Started by #523455 at 17,Aug,17 00:07
 | Welcome everyone.... come and share your jokes, let's have a laugh |
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"Oh dear!" cried the student, mortified, "I'm ever so sorry."
"That's OK," said the qualified surgeon, "but we can't let him walk about without them, poor chap will think he's deformed."
"Well," said the nurse, "there's a jar of pickled onions in the cupboard. If you sew a couple of those on, he won't know the difference."
"I suppose that's all we can do," said the qualified surgeon so the student carried on and after she had extracted the bloke's appendix, the nurse got the two biggest pickled onions she could find out the jar and they were sewn on underneath the guy's dick and he was wheeled back to the ward to recouperate.
Couple of days later, the qualified surgeon was doing his rounds and went up to speak to the bloke. "Hello, Mr. Smith," he said, all bright and cheery, "how are you today?"
"I'm fine, thanks, doctor," said the bloke "but there's one thing that's puzzling me."
"What's that?" asked the surgeon.
"Well," said the bloke, "you know when you get a hard-on every time you see a gorgeous woman in tight sexy clothes?"
"Yes," said the surgeon, nodding understandably.
"Well," went on the bloke, "I get one every time I see a cheese sandwich".
Its going to be called "For Four Eyes Only".
"An old woman walked up and tied her old mule to the hitching post.
As she stood there, brushing some of the dust from her face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
He looked at the woman and laughed,
"Hey old woman, have you ever danced?"
The woman looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No ... I never did dance ... Never really wanted to"
A crowd has gathered as the young gunslinger grinned and said, "Well you old bag, you're gonna dance now!", and started shooting at the old woman's feet.
The old woman prospector - not wanting to have her toes blown off- started hopping around. Many were laughing.
When his last bullet was fired, the gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old woman turned to her pack mule, pulled out a double-barrelled shotgun and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air, and the crowd immediately stopped laughing.
The gunslinger heard the sounds too, and turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched tensely as he stared at the woman and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in her hands as she quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No m'am, but I've always wanted too"
THERE ARE FIVE LESSONS HERE FOR ALL OF US:
1 - Never be arrogant.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old people; they didn't get old by being stupid."
🖋️ ~John Mitchell~
He replied, No, just having a shit..
'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession... I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.'
The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'
Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.'
This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Fanny Green?'
'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.
'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.;
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, Voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Fanny Green?'
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father,
I think it's just a reflection from her shoes father😆
“Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,” he said, “How much will you charge me?”
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, “How about $50?”
The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.
The man’s wife, overhearing the conversation, said to her husband, “Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?”
He responded, “That’s a bit cynical, isn’t it?”
The wife replied, “You’re right. I guess I’m starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we’ve been getting by email lately.”
Later that day, the blonde teenager came to the door to collect her money.
“You’re finished already?” the startled husband asked.
“Yes”, she replied, “and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.”
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip.
“And, by the way," the teenager added, “it’s not a Porch, it’s a Lexus.”
“Naah, I’m good,” his buddy says. “I’ve got a ball.”
“You’ve got A ball? Just one??”
“It’s a lucky ball; it’s all I need,” he responds.
“But what if you lose it?”
“I can’t.”
“Oh, that’s crazy!” his friend exclaims. What about the pond?”
“It floats.”
“What if you hit it into the woods?”
“It beeps.”
“What about the dark woods?”
“It glows in the dark.”
The friend just shakes his head in amazement. “That’s incredible! Where did you get a ball like that?”
“I found it.”
A little later on that night, Sarah, Moishe’s wife, feels the same need. She goes to the bathroom and sits down without bothering to turn on the light. However, as Moishe has left the seat up, her “landing” is rather abrupt. Worse, she finds herself stuck in that ungainly position, legs splayed in the air.
“Moishe! Come help me!” she cries. So Moishe gets up, puts on his yarmulke, and goes into the bathroom. But try as he might (did I mention that Moishe is an old man, and not a fount of strength?) he could not extricate Sarah from her predicament. So Moishe is forced to call 911.
As the paramedic comes in, Moishe remembers that, though he is pious, his wife Sarah is also quite modest, so, taking a deep breath, he removes his yarmulke and places it over Sarah’s most private area.
When the paramedic gets to the bathroom (did I mention the paramedic is not a Member Of the Tribe?) he looks over the situation: Sarah, legs splayed on the commode, and Moishe kneeling beside her, his hand holding his yarmulke over her private area. He turns to Moishe and says, “Well, the good news is, I can save your wife…but I’m afraid the rabbi is a goner.”
Well, the men agree to the requirements, and soon find themselves back on Earth, walking along a road. Before long they come to a bakery. The Frenchman looks inside and sees a fresh-baked baguette. He inhales deeply, drinking in the aroma…and then, POOF! The Frenchman is gone.
“Boy, Pete wasn’t kidding,” the two remaining men say to each other. “We’d better watch out!”
A little further down the road, though, the Jew spies a quarter on the ground. He tries to look away, but he just can’t help himself, so he bends over to pick up the coin…and then POOF! The Greek is gone.
Cause he blew 100 bucks at the strip club.
After 2 months of exercise it's now a little fit bunny😂
Sister Bridgette, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a pub in Tralee. The place was quite lively with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, May I please use the restroom
The bartender replied, “Of course Sister, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.
Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,said the good Sister.
So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the pub. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?
Well, now they know you're one of us,said the bartender, “Would you like a drink,No thank you, but, I still don't understand,said the puzzled nun.
You see, laughed the bartender,every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?
She rolled her eyes and said, “Here comes the a**hole with flowers in his hand. Now he’ll expect me to spend the weekend on my back with my legs in the air.”
Her friend promptly replied, “Don’t you have a vase?”
“Sir, you’re only allowed one seat, can you please sit up?"
The man groans, but stays where he is. The usher, becoming impatient with the man, says “Sir, if you don’t get up, I will need to get my manager involved”.
Again the man just groans, which infuriates the usher as he marches off to get the manager. In a few moments he returns with the manager and they both repeatedly attempt to move him, but with no success. It was at this point that the manager calls the police.
Moments later, a police officer arrives and approaches the man, “alright buddy, what’s your name?”
“Sam” the man moans.
“And where ya from Sam?”
With pain in his voice Sam replied “the balcony”.
The women were clearly beckoning the guys to enter. The guys were ecstatic. Saved and maybe lucky even! They went into the tent and start having fun with the women.
Suddenly they were seized by guards and a fierce-looking “Sheik Yerboudi” type guy burst in and he was beyond furious. “How dare you touch my women without my permission?” he screamed in their faces. “You must pay dearly!”
He asked one man what he did for a living. “I’m a cop.”, the man said. The sheik said, “Good! We will shoot your manhood off!”
He asked the next guy the same thing and the guy replied, “I’m a fireman.” “Good!” said the sheik. “We will burn your manhood off!”
He asked the last guy the same question and the guy replied with a huge, leering grin, “I’m a lollipop salesman!!!”
Because even his penis thinks he is a c**t
Man just phoned his missus and said he was just leaving work, did she want him to pick up fish and chips on his way home He was met with a stony silence. He thinks that she still regrets letting him name the twins.
Boris Johnson has gone into the pop market and has released two records, hoping one of them will be the Christmas no. 1.
They're called "It's My Party and I'll Lie If I Want To" and "Let's Test Again, Like We Did Last Summer."
--------------------------------------- added after 23 seconds
In fact, he says so himself.
Boris has just released another single:
The Party's Over, It's Time to Call it a Day.
--------------------------------------- added after 48 seconds
Get it hoe down
The Mom replies, “I don’t think that’s a good idea, Dear. Fifi is in heat.” “What does that mean?”, asks the little girl.
The mother didn’t want to have that talk yet so she said, “Why don’t you ask your father what that is? He’s in the garage.” The girl went to the garage and asked her father, “Daddy, may I take Fifi for a walk around the block? Mommy said Fifi is In heat so I should ask you.”
Well, Dad didn’t want to have that talk either so he asked the girl to bring Fifi to him. He then took a rag, poured some gas on it and gently rubbed it on Fifi’s butt. “There.”, he said. “Now you can take her around the block, but only once.”
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no Fifi.
“Where’s Fifi?” the father asked.
“She should be here in a minute.” said the girl. She ran out of gas half way down the block and another dog is pushing her home."
The meteorologist replied “Because the Indians are collecting wood like crazy.”
“I don’t have a driver’s license, officer,” says the blonde. “And as for the registration, well, I don’t know where it might be. You see, I stole this car.”
The officer is deeply suspicious by this point. “Please open your trunk, Ma’am,” he says.
“Oh, I can’t do that, officer,” she responds. “There’s a dead body in there.”
Fully alarmed now, the officer tells her to keep her hands where he can see them, and he calls for backup. Within minutes, four squad cars screech to a stop, with the precinct captain in the lead. He approaches the blonde and demands to see her driver’s license.
“Here it is, Captain,” she says. “And here’s my automobile registration, too.”
“Well…please open your trunk, Ma’am.” She does so, revealing nothing more ominous than a spare tire. “Well, what the – my officer said you had no license, no registration, you’re driving a stolen car, and that you have a dead body in your trunk!”
“He did, did he? Huh – I bet he told you I was speeding, too.”
The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used that repairman since...
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.
Are you the manager?”, she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.Actually, no” the man replies Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him, she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
I’m afraid I can’t, breathes the bartender. “Is there anything I can do?”
Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message, she continues, slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
Ah..what should I tell him?” the bartender manages to squeak.
Tell him, she whispers there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room.
(Consuelo)
Cunts way low
And then I saw her face..
Two old woman meet for a coffee, one lady says to the other,did you come on the bus the other replies yes, but i made it look like an asthma attack..
A irish man and his son went to the ****, a sign says feed the elephant a bun to get your age The little boy gives the elephant a bun and it stamps it's foot 6 times.wow" says the boy that's right i am 6, you have a go dad, The irish dad gives the elephant a bun, A moment later the elephant farts and stamps twice,be jesus that's right" said the father.i am farty two..
When giving it doggy style,spit on her back,so she (or he for some of you) thinks you've cum,
When she turns around blast her in the face.
Known as The Pirate because she'll put 1 hand over her eye,
and shout AAAAARRRRGGGGHHHH.
“Why’d you do that?” the other men want to know.
“We have a LOT of whiskey in Texas,” he explains.
Not to be outdone, the Californian removes a wine bottle from his pocket, uncorks it, takes a sip, and then hurls the rest of the bottle into the air. He takes his six-shooter out, and BLAM! glass shards and wine are coming down.
“We have a LOT of wine in California,” he says.
Without saying a word, the Oregonian takes out his gun and shoots the Californian.
The old guy said proudly as we ran along, “80! I’m 80 years old and here’s nothing I can’t do now that I couldn’t do when I was your age! Nothing at all! How ’bout that?”
I told him how amazing that was and how much I admired him but, being me, I asked him if I might ask him a personal question. Eye personal.
He said he was OK with that so I asked him if he still had an active sex life.
He told me, “Yup! I have sex almost every day! Almost Monday, almost Tuesday, almost Wednesday…
I ask my 93 year old father one time how old you are when your junk quits working at first he said junk then he paused and said oh my junk I don’t know you will have to ask someone a lot older than me
She said, “There was 3 eggs in it and $40,000. Where did they come from?”
I told her, “For 35 years, whenever I found a woman who was worth fucking, I’d put an egg in the safe.”
She says, “That’s not so bad, 3 women in 35 years. I can live with that!”
I told her, “Whenever I got a dozen eggs, I’d sell them and put the money in the safe. That’s where the $40,000 came from!”
This morning she said “I think we should split up”
I said “good idea we’ll cover more ground that way
But, it turned out to be an optical Aleutian. 🤪🤪🤪
Then, it hit me 🤬🤬🤬
[deleted image]
--------------------------------------- added after 3 minutes
@Degraff@
They ended up in a tie
Fruit flies like a banana
--------------------------------------- added after 34 seconds
Thanks to Jseagull0403
Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench when a flasher jumped out at them. Two of the ladies had a stroke, the third couldn't reach.
I got my sneakers from a drug dealer. I don't know what they are laced with, but I've been tripping all day...
It’s kind of annoying, sometimes I’m still in bed when he knocks.
However, the smile on his face is so gratifying when I tell him, “Your wife passed away 20 years ago!”