What's the difference between light and hard?

You can s.l.e.e.p with a light on... 😉

REALLY! S.L.E.E.P. is cesored...

Bloke went to the doctor and the doctor said: "Hello mate, not seen you for a long while."

"No," replied the bloke, "I've been ill."

A large wall mirror, believed to be stolen, was left outside New Scotland Yard in London last night. Police say they are looking into it.

squirrels
The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God’s divine will.


At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistry. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistry and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.


The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later, the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.


The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do.


But the Catholic church came up with a more creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.


Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven’t seen a squirrel since.

You should never challenge death to a pillow fight...unless you're prepared for the REAPER CUSHIONS!

A guy walks into a bar and sees a drop dead gorgeous woman sitting at the bar. He sits himself next to her and buys her a drink. She smiles and opens her legs. He can’t believe his luck. He starts to move his hand under her skirt. She smiles, reaches inside her bra and takes a note out. She hands it to the guy.
Note says, when you get to my balls, don’t scream. I’m Elliot Ness under cover.

What do you call a female impersonator who also writes murder mysteries?

Dragatha Christie

"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled. "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.

Good forum topic. I want to appologize for my inappropriate comment. Im sorry if anyone was offended

THIS JUST IN: A cement truck has collided with a prison bus. The prisoners have escaped. Residents are warned to be on the lookout for fifteen hardened criminals!

Whats the difference between a lesbian and a canoe?

Lesbians dont tip

While I was flying down the road yesterday (only 15 miles per hr over) I noticed a cop with a radar gun sitting on top of a bridge. Naturally, he pulled me over, walked up to the car and asked me,"what's the hurry". I replied, "I'm late for work". Oh yeah, said the cop. "What do you do". I said, "I'm a rectum stretcher. The cop said "What"... A rectum stretcher? What does a rectum stretcher do". I said, ""well, I start with one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then my whole hand. Then I work until I get both hands in there, and then I slowly stretch it until it's about six foot wide. The cop asked me, "what the hell do you do with a six foot asshole?. I simply replied, "you give him a radar gun and park him on top of a bridge......" Bail $100 ticket$95. Look on cops face, priceless

A guy walks into a bar with a giraffe. The guy has a pint and then they go to leave the bar when the giraffe suddenly collapses and drops to the floor. The guy carries on walking to the door and the barman shouts, "Oi! You can't leave that lyin' there!"
The guy replies, "It's not a lion, it's a giraffe."


Two fish in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"


...sorry

One day a man, who has been stranded on a desert island fo over ten years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "It's certainly not a ship." He thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, or even a raft. Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes a drop dead gorgeous brunette women wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She approaches the stunned guy and sais to him, "tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years," replies the stunned man. With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes, he takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and sais, "man oh man! Is that good". "And how long has it been since you've had a sip of bourbon?" She asks him. Trembling the castaway replies, "ten years." She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, and pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask and takes a long drink and says, "wow, that's absolutely fantastic." At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man seductively and asks, " and how long has it been since you've played around?" With tears in his eyes, the guy falls to his knees and sobs, " oh sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too?"

Q: How do you get a small dog to quit humping your leg??


A: Pick him up and suck his dick.

In light of the season upon us...

What did the Jewish p.e.d.o.p.h.i.l.e. say to the lil boy?

C'mere lil boy! Gimme some candy...

A man was washing his car with his son, when they were done his son says " dad couldn't we have used a sponge? "

What's pink and has 7 little dents in it?


Snow White's cherry!

Q: How does a woman scare a gynecologist? 
A: By becoming a ventriloquist!

A daughter asked her mother how to spell penis, her mom said you should have asked me last night it was at the tip of my tongue.

Boy: "Want to hear a joke about my penis? Nevermind, it's too long." 
Girl: "Wanna hear a joke about my vagina? Nevermind, you won't get it."

I got a dog from a blacksmith, when i got him home he made a bolt for the door

What's pink and has 7 little dents in it?


Snow White's cherry!

Did you hear about the clairvoyant that got knocked down by a car? She didn't see it coming.

****

I went to the chiropodist the other day and the woman made a joke about one of my little toes. I thought, blimey that's a corny one.

*****

A guy goes for a pee and is shocked when the pee sprays out in different directions from some holes that have mysteriously developed along his cock during the night. He's too embarrassed to mention it to anyone and suffers with the problem as best as he can over the next few weeks until he finally builds up enough courage to see a doctor about it.

Doctor: Ok, what can I help you with today?
Guy: Well it's a bit embarrassing to be honest, doctor. I seem to have some new holes on my penis and it's causing me so much trouble as you can imagine. I've been worried about it for weeks now and I'm hoping you can help me, please?
Doctor: Hmmm, interesting. It's something I haven't come across before. Ok, let's have a look and see what we can do.

The guy lowers his trousers and the doctor examines his penis for a few moments, then writes a note and hands it to the guy.

Doctor: Give this man a call. I'm sure he'll be able to help you.
Guy: Oh, is he a specialist in problems to do with the penis, doctor?
Doctor: No, he's a clarinet player and could probably show you how to hold it properly.


I'm here all week, folks!

I met my wife at an orgy. Funny, as I thought she was at her s i s t e r ' s in Scunthorpe.

* * * *

A l a d y f r i e n d of mine loaned me a waterproof sheet.
I said: "Ta Pauline."

* * * *

How do you circumcise a whale?
Send down four skin divers...

A large hole has appeared in the middle of the Main Street.

Police are looking into it

Who’s do you call to clean the ocean?

Mermaids

A nurse pulls a thermometer out of her pocket and say's "some arseholes got my pen"

I wrote to my mother and said Iґd grown another foot

So she knitted me another sock

Did you hear about the chef who got annoyed when nobody liked his latest recipe?

He had a chip on his shoulder.

* * * *

Two fish run into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says "Dam."

What's the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?

Snowballs

Question to all:
Why is there a gate around cemeteries?

Two cannibals have to share a man, so they agree that one starts at each end.

(After a Minute)

First cannibal: Wow Iґm having a ball

Second cannibal: Hold on, youґre eating too fast

The difference between an Egg and a wank... you can beat an Egg but you can't beat a wank.

I went to my local Pharmacy, they were giving away free condoms but it was on a "first cum, first served" basis.

I used to work in the Viagra factory, they were hard times.

Bacon and eggs walked into a bar.

The bartender said, "We don't serve breakfast here."

Two cows meet in a field.

First cow: "Moooooooooo"

Second cow: "I was going to say that too!"

A priest, a rabbi and a buddist monk walk into a bar. The bartender takes one look and says " Is this a joke?"

What did Cinderella say when her photos were late arriving back from the chemist?

Some day my prints will come.

* * * *

How do you find will Smith in the snow...?
You look for the fresh prince

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Luke.
Luke who?
Luke through the peep hole and find out.

I hope you don't want to include jokes about menstruation in this thread because they aren’t funny. Period.

You know what the cannibal did after dumping his girlfriend?

He wiped his ass.