A Frank Sinatra impersonator has had to cancel all his engagements for the foreseeable future. He's just been diagnosed with croonervirus.

What do frogs have for lunch? An order of Flies and a Diet Crook.

--------------------------------------- added after 34 seconds

Thanks to Jseagull0403

These are not original:

Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench when a flasher jumped out at them. Two of the ladies had a stroke, the third couldn't reach.

I got my sneakers from a drug dealer. I don't know what they are laced with, but I've been tripping all day...

I may have to move. Every morning my 90 year old neighbour knocks on my door and asks, “Have you seen my wife?”
It’s kind of annoying, sometimes I’m still in bed when he knocks.
However, the smile on his face is so gratifying when I tell him, “Your wife passed away 20 years ago!”

What kind of band does not play music ? A band of Criminal's.

Whats the difference between a crack dealer and a crack hoer. the crack hoer can wash her crack

From my shits and giggles blog,//// THE CANDY BAR JOKE 😄😄😄 One day MR.Goodbar wanted a Bit-of-Honey so he took MS.Hershey behind the Power House on 5th Avenue were he began to fill her Mounds which were Almond Joy.She let out a Snicker as his Big Hunk slid up here Milky Way.The results were a Baby Ruth.

Lake sign, “Frog parking only. All others will be toad!”

Orange don was defeated by election
Then invited a failed insurrection

Then Melania grinned
Said I wont sleep with him

Cuz hes got a tiny limp erection !

I like to show off my anatomy
Without any ounce of fat on me,
But don't tell my mum
That I have a big bum,
Beware if you ever do rat on me.

* * * *

I just made that up.

Bloke went to a restaurant and the waitress said: "we've got whalemeat curry, whalemeat stew, whalemeat fry up and a Vera Lynn."
"What's a Vera Lynn?" asked the bloke.
"Whalemeat again," replied the waitress.

A man bumps into a friend in the pub and tells him, “You don't believe it, I have a nympho waiting in my car in the parking lot. Only she demolishes me, I am exhausted. I have to catch my breath. Can't you go to the car and keep her busy for a while? The interior lighting is broken, so she will not notice that you are not me.” His friend agrees and walks to the car. He gets in and they immediately start to fuck in the backseat. A few minutes later, a policeman sees them going at it and starts tapping the window annoyingly and shining his flashlight in. “What are we doing here?” Asks the officer. "Nothing to worry about, officer, it's my wife." "Oh sorry, I didn't know sir." "It's okay, neither did I, until you shined in with your flashlight."

How do you recycle a condom?
Turn it inside out and shake the fuck out of it.

A grenade tossed into a kitchen in France, would result in a condition known as Linolium Blownapart!

An angel asked God what he was doing. "Making Canadians" he said.

"Ah, they're so nice" said the angel.

"Oh yeah, watch this" God said as he dropped a hockey puck.

A rubber-band pistol was seized from an algebra classroom because it was a weapon of math disruption.

A young associate was romantically ambushed in a darkened room of the law firm. After months of the social isolation that comes from eighty hour work weeks, the associate was happy to reciprocate. However, when asked by a friend to identify the lover, the associate was puzzled.
"All I know for sure is that it was a partner -- I had to do all the work."

I asked the wife, “Shall we switch positions tonight?”
She replied, “That’s a great idea. You stand by the ironing board and I’ll lie on the sofa and fart!”

A man received an invitation to a polka party.
The host said to dress accordianly.

A man goes into a grocery store and buys an apple, a banana and two eggs. The female cashier says "you must be single".

The man answers "Wow, how did you know that?"

Cashier: "Because you're ugly".

A man received the following text from his neighbor:
“I am so sorry Charlie. I’ve been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you’re not around. In fact, more than you. I’m not getting any at home, but that’s no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won’t happen again.”
The man, anguished and betrayed, immediately went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text came in: “Damn auto-correct. I meant ‘Wi-Fi’ not ‘wife’.”

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.
The police are looking into it
--------------------------------------- added after 5 hours

She was only a whiskey maker but, I luv’d her still.
--------------------------------------- added after 7 hours

No matter how hard you push an envelope, it will still be stationery 😄😄

What did ET's mum say to him when he got home?
"Where on earth have you been?"

* * * *

I couldn't remember how to throw a boomerang. But it eventually came back to me.

* * * *

What do you call 6 weeks of rain in Scotland?#
Summer.

* * * *

A horse is recovering after an operation. The vet says its in a stable condition.

* * * *

Did you hear about the archaeologist who got the sack?
His career lies in ruins.

* * * *

I found an old newspaper the other day with a report that Madonna tore her expensive new dress when she fell down some stairs at a Brit Awards ceremony. She blames the material girl.

* * * *

What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.

* * * *

How do horse enjoy summertime?
They make neigh while the sun shines.

* * * *

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A stick.

* * * *

What do you call a line of men waiting for a haircut?
A barber queue.

* * * *

I met my wife at a Singles Bar. Strange, as I thought she was at home looking after the kids.

* * * *

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence; then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?

Just left Walmart where a lady with a basket full of TP asked me what kind of dog I had. I said a service dog. Very rudely she yells what type of service? I said he is a BLD. What's a BLD? She asked as she is allowing my dog to lick her face. With a straight face I said "He is my butt licking dog ( BLD ). I can't find any toilet paper anywhere because of people like you hoarding the TP so he licks my ass clean...... The cashier lost it and walked away from the register.

what did the blind man say to the other blind man?...........long time no see lmao

How much coke can Charlie Sheen do?

Enough to kill 2 1/2 men.

FIRST TIME SEX
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.
"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious..'
The boy turns, and whispers back,
'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'

You know "that look" that women get when they want sex? Me neither.

-Steve Martin

I used to tell a great joke about Orpheus and Eurydice. Looking back, not a great idea!

Little Johnny gets caught playing doctor with the neighbour girl.
Dad doesn’t approve thinking Johnny is on track to knock up a young teen in a few years.
“Johnny, you know that girls have teeth down there?
“What, are you lying?”
“Nope, you need to keep clear of that business son”

Years later in high school Johnny starts dating a girl but after some time she starts wondering why Johnny hasn’t tried to take things to the next level.
“Johnny, are you attracted to me? We’ve been together for months and you haven’t tried sleeping with me yet. Is something wrong?”
Johnny replies, “When I was younger, my dad told me that girls have teeth, you know, down there.

“That’s silly”, she says, “let me show you”. So she starts to strip from the waist down, lies back and spreads her legs. “See! No teeth!”

Johnny looking horrified says “ Well no wonder! Look at the state of your gums!!!”

I think my neighbour is spying on me,

When I was looking across the street through the gap in his curtains last night from my balcony with my huge night-vision telescope, I had the feeling that my name was on his computer screen but I´m not sure

A Man is buying one banana, two bread rolls and a small bottle of milk in the supermarket.
The cashier says: You´re single aren´t you
Him: Wow, how did you know?
Cashier: Because you´re very ugly

I´ve been diagnosed with Cheddar Cheese Illness. But so far, it´s mild

Did you know there were gay bars in the wild west?

Well, the bar doors swun both ways!

A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.

She was thrilled at the speed.

"If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked.

"Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend.

And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.

Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over.

The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.

"Go and get help!" he cried.

"But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"

"Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself."

Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station.

Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!"

The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's in too far."

I've just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.

A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
Nurse,he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and
pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very,
very, closely
Are my test results back

From Phart:

A unofficial research study has concluded that a woman can be satisfied by only 3.25 inches. Yep,you read that right, 3.25 inches.
Don't beleive me, measure your credit cards length before you hand it to her.

What's the difference between an ugly woman and a beautiful one?
Two stiff drinks.

What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?


One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.

What's better than eating a mandarin.?
Eating Amanda out

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to the counter, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best sex in town!" Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-eeeeet!" Again, the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!" Finally, the guy interrupts. "Go home, dad, you're drunk.

What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom? One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.

A little boy and his friends are being called bastards and bitches by bullies at school. The boy goes home and asks, "Dad, what are bastards and bitches?" And his dad replies, "Bitches are ladies and bastards are gentlemen." Then the boy goes upstairs to see his mom. As he enters the room, he accidentally drops a perfume bottle, and his mom says, "Shit!" "Mom, what is shit?" and she says, "Perfume." So he goes to see his dad (who is carving a chicken), and his dad cuts himself and yells, "Fuck!" The boy asks, "Dad, what does fuck mean?" and dad says "preparing." Then he follows his dad upstairs. A few minutes later his mom and dad are about to have sex when his dad says, "Where are the condoms?" The little boy asks, "What are condoms?" and his father says, "Condoms are coats and jackets." The following night his father invites over some important business clients. The boy opens the door for them and says, "Hello! Please come in, Bastards and bitches. Hang your condoms up here, my mom is upstairs rubbing shit on her face and my dad is downstairs fucking the chicken.

Mom: Remember the rule: if a boy touches your boobs say "don't" and if he touches your pussy say "stop".

Girl: Yes mom, I never forget, I'm doing that. He touched both so I said "don't stop" 

An elderly couple are in church. The wife leans over and whispers to her husband, "I just let out a long, silent fart. What should I do?" The husband replies, "First off, replace the batteries in your hearing aid!"

A man saw a lady with big breasts. He asked, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?" She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner. She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes." Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?" He replies, "No, it's too expensive."

A bimbo was on a coach tour of Scotland and just north of Edinburgh, the courier pointed out the world-famous Forth Bridge.
"Very nice," said the bimbo, "but where's the First, Second and Third?"

***

Father Christmas climbed out the chimney and saw two gay men in the nude having sex. One was bent over while the other was holding on to the first guy's ass, steadying him into position.
Seeing this, Father Christmas exclaimed: "Ha! Bum Hug."

***

Hypnotist goes to an old folks home , where theres about 150 residents in the room . He says I'm not your average magician , Most bring 1 or 2 or maybe 5 people out of the audience, me I'm gonna hypnotize all of you at the same time . There was laughter and skepticism. The man pulls out an antique gold pocket watch and slowly swings it back and forth and says you’re getting sleepy , you’re eyes are getting heavy, you’re getting sleepy . He drops the gold pocket watch on the floor and it breaks into 1000 pieces . He says oh crap ! Took them 3 days to clean and air out the room . 😂 if you like the joke let me know .

A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, "Anything you say can and will be held against you." The man replies, "Boobs!"

once l farted in an elevator,
it was wrong on so many levels
*lix*

l once met a girl with 12 nipples
sounds funny......dozen tit *lix*

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
3. He who laughs last, thinks the slowest.
4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
8. The 50-50-90 rule: Any time you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone from Britain would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
14. God gave you toes as devices for finding furniture in the dark.
15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people, who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Traffic warning: a large hole has opened up in the middle of the road.

Experts are looking into it

I asked the librarian if the library had any books on paranoia. She whispered "They're right behind you".

The police came by my house and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bikes. My dogs don't even own bikes!

She danced like nobody was watching but people were watching and she looked like bees were attacking her.

A cold seat in a public restroom is unpleasant. A warm one is much more unpleasant.

Two blondes walk into a building. You'd think that one of them would have seen it.

Catholic priests would go into the confesional and they would be asked, "Father, have you sinned?" And they would answer, "Nun yesterday, nun today."

Catholic priest had to abstain from eating red meat on Fridays, so, they had Nun

This had me on the floor... Enjoy!

only registered users can see external links

I used to be addicted to punching nuns in the stomach but lately I've been trying to kick the habit.

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

Man to his priest: “Yesterday I sinned with an 18 year old girl.”
The priest: “Squeeze 18 lemons and drink the juice all at once.”
Man: “And that frees me from my sin?”
Priest: “No, but it frees your face from that dirty grin.”

A hard-of-hearing student went home from school and baked a pie. She cut it in half and took one half to a shop in Scunthorpe and the other half to a shop in Grimsby. When asked by the shop owners why, the student replied: "My maths teacher said I had to take pie to the nearest two dismal places."

'I've had bad luck with both my wives
The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'
-James Holt McGavra

You know what I did before I married?
Anything I wanted to.
-Anonymous

My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
Then we met.
-Henny Youngman

First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy : 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
-Anonymous

After the honeymoon, Tom was welding some stuff in the garage for fun.

His new wife was standing there by the bench watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally said: "Honey, I've just

been thinking; now that we are married, maybe you don't need to spend

so much of your time out here in your garage and could consider

selling some of your machinery and stuff ... like your gun collection,

fishing gear, boat, and lose all those stupid model airplanes. And

sell that vintage hot rod sports car, and dump that home brewing kit"

Tom got a horrified look on his face and silently stared at her.

She said, "Darling, what's wrong?"

He replied, "Nothing, really... but for a minute there, you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."

"Ex-wife?!" she screamed, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!"

Tom replied, “I wasn’t...

Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money."
Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Jack took the money.

Madonna fell down some stairs at the Brit Awards recently because her dress was too tight. She blames the Material Girl.

Steven Wright:

I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.”

His mind sees things differently than most of us do.
Here are some of his gems:
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend . . . but she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

My dog keeps chasing People on a bicycle. So i´ve decided to lock up his bicycle.

Ever heard the saying:

Either you have a cucumber in your Hand

Or someone else has it up your arse

CALLER:

Is this Gordon's Pizza?

GOOGLE:
No sir, it's Google Pizza.

CALLER:
I must have dialled a wrong number. Sorry.

GOOGLE:
No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.

CALLER:
OK. I would like to order a pizza.

GOOGLE:
Do you want your usual, sir?

CALLER:

My usual? You know me?

GOOGLE:

According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called
you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage,
pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.

CALLER:
OK! That’s what I want …

GOOGLE:

May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula,
sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?

CALLER:
What? I detest vegetable!.

GOOGLE:
Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

CALLER:
How the hell do you know!

GOOGLE:

Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical
records. We have the result of your **** tests for the last 7 years.

CALLER:

Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take
medication for my cholesterol.

GOOGLE: Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication
regularly. According to our database, you only purchased a box of 30
cholesterol tablets once, at **** RX Network, 4 months ago.

CALLER:
I bought more from another drugstore.

GOOGLE:
That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.

CALLER:
I paid in cash.

GOOGLE:
But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.

CALLER:
I have other sources of cash.

GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought
them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.

CALLER:
WHAT THE HELL!!!

GOOGLE:
I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention
of helping you.

CALLER:

Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter,
WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without internet,
cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me
or spy on me.

GOOGLE:
I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It
expired 6 weeks ago…

Doctor: “I’ve found a great new drug that can help you with your sleeping problem.”
Patient: “Great, how often do I have to take it?”
Doctor: “Every two hours.”

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counselling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a
tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.

On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet
needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife
to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up
and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"

"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

Hey,

A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2019 Super Bowl, both box seats. He paid $2,500 each but he didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place...It's at Holy Cross Church, on Lake Ave at 3pm. The bride's name is Nicole, she's 5'4", about 115 lbs, good cook too.....She'll be the one in the white dress.

IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

Did you hear about the prostitute that turned poet? She went from bed to verse.

why do people love to eat refined beans so much?

Because they love to take bubble baths.

Boyfriend vs Husband: Computer Tech Support...

The young woman who submitted the tech support message below (about her relationship to her husband), presumably did it as a joke. Then she got a reply that was way too good to keep to herself. The tech support people's love advice was hilarious and genius!

Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as: NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed, Desperate

The response came weeks later.

Dear Desperate,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command I Thought You Loved Me.html, and try to download Tears 6.2. Do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
However, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.
Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta version. Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0 as it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources. In addition, please do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0.
Good Luck!

Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope. - George Burns

BLONDE  IN ALABAMA CHURCH...


An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.

This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this.

Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood?

Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again, all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew.

Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.

I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.

♦ When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

♦ Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

♦ America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.

♦ You know that tingly little feeling you get when you love someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.

♦ Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

♦ My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

♦ I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

♦ Money talks... all mine ever says is good-bye.

♦ You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.

♦ If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

♦ I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a D-cup bra and say, "Here, fill this out?"

♦ My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.

♦ My 65 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I'm worried about the 175 pounds I've gained since then.

♦ Denny's has a slogan, "If it's your birthday, the meal is on us." If you're in Denny's and it's your birthday, the chances are excellent that your life sucks!

♦ The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I'm pretty sure she's going to get me something.

♦ The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

♦ I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

♦ Money can't buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!

♦ The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because almost nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T. Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk ALL the time.

Two men are putting up shelves getting a shop ready at the airport
They decide to take tea break
One guy says to the other "I bet some stupid tourist opens the door to see what were selling"
Sure enough, a minute later a Japanese tourist pops his head in
"What you sell" he says
One of the guys looks at him with a grimace and says "arseholes were selling arseholes"
The Japanese guys replies "Ahh your doing velly well, only 2 left"

A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check
'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.

An old lady went to the Bank of America with a large bag full of money

She insisted on speaking to the president of the Bank in order to open a savings account because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After much discussion an employee took her to the office of the president.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit.

She said $165,000.

Curious, he asked her how she had saved such a large sum of money.

The old lady said she made bets.

The president, quite surprised, asked: “What kind of bets?”

The old lady said: “For example, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square”.

The president started to laugh and pointed out that this kind of bet was impossible to win.

The old lady replied: “Would you like to make a bet?”

“Certainly”, answered the president, “I can guarantee you that my testicles are not square”.

The old lady then said to him:

“Given the size of the bet, I’ll come back tomorrow at 10am with my lawyer as a witness, if that’s ok with you”.

“No problem” said the president.

That evening, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of his mirror examining his testicles, turning them in all directions, again and again, in order to make sure that his testicles could not be seen as square and therefore be sure to win this bet.

On the next day, 10am sharp, the old lady arrived with her lawyer at the president's office.

The president then dropped his trousers so that she and her lawyer could see everything.

The old lady came closer and said that given the amount money involved, she needed to touch them to be completely certain. The president agreed and the old lady, smiling, started examining his testicles.

At that point the president looked up to see the lawyer banging his head against the wall.

“What's his problem?”, he asked the old lady.

To which she answered: “I bet him $100,000 that at around 10am today I would be holding the testicles of the president of the Bank of America in my hand.”

Q. What would you see if you had a ten Inch dick growing out of your forehead?

A. Nothing, your balls are in the way

THIS JUST IN: It's been reported that a prison bus has collided with a cement mixer. Citizens should be on the lookout for twenty-one hardened criminals!

*A Joke From The Back Pages Of Forum*

A woman in her fifties is at home, unclothed, happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight.
Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram, and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year-old.
The husband replies, "What did he say about your 55-year old ass?"
"Your name never came up," she replied.

I have been on dozens of larks;
I like it indoors, not in parks.
You feel more at ease,
Your ass doesn't freeze;
And strollers don't make snide remarks.

A man is riding the bus when at a stop, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen gets on. The only problem is that she is a nun. He decides to approach her anyway. "si.ster, you are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen and I must have sex with you." he says.


"I'm sorry but I've given my body to God" she replies and then leaves.


Suddenly the bus driver turns around to the guy and says "I know a way you can get her in the sack." The bus driver tells the guy about how the nun goes to the cemetery every night at 9 to pray, and if he dresses up and convinces her he's God, she might have sex with him.


That night at 9, the man is in the cemetery hiding behind a gravestone. When the nun approaches in the darkness he jumps out and says "si.ster, I am God and I command you to have sex with me." She replies "Well I mustn't deny God. However I want to remain a virgin so I will only take it up the ass."


The guy figures this isn't a problem and proceeds to have the best sex ever.


After it is over he whips off his outfit and says "Surprise, I'm the guy on the bus"


With that the nun turns around and says


"Surprise, I'm the bus driver."

I decided to go to the local Pow-Wow at the Beaver Lake Reserve for the first time to see what it was all about. I sat down and the Chief came up to me, laid his hands on my hand and said:
"By the will of the Elders and the Great Creator, you will walk today."
I told him I wasn't paralyzed, but I did have a small bunion on my left foot.
He came back and laid his hands on me again and, looking skywards he earnestly repeated his mantra: "By the will of the Elders and the Great Creator, you will walk today."
Once again, I told him there really was nothing wrong with me. After prayers I stepped outside.
And sure as hell, my truck was gone !!!

Q: What's the best way to a man's heart?

A: With good stroke.

nice one ICU *lix*

The Cat In The Hat On Aging
I cannot see, I cannot pee
I cannot chew, I cannot screw
Oh my god, what can l do?
My memory shrinks, my hearing stinks
No sense of smell, I look like hell
My mood is bad, can you tell?
My body's drooping, Have trouble pooping
The golden years have come at last
The Golden Years can kiss my Arse!!

*lix*

'Mummy Mummy, what were you doing bouncing on Daddys stomach last night?'
"I have to do that or Daddys belly gets very fat. Bouncing keeps him skinny"
'Well thats not going to work'
"Why not darling?"
'Because the babysitter keeps blowing him back up again'
*lix*

one from shyguys page, he has some great memes *lix*

*lix*

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

When a women wears a bikini she exposes 90% of her body. But most men have enough respect to only stair at the clothed bits..

Husband always insisted on making love in the dark. After 20 years wife turns on the light, finds him holding a vibrator. She goes balistic, "You impotent bastard! How could you lie to me all these years?" Husband looks her straight in the eyes & calmly says, "I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids....."

A cow boy an American Indian and a Australian are sitting in a bar the Indian says once we were many now we are few the Australian said once we were few now we are many and the cowboy replies that's because we haven't played Cowboys and Australians yet

What’s the difference between your wife and your job?

After five years, your job will still suck.

Q: How does a woman scare a gynecologist?
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A: By becoming a ventriloquist!

Two elderly women, Mary and Susan, were sitting outside their nursing home, enjoying a coffee and a cigarette. They were having a great time talking when suddenly, it started to pour rain. It was absolutely pissing down, and one of the ladies calmly pulled a condom out of her purse, cut the end off and slipped it on her cigarette, then continued smoking without a care in the world. The other looked at her in surprise with her soggy cigarette and asked .. 'whats that? '
Mary replied, 'its a condom of course'.
Susan exclamined, 'thats ingenious, but where did you get it? '
Mary replied, 'you can get them at any pharmacy these days'
The next day, Susan hobbled into the local pharmacy, parked her walker at the checkout and started looking for the condoms, but couldnt find them. The sales assistant came over and asked her what she was looking for, she said 'l want a packet of condoms please..'
The assistant said 'is there any particular brand youre after mam? '
Susan shrugged and replied, 'doesnt matter what brand. so long as it fits a camel thanks'
*lix*

Ok...

What does an elderly woman have that the new Fast & The Furious movie doesn't?...


A walker!
--------------------------------------- added after 81 seconds

What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?


Christopher Walken!


Muhahahahahahahahaha!
Terrible...

A bus full of ugly people met after an accident, all of them died.
Before entering heaven, they each got a wish. The first said 'make me beautiful' and it happened. The rest followed with the same wish. When it came to the last person he was laughing. The voice asked him 'why are you laughing? and what is your wish?'
The last person answered, 'make them all ugly again' lol,
once an arsehole, always an arsehole
*lix*

only registered users can see external links
*lix*
--------------------------------------- added after 7811 hours

A police officer came to my house and asked me where l was between 5 and 6.
He seemed irritated when l answered 'Kindergarten!'
(someone so kindly had the link deleted. *lix*)

Why start a new thread when members have 8 pages and 363 entries on this one?

/forum/thread.php?id=22514#364

Q. What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
A. Getting fingered by Captain Hook.