The next James Bond film is to be set in an opticians.
Its going to be called "For Four Eyes Only".

* * * *

Did you hear about the politician who sat on a microphone?
He was talking out of his arse.

* * * *

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”

She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.”
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".

Sad news. I've just heard that the bloke who invented predictive text has pissed away. His funfair is next monkey.


A clown held the door open for me the other day.


It was a nice jester.


I saw a loaf in a cage at the ****. the other day. Apparently it was bread in captivity...


Did you here about the scarecrow who won a lifetime achievement award, he was OUTSTANDING in his field

A woman was standing at the edge of a cliff trying to get the nerve to jump off.
A homeless drunk stopped and mumbled,
If you're about to kill yourself, how about a shag before you go
The woman was angry and said,
Now FK Off you filthy old bastard.
The tramp turned to leave and said,

No problems, I'll just go and wait at the bottom then

Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know.
One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside and made them line up.
Suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by.
Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?"
Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, Lulu told her that the police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.
Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," Grandma said, and she proceeded to the back of the line.
A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all the prostitutes. When he got to grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it old girl
Grandma replied, Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck em' dry.
The policeman fainted.

A woman is standing looking in the bedroom mirror… She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly… I really need you to pay me a compliment.” The husband replies, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"

A police officer was patrolling the highway when he sees a stunning brunette tied up to a tree, crying. The officer stops and approaches the woman. "What's going on here?", he asks. The woman sobs, "I was driving and picked up a hitchhiker. He pulled a gun on me, robbed me, took all my money, my clothes, my car and then tied me up." The cop studied the girl for a moment, and then pulled down his pants and whipped out his dick. "I guess this isn't your lucky day!"

Three guys begin work at a toothbrush company as salesmen. Each day, two of the guys sell twenty toothbrushes each, and the third guy consistently sells over two hundred. The other two guys are jealous, and they can't figure out his s3cret. They run into him at the mall one day, where he's set up a dip sample table.
"This is your s3cret?" says the first guy.
"Try some dip," says the super salesman. They both take a little bit of dip.
"Fuck!" says the second guy. "This tastes like shit!"
"It is shit. Would you like to buy a toothbrush?"
*Lix*

When I die I hope I go like my dear old dad, peacefully in my ****... Not screaming in terror like his passengers.

My little worthless dick trying to satisfy a women!

A guy walks into a bar with an alligator. It's about 10 feet long. The bartender flips out and says, "Hey buddy, you gotta get that son of a bitch outta here. It's going to bite one of my customers and I'm going to get sued."

The guy says, "No no no, it's a tame alligator. I'll prove it to you."
He picks up the alligator and puts it on the bar. Then he unzips his pants, pulls out his package and sticks it in the alligator's mouth. The alligator just keeps his mouth open. After about 5 minutes, he pulls it out of the alligator's mouth and zips up his pants and says, "See, I told you it was a tame alligator. Anybody else want to try it?"

The drunk down at the end of the bar says, "Yah, I'd like to try it but I don't think I can hold my mouth open that long!"

3 guys get pulled over by a woman cop while they’re driving down the road smoking a big ol’ spliff.

They asked if there was anything they could do to get out of a citation, so the woman cop smirked and said, “If all three of you boys have 15 inches of dick between you, I’ll let you go.”

So the guys look to eachother and nod, and all agree to the terms.

The driver pulls out his dick, the cop measures it and says, “7 inches, not bad.”

The guy in the front of the passenger seat pulls his out, and the cop measures it and says, “6 inches.”

The last guy in the back has a nervous look on his face but finally pulls his out and the cop (after she stops laughing) measures it and says, “2 inches. Looks like you guys just barely squeaked by!”

So they get out of the ticket and go back to the first guy’s house for a beer. After a couple of drinks they start bragging.

The first guy says, “You guys are lucky that I had seven inches.”

And then the second guy says, “You guys are lucky that I had six inches.”

And then the third guy says, “You guys are lucky that I had a hard-on!”

A guy goes on to a ship to sail the world, but he notices no women on board, so he runs to the Captain.
'Captain captain.! theres no women on board what will be do for pleasure'???
Captain say, 'Ohh... dont worry me laddie just stick ur dick in that barrel and everything will be alright while we're at sea'.
So after a few weeks at sea the guy sticks his dick in the barrel and gets a wonderful blow job.
So he does this every day after that until one day he sticks his dick in the barrel and nothing happened.
So he runs to the captain and says 'Captain captain! I stuck my dick in the barrel and nothing happened'.
Captain says 'Ohhh I forgot to tell you laddie its your turn in the barrel!'

"Do you know what's worse than ants in your pants?" ........... "Uncles"

A father bought a new cot for his baby and put a tin lid on top to stop the cat getting in. One day, he inadvertently left his hat on the lid when a playwright friend of his walked in.
"Oh boy," said the playwright, "you've just given me the title I've been searching for, for my new play."
"What's that?" the father replied.
"Hat on a Cot Tin Roof," the playwright replied.

* * * *
--------------------------------------- added after 2 minutes

A man and a woman meet in an elevator. "Where are you heading today?" the man asks.

"I'm going down to give blo od."

"How much do you get paid for giving blo od?"

"About $20."

"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100." The woman angrily gets off the elevator.

The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.

"Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"

"Sperm bank," she says with her mouth full.

I'd like to di e peacefully in my sle ep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and crying like his passengers.

My hamster died the other day. He fell asleep at the wheel

Donald Trump will win the elections

Aladdin and the genie:
only registered users can see external links

What is the difference between Broccoli and Boogers...Kids don't eat Broccoli...

bit late for Xmas and its originally from a departed member, not sure who they were but there number was 444014
l liked it and had a chuckle *lix*


'Twas the night before Christmas,and just for a stunt..
Santa buried his face in some hookers cunt...

There was a loud noise,and he jumped with a start.
It seems that the hooker cut loose with a fart.

All he could do,was splutter and spit.
His face and his beard were all plastered with shit.

The hooker just sat there,perched on the bed,
Panting and groaning,but her face turning red.

Santa was laughing and said with a cheer,
"I know what I'll do,I'll screw one of the deer."

They're cleaner and neater,and don't you suppose,
They'll be the right height,if I stand on my toes.

The hooker so puzzled,was scratching her head..
But which one is Rudolph and is there a Fred ?

This one was posted here /forum/thread.php?id=22898&p=1#t416631 by spermkiss. Credit to him.

A guy was in a sex question contest and he took along a French man to help him out if needed, but he didn't want to ask for help if he didn't need it.

The first question he was asked was: "You are with a beautiful nude woman, where is the first place you would kiss her?" He quickly answered "On the mouth." Next question: "Where is the second place you'd kiss her?" "On the breast." These answers were correct so the third question was: "Where is the third place you'd kiss her?"

This question made him very uncomfortable and he thought about it and began to squirm. Finally he turned to the French man who said "Don't look to me for help, I would have gotten the first two wrong."

4 nuns stand in line ready to confess their sins to the priest.
1st one enters..

Nun1: ''Father,forgive me for i have sinned.I seen the male thing''.
Priest: ''Say 10 Our Fathers and wash your eyes in the Holy water''.

2nd nun enters..

Nun2: ''Forgive me Father for i have sinned.I've touched male thing''.
Priest: ''Say 20 Our Fathers and wash your hand in the Holy water''.

3th nun wants to enter but 4th one pushes her and enters before her..

Nun4: ''Father!You are crazy if you think I will wash my mouth after She washes her ass in the Holy water''!!

Learn Chinese in 5 minutes (You MUST read them aloud)
English - Chinese

That's not right! Sum Ting Wong
Are you harbouring a fugitive? Hu Yu Ha i Ding
See me ASAP Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man Dum Fuk
Small Horse Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach? Wai Yu So Tan
I bumped into a coffee table! Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin Ni
I think you need a face lift! Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here! Wai So Dim
I thought you were on a diet! Wai Yu Mun Ching
This is a tow away zone! No Pah King
Our meeting is scheduled for next week! Wai Yu Kum Nao
Staying out of sight Lei Ying Lo
He's cleaning his automobile Wa Shing Ka
Your body odour is offensive Yu Stin Ki Pu
Great Fa Kin Su Pa

Paul to Jane: Would you like to be my girlfriend?
Jane: That’s a bit direct. Can’t you come up with something more beautiful?
Paul: I tried, but they didn’t want.

A baby seal walks into a club!

The devil suddenly appears in the church service. All the people run screaming from the church except for one old man. The devil walks up to him and says, "Aren't you afraid of me?" The old man answers, "Naw, I'm married to your ****."

It is so cold outside I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small ****. "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your ****'s name, Penny." At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."

I see the Ronald McDonald House had another fund raiser,they got like 90 plus million bucks....... How Big a house that Fuckin' Clown need?

A horse had to have an operation. Afterwards, the vet said it was in a stable condition.

* * * *

A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped. “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.” The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window. “Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl. “Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25…”

Here's another joke: Hillary may win the elections.

A Muslim, a Jew, a Christian and an atheist walk into a coffee shop and sit down together and they talk, laugh, drink coffee and become good friends. That's what happens when you're not an asshole.

What is better then a cold bud? A warm Bush...

Bloke went to the doctor. "Hello mate," said the doctor, "not seen you for awhile."

"No," replied the bloke, "I've been ill".


* * * *


A comedian went on stage carrying a paraffin oil stove and said to the audience: "they told me I'm the warm up act."


* * * *

A farmer is working on the land when he notices he forgot his shoes in the barn. He tells his help to go and get them. When the help gets to the barn he finds the farmer's two daughters.

The help says: “I may give you a kiss. Your dad said so.”

“No way,” the girls reply, “Prove it.”

The help shouts out to the farmer: “Both of them, right?”

“Of course, you numbskull!”

Three nuns were confronted by a priest. It seems that they had been caught fooling around with one of the younger priests in the church, Father O'rielly.

The Father who confronted the Nuns asked the first Nun, "****, please tell me what you have done."

Nun1 replies, "Please forgive me father, I gave pleasure Father O'rielly stroking him."

The Priest is disgusted but regains his composure and says, "May the Lord forgive you. Please wash your hands in this Holy water and say 10 Hail Marry's."

The Priest turns to the second Nun and says, "****, please tell me what you have done."

At that moment the 3rd Nun steps up interrupting the 2nd Nun and says, "Wait just a minute, if you think I'm going to gargle that Holy water after she sticks her ass in it you're crazy!"

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

Q - What's the difference between oral and anal sex?

A - Oral sex makes your day and Anal sex makes your whole weak

I WAS IN THE FISH MARKET AND 2 LADY'S SITTING QUIETLY WAITING ON THERE FOOD AND A BLIND MAN WALK IN AND SAID HELLO LADIES . HAAHAHAHA GET IT ?

THE MALE STAGES OF LIFE
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

AGE DRINK

17 beer
25 vodka
35 scotch
48 double scotch
66 Maalox



SEDUCTION LINE

17 My parents are away for the weekend.
25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35 My fianc�e is away for the weekend.
48 My wife is away for the weekend.
66 My second wife is dead.



FAVORITE SPORT

17 sex
25 sex
35 sex
48 sex
66 napping



DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE

17 "tongue"
25 "breakfast"
35 "She didn't set back my therapy."
48 "I didn't have to meet her kids."
66 "Got home alive."



FAVORITE FANTASY

17 getting to third
25 airplane sex
35 menage a trois
48 taking the company public
66 Swiss maid/Nazi love slave



HOUSE PET

17 roaches
25 stoned-out college roommate
35 German Shepherd
48 **** from his first marriage
66 Barbi



WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?

17 25
25 35
35 48
48 66
66 17
--------------------------------------- added after 4 minutes

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
THE FEMALE STAGES OF LIFE
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

AGE DRINK

17 Wine Coolers
25 White wine
35 Red wine
48 Dom Perignon
66 Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser



EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES

17 Need to wash my hair
25 Need to wash and condition my hair
35 Need to colour my hair
48 Need to have Francois colour my hair
66 Need to have Francois colour my wig



FAVORITE SPORT

17 shopping
25 shopping
35 shopping
48 shopping
66 shopping



DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 "Burger King"
25 "Free meal"
35 "A diamond"
48 "A bigger diamond"
66 "Home Alone"



FAVORITE FANTASY
17 tall, dark and handsome
25 tall, dark and handsome with money
35 tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48 a man with hair
66 a man



HOUSE PET
17 Muffy the cat
25 Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
35 German Shepherd and Muffy the Cat
48 **** from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat
66 Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muff the Cat



WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 17
25 25
35 35
48 48
66 66



IDEAL DATE
17 He offers to pay
25 He pays
35 He cooks breakfast the next morning
48 He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66 He can chew breakfast

Last night I tried a new imported exotic meat from Kashyyyk for dinner. I waited, and waited for the price of Wookie to drop, and finally scored at $1.00 a pound. I threw it in the crock pot. After my first bite I couldn't figure out what all the fuss was about. It turned out to be a "Little Chewy."

Here's a good one I saw on the internet today ... and it's a story we all know , but it does have a twist like we never heard before ... with a real happy ending ............... So hope you like it !!!

Lil Red Riding Hood got ready and was leaving her mother's house. Her mom said... ''Now remember Lil Red Riding Hood..the big bad wolf is out there and you know what he will do to you. He will pull up your lil red dress, pull down your lil red panties and fuck your lil red socks off.''

Lil Red Riding Hood pulled out her shot gun..''Dont worry mom..I got it covered''

So she got her basket that was filled with jellies and rolls and headed to her Grandmaw's house. Along the way she ran into a rabbit...he asked, ''Where are you going Lil Red Riding Hood?''

She said, ''I am off to my Grandmaw's with a basket of goodies''

The rabbit said, ''Lil Red Riding Hood, you better be careful..the big bad wolf is out there and you know what he will do to you. He will pull up your lil red dress, pull down your lil red panties and fuck your lil red socks off.''

Lil Red Riding Hood held up her shot gun, ''Dont worry Mr Rabbit... I got it covered''. So she went on her way.

Soon the big bad wolf jumped out in front of her and asked, ''Lil Red Riding Hood, where are you going?''

She said, ''I am off to my Grandmaw's with a basket of goodies''

He said, ''You should not be out here..you know what I am going to do to you. I am going to pull up your lil red dress, pull down your lil red panties and fuck your lil red socks off.''

Lil Red Riding Hood jerked up her lil red dress... pulled down her lil red panties and layed down on the ground. She pointed the shot gun at him and said, ''Oh no you're not... You're going to eat me like the book says !!!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home...

***

During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

***

One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy...why are you doing that for?" He said, "Because you came home early."

A guy offers a girl a drink, but the girl says alcohol is bad for her legs,

The guy asks "Do they swell?"

The girl replies "No they spread"

A married couple is lying in bed one night.

The wife is curled up, ready to go to sl.eep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book.

As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special bits.

He does this a few times, but only for a very short interval before returning to read his book.

The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused and, assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement before going further, gets up and starts stripping in front of him.

The husband is confused and asks, Why are you taking off your clothes?

His wife replies, You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay.

The husband says, No, not at all.

His wife asks angrily, Well, what the hell were you doing then?

I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book.

Boss: Hey, idiot! You are late to work AGAIN!!!
Employee: Sorry, Boss... It's just that my wife is going to have a baby...
Boss: Really? Congratulations!
Employee: Thank you!!!
Boss: And when is it going to be born?
Employee: In nine months...

The husband is not at home. The wife is spending time with another man. She heard the keys jangling at the front door so she told the man to hide in the wardrobe. She puts her hands together , looks at the sky and prays. Oh God, you can do whatever with me but please don't let my husband find out because he would kill us both. The heavens opened and God says " Ok as you wish but in 3 years I am going to bring you to heaven and you will drown ".
She replies yes anything you ask for as long as he doesn't find out. Everything is fine and time passes. The woman doesn't have a bath, she doesn't go swimming. She is trying to avoid the water. 5 years pass and she totally forgets about her promise to God. She buys a round the world cruise. The boat is full of women, they are all having fun. The boat slowly starts to sink. The woman remembers her promise to God. She gets down on her knees, puts her hands together, looks at the sky and says " Oh God, now you want to take me? Look around and see how many innocent women are going to die here with me ". The heavens opened again and God says " 2 years, 2 bloody years it has taken me to get all you cheating whores together on one boat ".

A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator." Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn’t wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn’t suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don’t fit into anymore. Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, "Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?" "And so, here we are!"

Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them; they said it would be just like winning Lotto! I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off, and to my horror, we had six matching balls!

Valentine's Day Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though; she's lousy at snooker.

I asked a Chinese girl for her phone number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started
massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front
turned and snarled, "Just what the hell are you doing?"

"Well," said the guy, "you see, I'm a massage therapist and I could see that you
were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help
practicing my art!"

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied. "I work for the
IRS. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?"

Two candles were having a conversation.
"What you doing later?" asked one.
"Going out," the other replied.

* * *

Two candles were having a fierce argument. After 10 minutes, one of them said: "for fuck sake, will you shut up. You're getting on my wick."

* * *

My hamster died the other day. It fell asleep at the wheel.

* * *

A guy drove up a farm track and accidentally ran over a cockerel. He knocked on the door of the farmhouse and a blonde bimbo answered.
"I'm ever so sorry," said the man, "but I've just run over and killed one of your cockerels. I'd like to replace it."
"Please yourself," the blonde bimbo replied, "the hens are round the back."

* * *

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman went into a pub. "Is this some kind of joke?" asked the barman.

* * *

An Irishman, a Scotsman and an Englishman were lined up in front of the firing squad.
"Have you any final requests?" asked the executioner to the Irishman.
"Yes," replied the Irishman, "I'd like to hear a choir singing "If You're Irish, Come Into The Parlour."
The executioner then turned to the Scotsman and said: "Have you any final requests?"
"Yes" replied the Scotsman, "I want to hear 400 bagpipe players playing "Scotland the Brave."
The executioner then turned to the Englishman and said:
"Have you any final requests?"
"Yes," replied the Englishman, "shoot me first."

* * *
--------------------------------------- added after 3 minutes

Altar boy caught a priest masturbating and asked:
What are you doing father???
Priest: I am masturbating my son and soon you will be doing it too...
Boy: how comes???
Priest: my wrist is sore

I found a Justin Bieber concert ticket nailed to a tree, so I took it. You never know when you might need a nail *lix*

A police officer was patrolling the highway when he sees a guy tied up to a tree, crying. The officer stops and approaches the guy. "What's going on here?", he asks. The guy sobs, "I was driving and picked up a hitchhiker. He pulled a gun on me, robbed me, took all my money, my clothes, my car and then tied me up." The cop studied the guy for a moment, and then pulled down his pants and whipped out his dick. "I guess this isn't your lucky day, pal!"

A boss said to his secretary "I want to have sex with you I will make it very fast. I'll throw £1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I'll be done". She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said to her, "do it but ask him for £2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn't even have enough time to undressed himself". So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, "what happened?" She responds, "The bastard used pennies, I'm still picking and he's still fucking!"

A guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.

The guy behind the counter says, “Male or female?”

The customer says, “Female”

The counter guy asks, “Black or white?”

The customer says, “White”

The counter guy asks, “Christian or Muslim?”

The customer says, “What the hell does religion have to do with it?”

The counter guy says, “The Muslim one blows itself up!”

Did you hear there's going to be a new heterosexual porn film with all the action taking place in a magical flying car? Its going to be called TITTY TITTY GANG BANG

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

By turning your underpants inside out you can wear them for and extra three days.

Help conserve toilet paper. Use both sides.

What did the blind man say to the other blind man?........long time no see I tried

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

My wife is such a lousy housekeeper that every time I want to piss in the sink it's full of dirty dishes.

Q - Anyone here about the man who didn't know the difference between urine and semen?

A - He never knew if he was cuming or going!

Bloke goes into a chemist and asks where the tampons are.
The assistant directs him towards the feminine hygiene section.
Five minutes later he goes to the counter with a bag of cotton wool and a toilet roll.
The assistants asks him 'I thought you wanted tampons, to which the bloke replied
Yesterday I sent my mrs out to pick me up a pack of 20 cigs, she came back with a pouch of baccy and a packet of papers. Lets see how she likes rolling her own.

Changing standards.

only registered users can see external links

Three Friends an Italian a German and a Greek they decided to bet it's other 100 euros who is going to make their wives scream more from sex.
So they all go home to have sex with their wives so they make them scream.
The next day the meet.

The Italian says, "I made love to my wife for 2 hours and she was screaming for at least 1 1/2 hours."

The German says, "That's nothing, I start licking my wife for two hours and she was screaming the whole time and half hour after that."

The Greek says, " That's nothing, I made love to my wife for ten minutes,
I came a couple times I wiped my dick in the curtain and she still screaming.

A father and son walk into a bar and the dad says to the son. "What do you want fathead?"
The son stumbles on his words and the father again says, "What do you want fathead?"
A lady close by says, "Why do you keep calling your son fathead".
And he replies, "Well lady there are 3 things a man has to have in his life to be a successful man. Number one you got to have a big truck, see my truck over There? Biggest truck in the county. Second. You got to have a big house. See that house down up the street? That's mine, the house biggest house in the county. And thirdly you have to have a tight pussy, and I had one till this fathead came along."

A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters carry spoons in their pockets?"

The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since we had that efficiency expert out; he determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."

The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?"

The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same efficiency expert determined that we spend too much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string to pull out my penis, go, and return to work. Having never touched myself, there is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time."

Wait a minute," said the diner, "how do you get your penis back in your pants?"

"Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more pleasure during sex. After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the British study were incorrect. After three years of research at a cost of in excess of 2 million Euros, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex. When the results of the French study were released, Australia decided to conduct their own study. The Aussies didn't really trust British or French studies. So, after nearly three hours of intensive research and a cost of right around 75 dollars (three cases of beer), the Aussie study was complete. They concluded that the reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead.

There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he’d give her $50. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

The lawyer first asked, “What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?”

Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, “What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?”

Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50

The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, “What is the answer to your question?”

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.

A man asks his wife during a 25 marriage anniversary:

- Darling, have you been unfaithful to me?

- Yes, honey, three times.

- When was the first time?

- Do you remember the situation when you went to a bank, but nobody would give you any credit? And finally the CEO of the bank himself signed the credit allowance to you.

- Thanks, darling. And when was the second time?

- Do you remember when you were very ill and nobody would agree to make the surgery for you? And finally the head of the department took care of you?

- Thank you darling, you saved my life. And with whom have you been unfaithful to me for the third time?

- Do you remember when you were a candidate to the position of city mayor and you were missing 36 votes?

A washed up actor hasn't gotten a job in years. He has lost his ability to remember lines. But after looking for work for a very long time, finally he gets the lead role in a Broadway musical.

When he arrives at the theater the director tells him, "You have the most important part, but you only have one line. You walk onto stage with a rose; bring it close to your nose with your thumb, index, and middle fingers; and sniff it deeply. Then you will say, 'Oh, the smell of my lover.'"

When it comes time for him to say his line he walks onto stage and says, "Oh, the smell of my lover." With this the crowd begins to laugh hysterically and the director explodes with anger.

The actor runs off stage and asks, "Did I forget my lines?"

The director replies, "No! You forgot the flower."

Here's a joke:
only registered users can see external links

Woman living near top floor of high rise appartment building was flapping her area rug over the edge of her balcony. A gust of wind blows and pulls her right over.

She is falling to her death, and a man a few floors down saw her and caught her. She says "omg thank you so much!!" and he says "will you blow me for catching you?" She says "NO!" so he drops her.

She is falling to her death again, and a man many floors down, heard her scream before and catches her. She again profusely thanks the man and then he says "Well, then will you fuck me?". She exclaims "No of course not!" And he drops her.

She is falling, surely to her death this time, and she starts to pray when another man catches her. Right away she says "I'll suck you, I'll fuck you!!!"

He says "Slut..." and drops her.

Sarah Palin and Donald Trump-both are a joke worth not repeating

This is a good one I copied from another thread:

Man asked his wife "Why do you never tell me when you orgasm" , she said I don't like ringing you at work".

Two men visit a prostitute. The first man goes into the bedroom. He comes out ten minutes later and says, ‘Heck. My wife is better than that.’ The second man goes in. He comes out ten minutes later and says, ‘You know? Your wife IS better.’

The doc told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it," He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to play with his unit. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to the big finish, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?" He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

And god promised the men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world, then he made the earth round....and laughed and laughed and laughed
*lix*

The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that pussy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

A slighty drunk woman was watching tv and keeps yelling "dont go in there dont go into the church you stupid bitch"
Her husband asks her what are you watching? Our wedding video she responds.

I'll SHOW you a joke today:
only registered users can see external links
This gentleman is trying to get the additional benefits of a massage but the masseuse does not seem to engage.

Marriage: Betting someone half of everything that you'll love them for the rest of your life
*lix*

Did you hear there's to be a new South American film version of the musical "Grease?"

The female lead is to be played by Bolivia Newton-John

* * * * *

Two ladies met at the pearly gates and started talking.
1st woman says 'Hi! My name is Sherry'.
2nd woman says 'Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die'?
'I froze to death' says the 1st woman
'Thats horrible!' say the 2nd woman
'It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?'
'I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV'.
'So, what happened'? asked the 1st woman.
2nd woman says 'I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, & finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.'
'Well too bad you didn't look in the freezer or we'd both still be alive.'

*lix*

Recently there was a vote for the Joke of the Year at the Edinburgh Fringe 2015. This was the top10:

1: Darren Walsh: “I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It’s Hans-free.”

2: Stewart Francis: “Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse... but enough about Kanye West.”

3: Adam Hess: “Surely every car is a people carrier?”

4: Masai Graham: “What’s the difference between a ‘hippo’ and a ‘Zippo’? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.”

5: Dave Green: “If I could take just one thing to a desert island I probably wouldn’t go.”

6: Mark Nelson: “Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That’s not a miracle. That’s tapas.”

7: Tom Parry: “Red sky at night. Shepherd’s delight. Blue sky at night. Day.”

=8: Alun Cochrane: “The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves.”

=8: Simon Munnery: “Clowns divorce. Custardy battle.”

10: Grace The ****: “They’re always telling me to live my dreams. But I don’t want to be naked in an exam I haven’t revised for...”

A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back. 'The doctor said, 'It's old age.' The woman said, 'I want a second opinion. 'The doctor says, 'OK. you're ugly as well.'

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
*lix*

2 old people having oral sex, the old man says, 'l cant stay down here too long, it stinks', the old lady replies to him, 'its my arthritis'....the old man says, 'theres no such thing as arthritis in your vagina'.....'NO' says the old lady, 'its in my shoulder, l cant wipe my arse'
*lix*

Q: What do you call a cowboy with no legs?

A: A low down bum


The old ones are the best!

What do you call a vegan guy who likes to pleasure himself?
A non-dairy creamer.

Why are all lesbians vegetarian?
Because they don't eat meat.

What do you call a vegan guy who likes to pleasure himself?
A non-dairy creamer.

a blokes missus packed his bags and as he walked out the front door, she screamed....'l wish you a slow and painful death you bastard'
'oh' he replied, 'so you want me to fucking stay now'
*lix*

a friend opened a strip club called 'the G spot'
after a week he had to close it as most men couldn't find it
*lix*

l told my son that l never wanted to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle, if that ever happens, just pull the plug!!!

He got up, unplugged my computer and threw out my wine!!!

*lix*

Q: How do you make your wife scream when making love?
A: Phone her.

Q: Why do owls never make love when its raining?
A: Because its too wet to woo.

What do you call a woman with one leg?

Eileen

A man walks into a bar and sees a guy with a really big lighter. He asks the man, “Where did you get such a big lighter?”

The man replies,”See that man playing piano over there? He’s a genie and he’ll grant you one wish.”

So the guy walks over to the genie and says, “I wish for a million bucks.” All of a sudden the room fills up with a million ducks.

The man walks over to the guy with the lighter and says, “That genie is a little hard of hearing isn’t he.”

The guy replies, “No kidding! You think I asked for a 14 inch Bic!”

A boss said to his secretary I want to have SEX with you I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I'll be done. She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but "Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn't even have enough time to undressed himself." So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, what happened? She responds, "The Bastard used coins I'm still picking and he is still fucking!"

A man goes to the doctor suffering from premature ejaculation. "Can you do anything to help me, doc?" said the man. "No, but I can give you the address of a woman who has a short attention span" replied the doctor.

Bloke went to the doctor and the doctor said: "Hello, not seen you for a long while."

"No," replied the bloke, "I've been ill."

* * * * *

Cliff Accident by Eileen Dover
How To Make Money by Robin Banks
Dog's Food by Nora Bone
The Haunted House by Major Jump

What do you call two gay guys walking down the street with a pram?

A miracle.

I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted, "Oi, what's your disability?"
I said, "Tourettes! Now fuck off you cunt!"

Guy went into a fish and chip shop and said to the guy behind the counter: "can you fix this broken down alarm clock?"

Guy behind the counter replied: "is this a wind up?"

* * * * *

Did you hear there's been an outbreak of bird flu in Yorkshire? You should have done, everyone's tweeting about it.

Confucius say: Man who goes to bed with itchy butt wakes up with stinky finger

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep, but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.


She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting,


Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to kip.


A few moments later she said,Then you used to kiss me.


Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to try and kip again.


Thirty seconds later she said. Then you used to bite my Neck.


Pissed off he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.


Where are you going.the wife asked


To get my fucking teeth.

A guy goes to his local clinic about a severe rash on his balls. The nurse who examines him, says You’re going to have to stop wanking,he says Why? She says Because I’m trying to examine you..

What do you find when you go down on Halle?

Did you know 80% of all Chinese have cataracts? The other 20% drive rincons and chevrolays!

At a secretarial job interview, there was only one question.
The first girl was asked;

"If you were working here, and found out that a new client have over paid our company a hundred thousand pounds, what would you do?

The girl replied, "well I would ring them and tell them of their mistake and forward a cheque to them ASAP, this will show them that they are dealing with an honest company and will have confident in future dealings with us".
Good answer murmured the directors.

Same question to the second girl.
"Well I would straight away bank the over payment and leave it to the client to contact us, only then will I repay the amount hoping while the money in our bank would make some form of interest which is good for the company".
Good answer murmured the directors.

Same question to the third and final girl.
"Well I would consult my superior and let him/her deal with such complex situation, because he/her will have much more experience then me".
Good answer murmured the directors.

Who did the company hired?

The blond with big tits and long legs.

Life is a lot like toilet paper. You're either on a roll.....or you're taking shit from some asshole..........BONG!!

Q: What do you call a very rude bird?
A: A mockingbird!

Q: What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A: A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.

My wife is such a lousy housekeeper that every time I want to piss in the sink it's full of dirty dishes.

Q: What's the difference between a prostitute and the Eiffel Tower?


A: Not every kerb crawler has been up the Eiffel Tower


Q: What's the difference between a prostitute's legs and the Windmill Theatre?


A: Nothing, because they're both never closed


* * * *

Q: What's the difference between pussy and parsley?

A: Not everyone eats parsley.

If you think sex is a pain in the ass...you're doing it wrong. Flip over

If a bull swallowed a bomb, would it be abominable?

Ron: One time me and my buddy walked into a bar and he says


Friend: Man, the place would be better, if there wernt so many queers.


Ron: Okay, next time you have a thought, just let it go. And listen to me, when I say this. We're ALL gay. It's to what exent are you gay.


Friend: Thats bullshit, im not gay at all.


Ron: Yeah you are, and i can prove it.


Friend: Fine, prove it.


Ron: Okay, do you like porn?


Friend: Yeah I love porn you know that.


Ron: Okay, do you only watch the scenes with two women together?


Friend: No, I'll watch a man and a woman makin' love.


Ron: Okay, do you prefer the guy to have a small, half-flaccid penis?

Friend: No, I like big hard throbbin' COCKS................I did not know that about myself.

What does a blonde do with her asshole in the morning?

Pack his lunch and send him to work....

Thieves broke into Scotland Yard last night and stole all the toilets. Police say at the moment they've nothing to go on.

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

Scientific research has proven that 50% of gay and bisexual men have been so since birth......the other 50% were sucked into it.

did you hear that Ruger is making a new pistol? yea... it will be called the congressman in honor of the house of representatives and the Senate. it doesnt work and you can't fire it.....

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony
wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

After a restaurant had closed for the night, a thief broke in and stole all the salt, pepper and vinegar. Police say they are looking for a seasoned criminal

* * * *

These were posted on an Australian tourism website, and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humor (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)
________________________________________________


Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown, and then just sit around watching them die.
__________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
__________________________________________________
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles. Take lots of water.
__________________________________________________
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? ( UK )
A: What did your last slave die of?
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA)
A: Af-ri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .......
Aust-ra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not ...
Oh, forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
__________________________________________________

Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA)
A: Face south, and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ...
Oh, forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
__________________________________________________
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is ****.
__________________________________________________
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-mer-ica, which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled, and make good pets.
__________________________________________________
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
__________________________________________________
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? ( France)
A: Only at Christmas.
__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

Old woman come to the doctor with a knife stabbed in her knee. The doctor ask her what happened? She answers: " I tried to kill myself and people said that best and most secure thing to do is to stab the knife two fingers below tits"

P.s. English is not my native language so hope you will understand...

What do call a lesbian with long fat fingers ?

Well hung.....

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur ?

Ilickalotofpuss......

Girl runs home from school and says: "mummy, I've been doing cartwheels in the playground today in front of all the boys. They say I'm ever so good at it."
"Oh you silly girl," replies her mother, "don't you realise all those boys want to see are your knickers?"
"Of course, mummy," the girl replies, "I ain't stupid. That's why I took them off and put them in my bag."

* * * * *

I walked into a pet shop and asked the clerk that I would like to buy a wasp, she said we do not sell wasps then I said but you have one inside the window though

A seriously depressed woman stands at the edge of a cliff, trying to get the nerve up to jump.

A passing guy stops and says, "Since you're about to kill yourself anyway, would you mind if we had sex first?"

The woman said "Hell no... get away from me... you’re a sicko!"

The guy turned to leave and muttered

"Fine, I'll just go wait at the bottom."

Question:

What happened when the two antennas got married?

Answer:

The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was great!

I was walking down the street with an ex one night. We turned a corner and a little further down the road, we saw a group of men attacking her mother.

We stood staring for a couple of seconds, before my ex asked ''Aren't you going to help''?

''No'', I replied, ''It looks like they're managing ok''.

A man goes to the doctor:
"I want a castration"
"Are you sure?"
"Yes"
"Did you talk with your wife about that?"
"Yes, she send me here! Always going 'now go to the doctor and get your castration finally!'"

After the castration he comes home.
Wife: "Did you get your vaccination?"
"Vaccination! That was the word!!"

George Michael was out cruising the woods one night. As he dropped his trousers and bent over the fallen down branch of a tree, an absent-minded bar of chocolate found its way into his arsehole. It was a careless Whispa

Q. What food is scientifically proven to kill a woman's sex drive?

A. Wedding cake

My mate reckons he always cries after sex. Mind you.... He is in Prison.


I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money.

Last night I shagged a hooker called Penny – spooky or what

Nearly shagged a Ladyboy last night.
Picked her up in a night club. sHe Looked like a woman. Smelled like a woman. Danced like a woman.
Even kissed like a woman.
But as we arrived back at her apartment, she reversed her car into a tight parking slot in one fluid movement.
That's when I thought. “Hang about”

Here's a dumb one, but try to forget it: did you hear about the psychic midget who escaped from prison? He's a small medium at large.

I remember the first time I swore in front of my Dad. I was having sex with my girlfriend in my room, when my Dad came in.

''Get out,'' I said, ''I'm fucking my girlfriend''.

I walked into a bar the other night. Banged my head.

Did you hear there's to be a hetero operatic porn film with music by Mozart?

Its going to be called Tutte's Cozy Fanny

* * * *

Adoring fans were shocked today by a report that squeaky clean Cliff Richard had been found slumped in a chair surrounded by drugs and pills.

He'd fallen asleep in the chemist shop.

* * * *

These two old lady died and went to heaven when they got there there ran into each other the first one says how did you die and she says i froze to death the other lady said thats awful and then she said not really you get a warm feeling then you go to ****.
The first lady asked how you die she said i came home home sure of my husband cheating on me and just knew he had another woman in the house so i ran upstairs looking in all the closets and under the beds then i ran down stairs looking in the basement by time i got back up stairs i was exhausted and kild over dead of a massive heart attack.
the first woman said if you would have looked in the fridgerator we both would still be alive.

My missus kicked me out after she caught me measuring my cock.
It just reaches the back of her babysitters throat..


I was shagging this married bird over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open.
She said, It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door
Thinking back, I really should have legged it – but you don’t get offers like that every day.


The wife said to me last night. “If you turn the bedside lamp off I'll take it up the arse.
Maybe I should have waited for the bulb to cool down first

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a bench.
Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on
for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominantly White society.In fact he pointed out,some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural
and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.
After the curator left, a Yorkshire-man approached the couple and said, would you like to know what the painting is really about?
Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery? asked the couple.Because am the guy who painted it, he replied. In fact, there are no African-Americans depicted at all in this painting.
They're just three Yorkshire coal-miners. The guy in the middle just went home for lunch.

A ventriloquist sets his puppet down and begins his act by making it speak jokes about blonde bimbos. After five minutes, a blonde bimbo in the audience stands up and yells out: "What's the matter with you? All these so-called jokes about ladies just because of the colour of their hair. Don't you realise how offensive it is?"
Mortified, the ventriloquist starts to apologise profusely but again the blonde bimbo interrupts him. "Not you, dickhead," she shouts, "I'm talking to that bloke sitting on your lap."

* * * * *

If men think with their dicks? Then I want someone to blow my mind...

A man walks into a butchers shop orders some bacon then says "Where's your assistant?"
The butcher replies "I sacked him"
The man says "Sacked him ,why?"
The butcher replies "He kept sticking his dick in the bacon slicer!"
The man, shocked says "So wheres your bacon slicer??"
The butcher says "I fuckin' sacked her as well!!"

What’s the difference between a G-Spot and a bottle of Jack Daniels?


guy's will actually SEARCH for a bottle of Jack Daniels.

I once had One2One with a Virgin, she teased me till I had an Erikson, sucked me til my face went Orange, til I busted my Siemen all over her Nokias!

There once was a frog named Kermit Jagger.
One day he decided he wanted to buy a big new boat; so he went to his bank to get a loan for the boat. He took, for collateral for the loan, a very tiny miniature piano.

At the bank he went to the chief loan officer, Mr. Paddywhack, told him about his loan request, and showed him his 'collateral'.

Mr. Paddywhack was not sure what to do, so he went to the bank manager, to ask what to do, and to ask him what that 'collateral' item really is.
The bank manager replied:

"It's a knickknack, Paddywhack,
and give the Frog a loan;
his old man's a Rolling Stone."

What did the leper say to the hooker?? Keep the tip....

A Jew, a Christian, and a Muslim walk into a bar.
Bar tender takes one look at the three of them. The bartender then says "
what the hell is this some sort of joke?"

Enid Finglemaster was a REALLY UGLY ****. She used to ask all the boys in the playground: "give me a kiss or a fiver." By the time she was 12, she'd bought her own house.


* * * *


(Another of the late great Les Dawson's)


--------------------------------------- added after 21 seconds


* * * * C H I L D - for crying out loud again
--------------------------------------- added after 2 minutes

Using the same criteria, shouldn't the word "boys" be blanked out too?

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to ****. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

What's the difference between an egg and a wank? You can beat an egg but you can't beat a wank.

Q: You know what's fun about being sober? A:Nothing!

I'm not an alcoholic. Alcoholics need a drink, but I already have one.


A dyslexic guy walks into a bra!

Q: What is the definition of Confidence?

A: When your wife catches you in bed with another woman and you slap her on the ass and say, "You're next Baby... !"

Why do dogs lick their balls?

Because they can!

"Son, I want to talk to you about the facts of life."


"OK, dad, what is it you want to know?"


* * * *


"Mummy, I don't like daddy's guts."


"That's all right, son, leave 'em on the side of the plate."


* * * *

What do you call the Three degrees after an orgasm ??

Wet,Wet,Wet....

My wife never stops nagging. The other day, we went for a tandem bike ride but after ten miles I thought I'd gone deaf. Then I looked round and the wife was nowhere to be seen, she'd fallen off several miles back.

(One of the late great Les Dawson's)

* * * *

Jane is called to the hospital to visit her terminally ill husband Jon for the last time. Jane he says , 'I have been told I wont make it through the night so this is the last time we will see one another'. 'Is there anything special I can do for you John ?' she asks . 'Well yes , I would like to make love to you for one last time' says John. So Jane slips into the bed and they get to it . John lies there drifting in and out of conciousness while Jane looks over him . Around 2 am he rallies and says 'I really feel like it again darling , how about it ?' . So once more they are at it , hammer & tongs . At 4 am John comes round once more and asks again . 'No John' says Jane , 'I am tired , its alright for you , you havent got to get up in the morning.'

How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Fridge Freezer

I rear ended a car this morning...


I could tell it was going to be a REALLY bad day!


The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!


He looked up at me and said "I am NOT Happy!"


So I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?"


That's how the fight started...

Just in case you ever got these two mixed up, This should make things a bit more clear....

IN PRISON you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell. AT WORK you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON you get three meals a day. AT WORK you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.

IN PRISON you get time off for good behavior. AT WORK you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT WORK you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON you can watch TV and play games. AT WORK you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON you get your own toilet. AT WORK you have to share with some idiot who pees on the toilet.

IN PRISON they allow your family and friends to visit. AT WORK you can't speak to your family.

IN PRISON all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required. AT WORK you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out. AT WORK you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON you must deal with sadistic wardens. AT WORK they are called managers

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The **** seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

An Englishman,Irishman and a Scot walk into the bar...

The bartender says "Is this a joke ?"

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette and continues smoking.

Lady 1: What's that?

Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Lady 1: Where did you get that?

Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.

Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a camel.

The pharmacist faints.

It's a Mail Carrier's last day of service before his retirement. He walks down the street, delivering mail doorstep to doorstep as he has done everyday for the last 20 years. Approaching one house, the mailman sees a note taped to the front door that simply reads, "Mailman, please come inside".

Hesitantly, the mailman enters the house. "Hello" he says, "is anyone home?" A woman appears out of a bedroom door at the end of the hall. She's a beautiful, middle aged woman dressed in a sexy black silk teddy. Without saying a word, the woman motions for the mailman to come to the bedroom. The mailman, very confused but certainly excited, follows the woman through the door.

The woman proceeds to undress the mailman slowly, and make love to him. When the mailman is completely exhausted, the woman leads him to the kitchen, hands him a crisp one-dollar bill and begins to cook him a delicious breakfast with all the trimmings.

Still having not exchanged a single word between them, the mailman's curiosity and confusion get the best of him and he breaks the silence...

"Ma'am, I have to say, that was perhaps the best sex I've had in my entire life. And although I am eternally grateful to you for that, I must ask you...'What was that all about?"

The woman replies "Well, you've been delivering our mail everyday for some time now and I knew that today was your last day before retirement. As my husband was leaving for work this morning, I told him that I'd like to do something special for you and asked him what he thought that should be. Without hesitation, my husband said... 'Screw him! Give him a dollar.'"

The woman paused and then said...

"Breakfast was MY idea!"

Did you hear about the goldfish who looked like Hitler?
He only had one bowl.

* * * *

So I walked into this bar and five minutes later the EMTs showed up. They had to send 15 people to the hospital for stitches in their head. They asked me what happened and told them I just walked in and announced that I don't like the taste of cum. That's when they fell off their stools and hit their heads on the floor. The EMT asked what was so funny about that. I don't know, I've been giving them all blow jobs for a year now.

Have you heard the new nickname for the iphone ?

It is called the 'clit',because every cunt has to have one..

A blonde bimbo went out fishing and came home with her catch. Later that evening, her boyfriend got home from work and snuggled up to her on the sofa.
"How about a bit of hanky panky, then?" asked the boyfriend.
"Not tonight," replied the blonde bimbo, "I've got a haddock."

* * * *

An elderly hard-of-hearing blonde bimbo was sitting at home when the doorbell rang. She pressed the intercom and asked in a querulous voice: "Yes, who is it?"
"Its the pizza sellers," came the reply.
"Ooh," replied the elderly hard-of-hearing blonde bimbo as she opened the door, "I thought you were ever so good in those Pink Panther films."

* * * *

Johnny is sitting outside the door where a prostitute lives. Suddenly a man comes out. “Hey, I know you!” Johnny says. The man quickly gives him $20 to shut up and gets on his way. Later that day Johnny's mum asks him where he got the money from and Johnny tells her what happened. “Johnny!” his mum says, “That's blackmail. Go to church and make a confession.” So Johnny goes to the church and enters the confession booth. The little curtain opens up and Johnny says: “Now I also know where you work.”

***

In the garden of a rectory there is a big apple tree. The priest is very proud of the nice tree and every year it is loaded with apples. But also every year, just as he wants to go harvest the fruits, all the apples get stolen. Then the priest is fat up with it and thinks: “Not this year!” So he plants a sign under the full tree: 'God sees all'. When he opens the curtains the next morning all the apples are gone and on the sign it reads: '...but he'll never tell.'

***

In a small church, during service, the people see several mice run over the altar.
- “Father, there are mice over there.”
- “I know. I've tried everything to get rid of them, but nothing works.”
An old lady raises her hand and says: “You should baptize them.”
- “Baptize? Does that work?”
- “Well, I've got 6 c-h-i-l-d-r-e-n, all baptized and they never go to church anymore.”

I was walking down the road with my friend when we saw a dog licking it's balls. My friend turned to me saying "I wish I could do that". "I'd pet him first, he looks vicious" I replied

I was walking down the street with my wife and we saw six men beating up my mother in law. The wife asks "Are you going to help?" and I reply "Six should be enough."

Dirty Joke : "A white horse , fell in the Mud" !

Clean Joke : "The Muddy Horse got Washed off , after falling into the mud" !

I'm taking the mother-in-law for a walk across the Pennines on Christmas Day. The search parties have got the day off.

* * * *

I went to the doctor and said: "doctor, can you give me something for wind?"
He gave me a kite.

* * * *

I got home the other night to find my wife crying her eyes out. I said: "what's the matter?"
"I'm homesick," she replied.
I said: "this IS your home."
"I know," she replied, "I'm sick of it."

* * * *
--------------------------------------- added after 4 minutes

My wife was looking at an advert for the world's most expensive fur coat. She said: "I've gotta have that."
So I cut the advert out and gave it to her.

* * * *

I miss the old days, when your sitting on the bus or train and you see an unattended bag and think, "i'll fucking have that!"

How many women with PMT does it take to change a light bulb.

A. three.

Why three???

BECAUSE IT JUST DOES THAT'S WHY!!!!!!

A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a **** and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him. "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."

"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago."

"And what about the third rose?" she asked.

"That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."

David Cameron sneered down his Tory toffee-nose at a tramp and asked haughtily: "and what do you do for a living?"
"Absolutely nothing," replied the tramp.
"Ooh," replied Cameron, "what a coincidence."

* * * * *

What kind of shoes do Ninja's where?

A. Sneakers

I posted this above. But anyway, here it is again:

A guy walks into a diner and reads the menu
Cheese sandwich: $2.89
Chicken sandwich: $3.99
Handjob: $19.99
He walks up to the counter and asks the exceptionally attractive girl:
"I was wondering, are you the one who delivers the handjobs?"
"Yes darling, that's me."
The man replies "Well, wash your hands first, and give me a chicken sandwich please!"

Julian and Bruce had been a couple for many years and were deeply in love. But sadly, following a brief illness, Bruce passed away. Viewing Bruce's body for the last time in hospital the doctor asked Julian if he had any last request.
Yes, I do actually said Julian,I would like you to chop Bruce into little bits so that I can take him home and make him into a spicy curry.
The doctor is appalled by what he said.& asked why on earth would you want to do that he asked.
Julian replied I just want to feel him dribbling out of my arse one last time,

Jonathan Ross has been arrested for stealing a kitchen utensil. When questioned by police, he said: "it was a wisk worth taking."

"what's black and white and eats like a horse?"


"A zebra!"

Boys are like purses: cute, full of crap and easily replaced.

Girls are like condoms: too much time in your wallet and not enough time on your dick.

A hard-of-hearing blonde bimbo baked a pie and cut it into three separate pieces. She took one piece to Scunthorpe, another to Grimsby and the third to Barnsley. When asked by a friend why she had done this, the hard-of-hearing blonde bimbo replied: "my maths teacher told me I had to take pi to the nearest three dismal places."


* * * *

I'm through with sex....I broke up with my hand

Went in to my local pharmacy because they were advertising free condoms. Unfortunately when I got there they'd run out, apparently they were giving them away on a first 'cum' first served basis......

There was a young girl from Pratts Bottom *

Who didn't want kids but she'd got 'em

They drove her quite mad

'til one day feeling bad

She took out a gun and then shot 'em.


* For those of you not in the UK, that REALLY is a place in the County of Kent, south-east of London

A wife buys some crotch-less undies to spice up her love life. She puts them on and shows her hubby she says " you want some of this?"

"Fuck no!" says the hubby "Look what its done to your undies."

Q: If you had a donkey and I had a rooster and your donkey ate my rooster, what would you have?

A: 2 feet of my cock in your ass!

A dozen priest,are killed in an accident & arrive at the Pearly Gates.
St Peter says If any of you are Peadophile, go straight to hell,eleven off them started walking away.
St Peter shouts & Take the deaf cunt with you,

Before being ordained six priests had to stand nude with a bell to their cocks. And if anyone bell rang had no spiritual purity.A naked girl with big tits danced before each one.The first one showed no reaction,she went down the line with no response from them till she reached the last priest Ralph.Poor Ralph,while she danced he got a stiffy and his bell rang and flew off across the room.Embarrassed he ran and bent over to pick it up,then all the fucking bells rang

King Arthur and Guinevere were sitting by the fireside at Camelot one evening when Arthur said: "Sweetheart, I have to go away for a week on business tomorrow. So that's their no hanky panky between you and my knights while I'm away, I've devised a special guillotine-style chastity belt for you to wear. Anyone of them tries to molest you, they'll pay the price and get castrated."
"Oh, OK sweetheart," replied Guinevere, "whatever you say."
The next morning, with the chastity belt firmly in place around Guinevere's cunt, King Arthur went off on business. A week later, he returned and ordered all his knights to line up and drop their pants.
Arthur went along the line and everyone had been castrated - with the exception of Sir Lancelot.
"Lance," said Arthur, "I'm proud of you. You're the only one of my knights who hasn't tried to molest my wife while I've been away. In recognition of that, I'm going to give you five thousand pounds and a plot of land. What do you have to say about that?"
"Gagagagagagaga" replied Sir Lancelot.

* * * * *

This one is from a few years ago:-

Tony Blair went for a piss in the House of Commons loo and bumped into two junior MPs wanking each other off. Tony wasn't into men but he couldn't help but notice how big their dicks were.
Forgetting all about having to piss, Tony ran back down the corridor shouting: "I've found them, I've found them."
He was still whooping with delight as he passed Gordon Brown's office. Gordon stuck his head out the door and said: "Fucking hell, Tony, what's all the row about?"
"Oh Gordon," replied Tony, "I've found them, I've found them."
"Found what, for fuck sake?" asked Gordon.
"The weapons of masturbation," replied Tony.

* * * * *

Q: What's better than roses on a piano bench?
A: Tulips(two lips)on an organ.

A sex maniac sent a cheque in the post to a sex shop in Holland for an item he saw advertised on the shop's website. Unfortunately, the postman didn't read the address properly and delivered it to the house next door.

The neighbour was too curious to take it round next door, especially when he saw the parcel was from Holland. So he opened it and inside was a plastic pussy.

"Ooh look," he said, holding it up in his hands, "two lips from Amsterdam."

* * * * *

A old guy goes into a clock repair shop, and the young female assistant says can i help you sir
so he takes out his old fella and slaps it on the counter.
She says, am sorry sir,but this is a clock shop.
he says yes i no, i want you to put two hands and a face on this please..

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.
The girl has been watching him and says,You must be a dentist.
The guy, surprised & says Yes How did you figure that out?
Easy, she said you keep washing your hands.
then one thing led to another and they make love.
After they have done, the girl says,You must be a good dentist tho
The guy, now with a boosted ego says,Sure, am a good dentist, How did you figure that out?
she said i didn't feel a thing

There was a young man named Reg
Who went with a girl in a hedge
When along came his wife
With a bloody big knife
And cut off his meat and two veg.

* * * *

There was a young girl from Prestatyn
Who decided she'd like to learn latin
On her way to the class
She slipped on her arse
And swore when she saw what she'd sat in.

* * * *

There was a young girl named Matilda
Who had an affair with a builder
While getting their kicks
She knocked over his bricks
So he fucked her so hard he near killed her.

* * * *

There was a young man named Maurice
And another young man named Boris
One day they arranged
To have their sex changed
And now they're called Ethel and Doris

* * * *

There was a young man named Adam
Who didn't want balls but he had 'em
So he went for an op
Where they gave him the chop
And now all his friends call him madam.

* * * *

Paddys wife came home from work, all her sex toys are nailed to the wall in a line.
She screams You dozy Irish twat,I said I wanted a dado rail..

A girl asks her doctor how many calories there are in sperm?
Doctor says "Believe me love, if you swallow, no one cares how fat you are.

I always find a good wank is spoilt when I am watching a woman masturbate on Pornhub and then a man arrives with his big cock out and joins in.
Fuck off, Dad, and watch your own porn I said

Q: What's the cheapest meat?
A: Deer balls, they're under a buck!

Q: What's the difference between your paycheck and your wife?
A: You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked and Playing with himself in front of a tractor
Mick says,Jaysus Paddy, what're ye doin
Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been gettin' on in the bedroom lately & the Therapist recommended Oi do something sexy to attracter

Phone rings, woman answers.
The pervert, with heavy breathing, says,Have you got a tight
unshaven c--t
The woman replies,Yes, he,s watching telly,who shall I say is calling

Men are like vacuum cleaners. Their not very fun but at least you can push them around.

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?". The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?". The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?". The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?".

Q: What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?
A: 100 people who don't do dick!

Bloke went to the doctor and said: "Doctor, doctor, you've gotta help me, I've got a strawberry stuck up my arse."

"Oh, don't worry," the doctor replied, "put a bit of cream on it."

* * * *

Bloke went to the doctor and said: "Doctor, doctor, you've gotta help me, I think I've got Tom Jones Syndrome. I can't seem to stop singing The Green Green Grass of Home."

"Oh, don't worry," the doctor replied, "it's not unusual."

* * * *
--------------------------------------- added after 83 seconds

George Michael was out cruising in the woods, bent over a tree with his pants round his ankles when an absent-minded bar of chocolate found its way into his arse. It was a careless whispa.

* * * *

A man was walking his dog through the graveyard when he saw another man crouching behind a gravestone.

"Morning!" he said.

The other man replies, "No, just having a shit."

Q: What do you get when Barbra Streisand and Barry Manilow stand back to back?

A: A pick-axe

* * * *

this whole page is hilarious

4 nuns in line to go to heaven and St. Peter asks the first nun what sin has she committed. she replies, "this hand has taken a mans penis." St. Peter says, Wash that hand in the holy water and you may enter heaven. He asked the 2nd nun the same question and she replied, both hands had taken a mans penis. St peter tells her to wash both hands in the holy water and enter into heaven. St. Peter turns to find that the 4th nun is trying to get in front of the 3rd nun and the two nuns are fighting. Startled, St. Peter asks, "ladies why are you fighting?" and the 4th nun replies, "I want to wash out my mouth in the holy water before she sticks her ass in there!"

A bloke winds up in hospital beaten to a pulp.
What the hell happened to you, his mate asks on a visit to the hospital.
You wouldn't believe my bad luck mate he gasps,I walked into the local pub and some dirty bastard's dog had shit right in the doorway,
That's no good mate, slipping in dog shit and busting yourself up
No that's not the worst of it mate,
Why what happened?
Well, I've picked myself up, went to the bar, and rubbing my sore back ordered a beer. You wouldn't believe what happened next.I don't know mate, what?
Well in through the door walks a nine foot Hell's Angel biker.Don't tell me the f.ker picked a fight with you mate
No, He walked into the pub and slipped arse over tit on that same slippery dog shit I did,
So he fell over knocked you off your stool,
Nah mate, I laughed and pointed at him and said- I just did that...

I went to a disco last night.They played the twist,so I did the twist
then they played Jump.so I jumped.
then they played Come on Eileen, I got kicked out for that one.

Two nuns sat at traffic lights in their car when a car load of young lads pulls up along side.
Oi, get your tits out penguins, shouts one of the lads.
The Mother Superior turns to **** Imaculada, "I don't think they know who we are, show them your cross,
So **** Imaculada winds down her window and shouts, "Fuck off you little wankers, before I rip your bollocks off,

One time I was engaged to a lovely young girl we where about to get married but then she decided my penis was to big so we had to break it off

What is the best thing to come out of a penis? The wrinkles

A friend of mine was invited to an S & M party. He asked the host: "shall I bring some drink with me?"

"Don't bother," the host replied, "we'll be having a whip-round."


* * * *


John and his wife Dawn were crazy about sex. One night they were so horny, they were still at it at 6 o'clock in the morning. Just as Dawn was getting into position for John to lick her ass, their lodger Pete walked in after a night on the town.

"Oh sorry, John," said Pete, "didn't expect to see you up at the crack of dawn."


* * * *


A vicar was walking through a red light district when he heard a bloke ask a lady of the night: "how much for a blowjob?"

"Twenty quid," the bloke replied.

The vicar walked on and a few yards later he heard another bloke ask another lady of the night the same question and get exactly the same answer.

Somewhat mystified, as he didn't know what a blowjob was, the vicar decided to stop off at the abbey on the way home and have a word with his friend, the Reverend Mother.

"Reverend Mother, may I ask a question?"

"Of course."

"What's a blowjob?"

"Twenty quid," the Reverend Mother replied, "same as it is in town."


* * * *


A blonde bimbo was driving down the motorway doing her knitting at the same time. A cops patrol car caught up and as it overtook, the officer in the passenger seat wound down his window and shouted: "pullover."

"No," shouted back the blonde bimbo, "it's a scarf."


* * * *

This is not a joke, just a silly message I received from a fun guy. He said he almost engaged in a three some last night, sadly he was two people short. Poor guy!