What's the difference between a chick pea and a black eyed pea?


A) I've never had a black eyed pea on my face. 🤣🤣🤣

LORD Cameron

There is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it. Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." As soon as he sees her, she takes off running. He tries to catch her, but is unable. This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds. After this he tries the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds in a week. The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions. The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her. This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less. Excited about this success, he decides to do the master program. Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan. Still he signs up. The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging erection, and a sign around his neck that says, "If I catch you, you're mine!" The man was supposed to lose 25 pounds in the week; he lost 34.

I was at a party and a girl rolled her eyes at me.
I picked them up and rolled them back at her.

A man wakes up and finds himself alone in a hospital room.
He has no recollection of how he got there. While pondering his situation, his bedside phone rings, and he answers it.

A doctor on the other end identifies himself, and tells the man: "I have really bad news. You're very sick. After your collapse yesterday, we ordered several tests, and got the results back this morning. I'm afraid you have Avian flu, Ebola, and you've tested positive for HIV, hepatitis and Covid."

Stunned, the man asks "Well, what's next!? What are you going to do?"

The doc replies: "Well, for starters, we're putting you on a strict diet of only pizza."

The patient asks: "Will that really help me, doctor?"

"No", the doc responds. "But it's all we can fit under the door."

What do Jeffrey Epstein and Joe Biden have in common?

Neither can finish a sentence...

Maria went home happy, telling her mother about how she earned $20 by climbing a tree. Her mom responded, "Maria, they just wanted to see your panties!" Maria replied, "See Mom, I was smart, I took them off!"

Did you hear about the time when this woman told ken31234 to give her 10 inches and to make it hurt?

Kenny fucked her three times and punched her in the face!

What an asshole!

Kid 1: "Hey, I bet you're still a virgin."
Kid 2: "Well, I was a virgin until last night ."
Kid 1: "As if."
Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister."
Kid 1: "I don't have a sister."
Kid 2: "You will in about nine months."

Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"
Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Ali Gee."
Reporter: "Sex?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy cow!"
Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."
Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"
Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."
Reporter: "Oh dear!"
Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."

I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

A friend told me he had an Oedipus Complex... I said, "Motherfucker, what's wrong with you?"

I keep hearing a duck quacking behind me. BUt when I turn around, thereґs no duck! Just a nasty smell!

Q: What is the definition of Confidence?

A: When your wife catches you in bed with another woman and you slap her on the ass and say, "You're next Baby... !"

I was checking out various international news sites when I saw this story from Poland. Apparently a single engine, two seater Cessna crashed. The newsreader repoted that the plane crashed in a cemetery. As of reporting, rescue workers recovered 125 bodies and they expect to recover more.

My sexy Chinese neighbour,said she desperately needs a roger
I only realized when I had my cock out,she meant renting out who spareroom 😂

James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "State-of-the-art watch? What is so special about it?" "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically," Bond explains. "So what's it telling you now?" says the woman. "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties," Bond replies. The woman giggles and says, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!" Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."

A mailman is making his route. On his last day before retirement, he gets to one of the last houses when the lady of the house answers the door in a slinky negligee and says, "Today is your last day, isn’t it? Come with me; I have a surprise for you."

She takes him by the hand and leads him into the house where he finds a complete breakfast feast laid out for him—eggs, pancakes, bacon, the works. The mailman stuffs himself, pushes back from the table, and says, "Thank you ma’am, this was wonderful, but I really should finish my route."

She stops him and informs him there’s more, then leads him into the bedroom where she proceeds to give him the best sex he’s ever had—every position he can think of until he’s about ready to pass out. Finally, they finish and he says, "Thank you ma’am, this was amazing, but I really should finish my route."

She stops him and says, "I have one more thing for you," and then reaches over to the nightstand, pulls out a crisp $5 bill, and hands it to him. Confused, the mailman says, "Ma’am, the breakfast was amazing, the sex was mind-blowing, but what is up with the five dollars?"

The lady responds, "Well, my husband and I were watching TV last night when I said, 'Hey, tomorrow is the mailman’s last day, think we should do something?' And he said, 'Fuck ’em. Give him 5 bucks.' But breakfast was my idea!”

A man walks into a bar. Upon sitting down a busty blond waitress pours him a drink and asks if he would like some food. He looks up at the menu above the bar. It says Hot Dog $2, Cheeseburger $5, and Handjob $10.

He asks the waitress, "Miss, are you the one who gives the handjobs?"

She winks and replies, "Why yes I am." He says, "Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left. A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left. A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half." The guy left. The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor, follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back." A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So, where does he go when he leaves?" Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Your house!"

Sister Bridgette, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a pub in Tralee. The place was quite lively with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, May I please use the restroom
The bartender replied, “Of course Sister, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.
Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,said the good Sister.
So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the pub. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?
Well, now they know you're one of us,said the bartender, “Would you like a drink,No thank you, but, I still don't understand,said the puzzled nun.
You see, laughed the bartender,every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?

A Mexican kid meets Donald Trump and says to him, "I want to be President one day."

Trump says, "Are you stupid? Are you an idiot? Out of your mind? Are you retarded?"

The kid replies, "You know what, I've changed my mind. Those are too many requirements."

Superman flew over Paradise Island and saw
Wonderwoman on a hill top; she was lying on her back
and her legs were spread wide apart...

He flew in for a closer look, and noticed her
pussy lips were expanding and contracting while
her tits were bouncing... as if On Their Own!

Superman felt aroused. He thought to himself,
"I'll fly down there and fuck her at Super speed,
and then I'll fly away before she knows what hit her!"

And THAT, he Did...

BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM!
BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM!
BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM!
BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM!

...and he immediately flew away.

Dazed and bewildered, Womanwoman looked around
and asked "What the fuck was That?!"

the Invisible Man got up and said,
"I don't know. But my ass HURTS like a Motherfucker!!!"

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor." "Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell." "My dear," the doctor said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is." "The problem is," she complained, "it wakes me up!"

Lil Red Riding Hood got ready and was leaving her mother's house. Her mom said... ''Now remember Lil Red Riding Hood..the big bad wolf is out there and you know what he will do to you. He will pull up your lil red dress, pull down your lil red panties and fuck your lil red socks off.''

Lil Red Riding Hood pulled out her shot gun..''Dont worry mom..I got it covered.''

So she got her basket that was filled with jellies and rolls and headed to her Grandmaw's house. Along the way she ran into a rabbit...he asked, ''Where are you going Lil Red Riding Hood?''

She said, ''I am off to my Grandmaw's with a basket of goodies.''

The rabbit said, ''Lil Red Riding Hood, you better be careful..the big bad wolf is out there and you know what he will do to you. He will pull up your lil red dress, pull down your lil red panties and fuck your lil red socks off.''

Lil Red Riding Hood held up her shot gun, ''Dont worry Mr Rabbit... I got it covered.'' So she went on her way.

Soon the big bad wolf jumped out in front of her and asked, ''Lil Red Riding Hood, where are you going?''

She said, ''I am off to my Grandmaw's with a basket of goodies.''

He said, ''You should not be out here..you know what I am going to do to you. I am going to pull up your lil red dress, pull down your lil red panties and fuck your lil red socks off.''

Lil Red Riding Hood jerked up her lil red dress... pulled down her lil red panties and lay down on the ground. She pointed the shot gun at him and said, ''Oh no you're not... You're going to eat me like the book says !!!''

Bloke went to the doctor and the doctor said: "Hello mate, not seen you for a long while."
"No," replied the bloke, "I've been ill."

Liz Truss, Rishi Sunak, Jeremy Cunt (oops! Hunt, sorry for typing error) etc.

Q. What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
A. Getting fingered by Captain Hook.

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Q: How does a woman scare a gynecologist?
A: By becoming a ventriloquist!

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What’s the difference between your wife and your job?
After five years, your job will still suck.

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Q. What would you see if you had a ten Inch dick growing out of your forehead?
A. Nothing, your balls are in the way.

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why do people love to eat refined beans so much?
Because they love to take bubble baths.

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Doctor: “I’ve found a great new drug that can help you with your sleeping problem.”
Patient: “Great, how often do I have to take it?”
Doctor: “Every two hours.”

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A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, "Anything you say can and will be held against you." The man replies, "Boobs!"

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An elderly couple are in church. The wife leans over and whispers to her husband, "I just let out a long, silent fart. What should I do?" The husband replies, "First off, replace the batteries in your hearing aid!"

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What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?
One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.

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What's better than eating a mandarin.?
Eating Amanda out.

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What's the difference between an ugly woman and a beautiful one?
Two stiff drinks.

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Did you know there were gay bars in the wild west?
Well, the bar doors swun both ways!

Patient says to the doctor:
"I always gag when brushing my teeth and tounge, but never when I give my boyfreind head. Whats the problem?"
Doctor replies:
"Obviously your toohbrush is larger !"

What's the difference between light and hard?
You can sleeep with a light on.

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Why is sex like a bridge game?
You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.

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How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
His hand caught fire.

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Q. What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

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Sex is like math. Add a bed, Subtract the clothes, Divide the legs, and pray you don’t Multiply!

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Q: What does a good bar and a good woman have in common?
A: Liquor in the front and poker in the back !!!

The pussy slit said to the vulva: Your friend with the big purple head must be ill because every time he keeps sticking his head in here he throughs up.

Little Johnny and his mother was going to grandpas' farm for the weekendsince the dad was away on a weekend buissnes and wouldn't be home until Sunday afternoon. Little Johnny was looking out the back window of the car at a stop sign and sees two rabbits going at it, he yells, "Mom, mom, what are those two rabbits doing? The mom already seen the rabbits and had hoped that little Johnny wouldn't see them. The Mom got flustered and blurted the first PG rated thing that came into her head, "they are having a fish fry Johnny." Little Johnny started laughing and said, "oh, that's what you call it." The mom cracked a grin thinking she just averted the birds and the bees talk. 20 or so minutes go by and Johnny spots 2 horses going at it and yells, "mom, those two horses are having a fish fry." The mom cracked a grin and said, "that's correct, they are having a fish fry." After the long weekend stay in the country they returned home Sunday at noon. At 9:00 pm Johnny's mom and dad tucked him in and wished him sweet dreams. The dad chased the mom back to their room and locked the door. The mom was already naked on the bed before he could blink. They fucked for about a hour, until he filled her pussy with a massive cream pie. After all the panting and hard breathing subsided, the mom heard Johnny playing the video game down stairs. She quickly wiped her crotch and put on a short robe, and flew down the stairs. She yelled, "what on earth are you doing out of bed. You have school tomorrow!" Johnny looked up at his mother and said, "you and dad were making to much noise at the fish fry to s-l-e-e-p." The mom yelled, "why would you even think that we would be having a fish fry Johnny?" Johnny smiled and said, "mom I'm not stupid, but correct me if I'm wrong, but you still have tartar sauce running down your leg."

Due to the cost of living crisis and massive tax rises, my wife and I have decided not to have kids. So we're kicking them out tomorrow.

What's the difference between a pussy and a fridge? A fridge doesn't fart when you take your meat out!

Why will you never starve in the desert? Because of the sand-which-is there

my friend's dog ate a bunch of scrabble tiles, he took it to the vet, no word yet

Q. Why did the hippie not believe in the Mississippi?
A. Hippies donґt marry

Q. What would I see if I had a ten ich dick growing out of my forehead?
A. Nothing, the balls would block my view

There are 3 unwritten laws of life:
1.
2.
3.

Did you know that Paul Walker had dandruff?

I didn't either until I saw his head and shoulders in the glove compartment

How do you know which Sicilian girl is still a virgin? The one who can run faster than all her brothers.

My girlfriend told me I had a model penis. I thought that was great until I looked it up and it said "a smaller replica of the real thing."

What do you call the black guy who's flying the plane?

The pilot, you fuckin racist.

What do you get when you cross an owl with a bungee cord ?

How do you get 4 gay guys on a bar stool? Turn it upside down!!!! LOL

whats better than a dozen roses on a piano

answer tulips (two lips)on an organ

Liz Truss

What is the worst thing about eating a vegetable?

The wheelchair!

The pretty lesbians next door gave me a rolex for my birthday, which was nice, but i think they misunderstood me when i said i wana watch

Paddy goes into Wetherspoons( pub chain uk)and asks a member of bar staff how much the cocktails are.

She said" Ј4 a glass and Ј10 for a pitcher

Paddy said "Why would I want my photo taken with a drinklol

Morris & his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."
Esther alway replied, "I know Morris , but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars".
One year Esther & Morris wnet to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance".
To this, Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."
The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word, I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars."
Morris & Esther agree & up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over & over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris & said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed


Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars😂

A vicar had just finished evensong and was walking home when he inadvertently strayed into a red light district. Passing an alleyway, he heard a bloke say "how much for a blow job?" and a woman answered "fifty quid." The vicar was somewhat bemused but carried on and five minutes later passed another alleyway when he heard another bloke say "how much for a blow job?" and another woman answered "fifty quid". The vicar was now quite intrigued as he had no idea what a blow job is, then he had a brainwave. "I know," he said to himself, "I'll stop off at the abbey and ask my friend the Reverend Mother, she'll know the answer." He arrived at the abbey and went into the office where the Reverend Mother sat behind her desk. "Reverend Mother," said the vicar, "may I ask a question?" "Of course," said the Reverend Mother". "What's a blow job?" asked the vicar, "Fifty quid," the Reverend Mother replied, "same as it is in town."


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A bloke went into hospital to have his appendix taken out. On the day of the operation, the chief surgeon was giving a lesson to a student surgeon who started to open the guy up when the scalpel slipped in her hand and accidentally chopped the bloke's balls off. "Oh dear," said the student surgeon, "what are we going to do? Can't let him walk around like that, he'll think he's deformed. "These things happen" said the chief surgeon but then the nurse chipped in and said: "Well sir, there'a jar of pickled onions in the cupboard, if we sow a couple on afterwards, he'll never know the difference." After the guy's appendix was taken out, the nurse reached in the jar and selected the two biggest pickled onions she could find and they were sown on just underneath the guy's dick and he was then wheeled back to the ward. Couple of days later, the surgeon was doing his rounds and went up to the bloke. "Good morning, Mr. Smith, how are you feeling now?" "Not too bad
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A bloke went into hospital to have his appendix taken out. On the day of the operation, the chief surgeon was giving a lesson to a student surgeon who started to open the guy up when the scalpel slipped in her hand and accidentally chopped the bloke's balls off. "Oh dear," said the student surgeon, "what are we going to do? Can't let him walk around like that, he'll think he's deformed. "These things happen" said the chief surgeon but then the nurse chipped in and said: "Well sir, there'a jar of pickled onions in the cupboard, if we sow a couple on afterwards, he'll never know the difference." So after the guy's appendix was taken out, the nurse reached in the jar and selected the two biggest pickled onions she could find and they were sown on just underneath the guy's dick and he was then wheeled back to the ward. Couple of days later, the surgeon was doing his rounds and went up to the bloke. "Good morning, Mr. Smith, how are you feeling now?" "Not too bad, thanks," said the bloke "but there's just one thing that's puzzling me." "What's that?" asked the surgeon. "Well," replied the bloke, "you know when your dick gets hard every time you see a sexy woman in nice tight clothing?" "Yes", replied the doctor. "Well," replied the bloke, "I get a hard-on every time I see a cheese sandwich."


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Don't know what went wrong there. Sorry.