was amazing, but I really should finish my route."
She stops him and says, "I have one more thing for you," and then reaches over to the nightstand, pulls out a crisp $5 bill, and hands it to him. Confused, the mailman says, "Ma’am, the breakfast was amazing, the sex was mind-blowing, but what is up with the five dollars?"
The lady responds, "Well, my husband and I were watching TV last night when I said, 'Hey, tomorrow is the mailman’s last day, think we should do something?' And he said, 'Fuck ’em. Give him 5 bucks.' But breakfast was my idea!”
He asks the waitress, "Miss, are you the one who gives the handjobs?"
She winks and replies, "Why yes I am." He says, "Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."
The bartender replied, “Of course Sister, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.
Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,said the good Sister.
So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the pub. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?
Well, now they know you're one of us,said the bartender, “Would you like a drink,No thank you, but, I still don't understand,said the puzzled nun.
You see, laughed the bartender,every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?
Trump says, "Are you stupid? Are you an idiot? Out of your mind? Are you retarded?"
The kid replies, "You know what, I've changed my mind. Those are too many requirements."
Wonderwoman on a hill top; she was lying on her back
and her legs were spread wide apart...
He flew in for a closer look, and noticed her
pussy lips were expanding and contracting while
her tits were bouncing... as if On Their Own!
Superman felt aroused. He thought to himself,
"I'll fly down there and fuck her at Super speed,
and then I'll fly away before she knows what hit her!"
And THAT, he Did...
BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM!
BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM!
BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM!
BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM!
...and he immediately flew away.
Dazed and bewildered, Womanwoman looked around
and asked "What the fuck was That?!"
the Invisible Man got up and said,
"I don't know. But my ass HURTS like a Motherfucker!!!"
Lil Red Riding Hood pulled out her shot gun..''Dont worry mom..I got it covered.''
So she got her basket that was filled with jellies and rolls and headed to her Grandmaw's house. Along the way she ran into a rabbit...he asked, ''Where are you going Lil Red Riding Hood?''
She said, ''I am off to my Grandmaw's with a basket of goodies.''
The rabbit said, ''Lil Red Riding Hood, you better be careful..the big bad wolf is out there and you know what he will do to you. He will pull up your lil red dress, pull down your lil red panties and fuck your lil red socks off.''
Lil Red Riding Hood held up her shot gun, ''Dont worry Mr Rabbit... I got it covered.'' So she went on her way.
Soon the big bad wolf jumped out in front of her and asked, ''Lil Red Riding Hood, where are you going?''
She said, ''I am off to my Grandmaw's with a basket of goodies.''
He said, ''You should not be out here..you know what I am going to do to you. I am going to pull up your lil red dress, pull down your lil red panties and fuck your lil red socks off.''
Lil Red Riding Hood jerked up her lil red dress... pulled down her lil red panties and lay down on the ground. She pointed the shot gun at him and said, ''Oh no you're not... You're going to eat me like the book says !!!''
"No," replied the bloke, "I've been ill."
A. Getting fingered by Captain Hook.
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Q: How does a woman scare a gynecologist?
A: By becoming a ventriloquist!
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What’s the difference between your wife and your job?
After five years, your job will still suck.
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Q. What would you see if you had a ten Inch dick growing out of your forehead?
A. Nothing, your balls are in the way.
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why do people love to eat refined beans so much?
Because they love to take bubble baths.
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Doctor: “I’ve found a great new drug that can help you with your sleeping problem.”
Patient: “Great, how often do I have to take it?”
Doctor: “Every two hours.”
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A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, "Anything you say can and will be held against you." The man replies, "Boobs!"
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An elderly couple are in church. The wife leans over and whispers to her husband, "I just let out a long, silent fart. What should I do?" The husband replies, "First off, replace the batteries in your hearing aid!"
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What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?
One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.
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What's better than eating a mandarin.?
Eating Amanda out.
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What's the difference between an ugly woman and a beautiful one?
Two stiff drinks.
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Did you know there were gay bars in the wild west?
Well, the bar doors swun both ways!
"I always gag when brushing my teeth and tounge, but never when I give my boyfreind head. Whats the problem?"
Doctor replies:
"Obviously your toohbrush is larger !"
You can sleeep with a light on.
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Why is sex like a bridge game?
You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.
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How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
His hand caught fire.
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Q. What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
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Sex is like math. Add a bed, Subtract the clothes, Divide the legs, and pray you don’t Multiply!
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Q: What does a good bar and a good woman have in common?
A: Liquor in the front and poker in the back !!!
A. Hippies donґt marry
A. Nothing, the balls would block my view
1.
2.
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I didn't either until I saw his head and shoulders in the glove compartment
The pilot, you fuckin racist.
answer tulips (two lips)on an organ
The wheelchair!
Paddy goes into Wetherspoons( pub chain uk)and asks a member of bar staff how much the cocktails are.
She said" Ј4 a glass and Ј10 for a pitcher
Paddy said "Why would I want my photo taken with a drinklol
Esther alway replied, "I know Morris , but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars".
One year Esther & Morris wnet to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance".
To this, Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."
The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word, I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars."
Morris & Esther agree & up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over & over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris & said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed
Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars😂
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A bloke went into hospital to have his appendix taken out. On the day of the operation, the chief surgeon was giving a lesson to a student surgeon who started to open the guy up when the scalpel slipped in her hand and accidentally chopped the bloke's balls off. "Oh dear," said the student surgeon, "what are we going to do? Can't let him walk around like that, he'll think he's deformed. "These things happen" said the chief surgeon but then the nurse chipped in and said: "Well sir, there'a jar of pickled onions in the cupboard, if we sow a couple on afterwards, he'll never know the difference." After the guy's appendix was taken out, the nurse reached in the jar and selected the two biggest pickled onions she could find and they were sown on just underneath the guy's dick and he was then wheeled back to the ward. Couple of days later, the surgeon was doing his rounds and went up to the bloke. "Good morning, Mr. Smith, how are you feeling now?" "Not too bad
--------------------------------------- added after 9 minutes
A bloke went into hospital to have his appendix taken out. On the day of the operation, the chief surgeon was giving a lesson to a student surgeon who started to open the guy up when the scalpel slipped in her hand and accidentally chopped the bloke's balls off. "Oh dear," said the student surgeon, "what are we going to do? Can't let him walk around like that, he'll think he's deformed. "These things happen" said the chief surgeon but then the nurse chipped in and said: "Well sir, there'a jar of pickled onions in the cupboard, if we sow a couple on afterwards, he'll never know the difference." So after the guy's appendix was taken out, the nurse reached in the jar and selected the two biggest pickled onions she could find and they were sown on just underneath the guy's dick and he was then wheeled back to the ward. Couple of days later, the surgeon was doing his rounds and went up to the bloke. "Good morning, Mr. Smith, how are you feeling now?" "Not too bad, thanks," said the bloke "but there's just one thing that's puzzling me." "What's that?" asked the surgeon. "Well," replied the bloke, "you know when your dick gets hard every time you see a sexy woman in nice tight clothing?" "Yes", replied the doctor. "Well," replied the bloke, "I get a hard-on every time I see a cheese sandwich."
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Don't know what went wrong there. Sorry.