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Joke Central

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Started by #523455 at 16,Aug,17 20:07
Welcome everyone.... come and share your jokes, let's have a laugh



Similar topics: 1.Mutual Mastubation Groups in Central NJ   2.===== Joke Of The Day =====   3.Any guys, under 27, in central PA?   4.Tell Us A Joke   5.Central PA  

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By leopoldij at 15,Jul,18 15:17 other posts of leopoldij 
An old lady went to the Bank of America with a large bag full of money

She insisted on speaking to the president of the Bank in order to open a savings account because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After much discussion an employee took her to the office of the president.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit.

She said $165,000.

Curious, he asked her how she had saved such a large sum of money.

The old lady said she made bets.

The president, quite surprised, asked: “What kind of bets?”

The old lady said: “For example, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square”.

The president started to laugh and pointed out that this kind of bet was impossible to win.

The old lady replied: “Would you like to make a bet?”

“Certainly”, answered the president, “I can guarantee you that my testicles are not square”.

The old lady then said to him:

“Given the size of the bet, I’ll come back tomorrow at 10am with my lawyer as a witness, if that’s ok with you”.

“No problem” said the president.

That evening, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of his mirror examining his testicles, turning them in all directions, again and again, in order to make sure that his testicles could not be seen as square and therefore be sure to win this bet.

On the next day, 10am sharp, the old lady arrived with her lawyer at the president's office.

The president then dropped his trousers so that she and her lawyer could see everything.

The old lady came closer and said that given the amount money involved, she needed to touch them to be completely certain. The president agreed and the old lady, smiling, started examining his testicles.

At that point the president looked up to see the lawyer banging his head against the wall.

“What's his problem?”, he asked the old lady.

To which she answered: “I bet him $100,000 that at around 10am today I would be holding the testicles of the president of the Bank of America in my hand.”


By Louis at 15,Jul,18 08:07 other posts of Louis 
THIS JUST IN: It's been reported that a prison bus has collided with a cement mixer. Citizens should be on the lookout for twenty-one hardened criminals!


By licksipsuckit at 18,Jun,18 23:18 other posts of licksipsuckit 
*A Joke From The Back Pages Of Forum*

A woman in her fifties is at home, unclothed, happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight.
Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram, and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year-old.
The husband replies, "What did he say about your 55-year old ass?"
"Your name never came up," she replied.


By tb1 at 18,Apr,18 16:49 other posts of tb1 
I have been on dozens of larks;
I like it indoors, not in parks.
You feel more at ease,
Your ass doesn't freeze;
And strollers don't make snide remarks.
By AussieMan187 at 16,Jun,18 21:50 other posts of AussieMan187 
By tb1 at 16,Jun,18 22:50 other posts of tb1 




By AussieMan187 at 24,May,18 06:32 other posts of AussieMan187 
A man is riding the bus when at a stop, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen gets on. The only problem is that she is a nun. He decides to approach her anyway. "si.ster, you are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen and I must have sex with you." he says.


"I'm sorry but I've given my body to God" she replies and then leaves.


Suddenly the bus driver turns around to the guy and says "I know a way you can get her in the sack." The bus driver tells the guy about how the nun goes to the cemetery every night at 9 to pray, and if he dresses up and convinces her he's God, she might have sex with him.


That night at 9, the man is in the cemetery hiding behind a gravestone. When the nun approaches in the darkness he jumps out and says "si.ster, I am God and I command you to have sex with me." She replies "Well I mustn't deny God. However I want to remain a virgin so I will only take it up the ass."


The guy figures this isn't a problem and proceeds to have the best sex ever.


After it is over he whips off his outfit and says "Surprise, I'm the guy on the bus"


With that the nun turns around and says


"Surprise, I'm the bus driver."


By kebmo at 23,May,18 04:18 other posts of kebmo 
♦ When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

♦ Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

♦ America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.

♦ You know that tingly little feeling you get when you love someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.

♦ Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

♦ My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

♦ I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

♦ Money talks... all mine ever says is good-bye.

♦ You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.

♦ If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

♦ I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a D-cup bra and say, "Here, fill this out?"

♦ My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.

♦ My 65 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I'm worried about the 175 pounds I've gained since then.

♦ Denny's has a slogan, "If it's your birthday, the meal is on us." If you're in Denny's and it's your birthday, the chances are excellent that your life sucks!

♦ The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I'm pretty sure she's going to get me something.

♦ The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

♦ I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

♦ Money can't buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!

♦ The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because almost nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T. Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk ALL the time.


By kebmo at 28,Apr,18 14:16 other posts of kebmo 
I decided to go to the local Pow-Wow at the Beaver Lake Reserve for the first time to see what it was all about. I sat down and the Chief came up to me, laid his hands on my hand and said:
"By the will of the Elders and the Great Creator, you will walk today."
I told him I wasn't paralyzed, but I did have a small bunion on my left foot.
He came back and laid his hands on me again and, looking skywards he earnestly repeated his mantra: "By the will of the Elders and the Great Creator, you will walk today."
Once again, I told him there really was nothing wrong with me. After prayers I stepped outside.
And sure as hell, my truck was gone !!!


By Mazinga at 08,Feb,18 20:43 other posts of Mazinga 
Q: What's the best way to a man's heart?

A: With good stroke.


By licksipsuckit at 13,Nov,17 22:04 other posts of licksipsuckit 

nice one ICU *lix*


By leopoldij at 05,Nov,17 03:54 other posts of leopoldij 


By licksipsuckit at 01,Nov,17 02:37 other posts of licksipsuckit 
The Cat In The Hat On Aging
I cannot see, I cannot pee
I cannot chew, I cannot screw
Oh my god, what can l do?
My memory shrinks, my hearing stinks
No sense of smell, I look like hell
My mood is bad, can you tell?
My body's drooping, Have trouble pooping
The golden years have come at last
The Golden Years can kiss my Arse!!

*lix*
By leopoldij at 05,Nov,17 03:47 other posts of leopoldij 
🤣🤣🤣👌👌👌



By licksipsuckit at 05,Nov,17 02:48 other posts of licksipsuckit 
'Mummy Mummy, what were you doing bouncing on Daddys stomach last night?'
"I have to do that or Daddys belly gets very fat. Bouncing keeps him skinny"
'Well thats not going to work'
"Why not darling?"
'Because the babysitter keeps blowing him back up again'
*lix*


By licksipsuckit at 05,Oct,17 21:01 other posts of licksipsuckit 

one from shyguys page, he has some great memes *lix*


By licksipsuckit at 05,Oct,17 03:36 other posts of licksipsuckit 

*lix*


By Icudoiwill2 at 23,Sep,17 23:02 other posts of Icudoiwill2 
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."


By Icudoiwill2 at 21,Sep,17 17:25 other posts of Icudoiwill2 
When a women wears a bikini she exposes 90% of her body. But most men have enough respect to only stair at the clothed bits..
By licksipsuckit at 21,Sep,17 18:07 other posts of licksipsuckit 
lol, and when you take it off, they try not to stare at the bits that were covered.. *lix*



By leopoldij at 21,Sep,17 10:14 other posts of leopoldij 
Husband always insisted on making love in the dark. After 20 years wife turns on the light, finds him holding a vibrator. She goes balistic, "You impotent bastard! How could you lie to me all these years?" Husband looks her straight in the eyes & calmly says, "I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids....."


By dgraff at 15,Sep,17 06:00 other posts of dgraff 
A cow boy an American Indian and a Australian are sitting in a bar the Indian says once we were many now we are few the Australian said once we were few now we are many and the cowboy replies that's because we haven't played Cowboys and Australians yet
By RealTitsLover at 15,Sep,17 06:41 other posts of RealTitsLover 
Ya know, there's at least a few Australians on here that have mentioned to me how much they dislike a couple other Australian members... So maybe some would be worth saving?
By dgraff at 15,Sep,17 17:55 other posts of dgraff 
Your right I have some good Australians that I talk to and I shouldn't take it out on the good ones just because of a hand full of bad ones




By leopoldij at 28,Aug,17 18:09 other posts of leopoldij 
What’s the difference between your wife and your job?

After five years, your job will still suck.
By DJS at 15,Sep,17 04:57 other posts of DJS 
By leopoldij at 15,Sep,17 08:25 other posts of leopoldij 
personal experience my friend...
By DJS at 15,Sep,17 11:40 other posts of DJS 
Yes, that,s why women smile when walking back down the isle after marriage,that,s the end off BJ





By leopoldij at 15,Sep,17 08:29 other posts of leopoldij 
Q: How does a woman scare a gynecologist?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
A: By becoming a ventriloquist!


By licksipsuckit at 10,Sep,17 23:06 other posts of licksipsuckit 
Two elderly women, Mary and Susan, were sitting outside their nursing home, enjoying a coffee and a cigarette. They were having a great time talking when suddenly, it started to pour rain. It was absolutely pissing down, and one of the ladies calmly pulled a condom out of her purse, cut the end off and slipped it on her cigarette, then continued smoking without a care in the world. The other looked at her in surprise with her soggy cigarette and asked .. 'whats that? '
Mary replied, 'its a condom of course'.
Susan exclamined, 'thats ingenious, but where did you get it? '
Mary replied, 'you can get them at any pharmacy these days'
The next day, Susan hobbled into the local pharmacy, parked her walker at the checkout and started looking for the condoms, but couldnt find them. The sales assistant came over and asked her what she was looking for, she said 'l want a packet of condoms please..'
The assistant said 'is there any particular brand youre after mam? '
Susan shrugged and replied, 'doesnt matter what brand. so long as it fits a camel thanks'
*lix*
By leopoldij at 11,Sep,17 18:56 other posts of leopoldij 
I missed that. Funny.
By licksipsuckit at 11,Sep,17 20:10 other posts of licksipsuckit 
camels are a brand of cigarette *lix*
By leopoldij at 12,Sep,17 00:15 other posts of leopoldij 
I know.
When I wrote I missed that I meant that I didn't see it earlier. 😁





By AussieMan187 at 17,Aug,17 08:30 other posts of AussieMan187 
Ok...

What does an elderly woman have that the new Fast & The Furious movie doesn't?...


A walker!
--------------------------------------- added after 81 seconds

What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?


Christopher Walken!


Muhahahahahahahahaha!
Terrible...
By leopoldij at 17,Aug,17 09:54 other posts of leopoldij 
Why should you never greet my friend Jack at the airport?
By AussieMan187 at 25,Aug,17 04:39 other posts of AussieMan187 
"Hijack!"
By leopoldij at 25,Aug,17 17:51 other posts of leopoldij 
correct!!
By AussieMan187 at 28,Aug,17 05:31 other posts of AussieMan187 
I'll give credit to Lix for that one
By leopoldij at 28,Aug,17 13:51 other posts of leopoldij 
Ha ha. She's always witty.







By licksipsuckit at 26,Aug,17 00:24 other posts of licksipsuckit 
A bus full of ugly people met after an accident, all of them died.
Before entering heaven, they each got a wish. The first said 'make me beautiful' and it happened. The rest followed with the same wish. When it came to the last person he was laughing. The voice asked him 'why are you laughing? and what is your wish?'
The last person answered, 'make them all ugly again' lol,
once an arsehole, always an arsehole
*lix*
By Icudoiwill2 at 26,Aug,17 22:49 other posts of Icudoiwill2 
love it. Aussie humour.
By licksipsuckit at 27,Aug,17 09:18 other posts of licksipsuckit 
yeah l loved it, its our warped sense of humour *lix*


By AussieMan187 at 28,Aug,17 05:32 other posts of AussieMan187 
HAHA! That's a good one



By licksipsuckit at 23,Aug,17 09:44 other posts of licksipsuckit 
only registered users can see external links
*lix*
--------------------------------------- added after 7811 hours

A police officer came to my house and asked me where l was between 5 and 6.
He seemed irritated when l answered 'Kindergarten!'
(someone so kindly had the link deleted. *lix*)
By leopoldij at 23,Aug,17 18:38 other posts of leopoldij 
Cops have no sense of humour
By licksipsuckit at 23,Aug,17 19:16 other posts of licksipsuckit 
l wonder if a cop pulled you up naked in your car, would they charge you?? l wonder why you would want to be a cop?? what would possess someone to want to put on a uniform and make yourself a target for being a cunt?? *lix*
By leopoldij at 23,Aug,17 21:39 other posts of leopoldij 
You're absolutely right.
Why?
By licksipsuckit at 23,Aug,17 21:48 other posts of licksipsuckit 
just Random Bullshitting, adding to the crap that makes the fabric of the SHOWITOFF universe *lix*
By leopoldij at 24,Aug,17 03:22 other posts of leopoldij 
You're so wrong. Only intellectual discussion should be allowed here.
By licksipsuckit at 24,Aug,17 03:40 other posts of licksipsuckit 
well someone got it all wrong !!! *lix*
By leopoldij at 24,Aug,17 06:09 other posts of leopoldij 
I'm wrong too. I do contribute with lots of bullshit.





By AussieMan187 at 25,Aug,17 04:41 other posts of AussieMan187 
I'd like to be a cop. I'd be like a Roger Rogerson type cunt of a cop.





By bella! at 16,Aug,17 20:36 other posts of bella! 
Why start a new thread when members have 8 pages and 363 entries on this one?

/forum/thread.php?id=22514#364
By Icudoiwill2 at 16,Aug,17 20:55 other posts of Icudoiwill2 
That might be the joke.
By bella! at 16,Aug,17 21:18 other posts of bella! 
Jordy's joke on us? Well I'll be!


By Icudoiwill2 at 22,Aug,17 22:55 other posts of Icudoiwill2 
why not?(please don,t hurt me)
By bella! at 23,Aug,17 09:31 other posts of bella! 
Are you advocate for those who atempt to reinvent the wheel?
By Icudoiwill2 at 23,Aug,17 22:55 other posts of Icudoiwill2 
What is this "Wheel" you talk of?





By licksipsuckit at 23,Aug,17 09:24 other posts of licksipsuckit 
once l farted in an elevator,
it was wrong on so many levels
*lix*


By licksipsuckit at 23,Aug,17 04:19 other posts of licksipsuckit 
l once met a girl with 12 nipples
sounds funny......dozen tit *lix*


By leopoldij at 22,Aug,17 21:57 other posts of leopoldij 
Q. What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
A. Getting fingered by Captain Hook.





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