A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy.

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.

"They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the Story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!

A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my penis and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

Moral of the Story: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

Joke: Little Johnny and Sex Education
The teacher at the beginning of the class says:
"OK kids, we are going to talk about sexual education today. First we'll talk about how the human reproduction goes on..."
Immediately, little Johnny raises his hand, and desperately tries to get the teacher's attention. But the teacher, knowing how little Johnny is about these things, goes on...
"... First, a man a woman have to be in love... " But little Johny keeps his hand up, waving it up and down, and from one side to the other one.
The teacher ignores him.."..They have to be very much in love because..."
But now little Johnny even starts making noise with his feet, so the teacher decides to acknowledge him:
" OK, little Johnny. What do you want to say."
Little Johnny then stands up, and says:
"I just wanted to ask... Those of us who have already fucked, can we leave?"
*lix*
(dragged from the bottom of forum for all those allergic to dust bunnies)

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass. A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'
'Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.
'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you..You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self.'
Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'
'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life! And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.
'I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants,' she said.
'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'
'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'
'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'
The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'
'You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?'
'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.
'No Kidding,' he said. 'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?'

*lix*

A boss said to his secretary I want to have SEX with you I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I'll be done. She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but "Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn't even have enough time to undressed himself." So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, what happened? She responds, "The Bastard used cents I'm still picking and he is still fucking!"

woman in a kitchen boiling eggs for breakfast, wearing only a t shirt and her husband walked in...she said to him, 'you have to make love to me this very minute....His eyes lit up thinking it was his lucky day...he laid her right there on the kitchen table...afterwards she said thanks and returned to the stove...happy but a little puzzled, he asked her what was that about?? she turned to him and said, 'the egg timers broken and l wanted the eggs soft boiled'
*lix*

My mate tried to upload a picture of his penis to Instagram today... It didn't work, he received the error message: "File size is too small!"

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walks into a bar in Dublin. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar & asked, "What man will buy a lady a drink?"
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owley-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter & bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!" The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.
She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit & asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?" Once again the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar & said, "Give the ballerina a drink!"
The bartender approached the drunk and said. "I say, old chap, it's not my business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?"
The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina."

Cowboy walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says,
"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

The wife, laying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you
weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."

The guy replies, "If you weren't such a bitch, you'd realize I was talking
to the sheep."

Not a joke but some may find these useful...

We all know those little computer symbols called "emoticons," where:
means a smile and is a frown.

Well, how about some "ASSICONS"?

Here goes:

(_!_) A regular ass

(__!__) A fat ass

(!) A tight ass

(_*_) A sore ass

{_!_} A swishy ass

(_o_) An ass that's been around

(_x_) Kiss my ass

(_X_) Leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) A tired ass

(_E=mc2_) A smart ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass

Q: What do you get if you stuff your hand up a gypsy's cunt when she is on her period?

A: Your palm Red!

Two guys playing golf.
One looks ahead, says: oh shit! It`s my wife and my mistress!
Second guy looks and says: uh-oh. Mine too!

There is this cattle rancher who only has one bull. He has noticed his bull has not been breeding any of his cows. With his concerns he takes his bull to the vet to see if anything was wrong with his bull. The vet says he is probally just bored put him in a stall for a couple of weeks alone and once you put him out he will be back to his self. The farmer didnt like that cause he is going to be missing out on breeding time and money. As he was loading his bull into the trailor a old farmer came up to him and said heres what you need to do . Reach up into one of the cows pussies and get your hands real wet ,rub it on the bulls nose and let him back in the field. He did and to his suprise the bull ran into the field and breed every cow in the field. He was amazed
He came back home got into bed with his wife and was thinking if that worked for my bull maybe it will work for me. So he reached down to his wifes pussy rubbed his hands on his nose and started to get hard . He was like holy shit. So he reached down got his hands soaking wet rubbed it all over his nose and got the biggest hardon be had ever had so he jumps out of bed ,turns the lights on and yell honey wake up look what i got. The wife wakes up looks at the husband and says , ow honey you meen you woke me up for a bloody nose....... Lol

What's the best thing about fucking twenty one year olds?
*
*
*
*
*
*
...There's twenty of them!

A vicar was walking through a red light district when he overheard a guy ask a lady of the night: "How much for a blowjob?"

"Twenty quid," the woman replied.

The vicar walked on and a few moments later he heard another guy ask another lady of the night the same question and get exactly the same answer.

Mystified, as he didn't know what a blowjob was, the vicar decided to stop off at the abbey on his way home and have a word with his friend, the reverend mother.

"Reverend mother," asked the vicar, "can I ask you a question?"

"Of course," said the reverend mother.

"What's a blowjob?"

"Twenty quid," the reverend mother replied, "same as it is in town."

* * * *

A boy comes home and says to his mother:

"mummy, I've just been to a strip club."

Oh, you naughty boy," replied his mother, horrified. "Did you see anything there you wasn't supposed to?"

"yeah," replied the boy, "daddy".

* * * *

A boy asked his mother:

"mummy, does grandpa sound like a frog?"

"Of course not, honey," his mother replied. "Whatever gave you that idea?"

"Because" replied the boy, "daddy just said that when grandpa croaks, we're all going to go to Disneyland."

* * * *

I bought a new perfume for my girlfriend, it's called **** but she says she doesn't like it.
she says it makes her sleepy and her arse sore..

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"
When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to ****.
Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third ****?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"
The Teacher fainted.

Me

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, 'Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it.'

'Dear,' the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, 'I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really nice, tight-looking ass!