Started by #24286 at 26,Jun,10 17:56
 | Paddy confides in his best mate that he can't satisfy his wife in bed. His mate says maybe she's getting too hot and suggests taking a fan into the bedroom. Paddy says he hasn't got a fan but asks his mate if he would stand by the bed and flap a towel to help keep her cool. He agrees and the three of them head to the bedroom. It soon becomes apparent to his mate that Paddy is the problem, he just can't fuck! After half an hour his mate suggests that they swop places so Paddy takes charge of the towel and begins flapping as his mate fucks his wife. Almost straight away she is screaming in orgasmic pleasure. He fucks her on the bed, over a chair, on the dressing table, on the floor, then 69 each other and fuck some more before collapsing exhausted in a heap. Paddy, looking extremely pleased with himself, turns to his mate and says "That my friend, is how to flap a fucking towel" |
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Him: Doctor, I have this dreadful flatulence where I fart hugely all the time. Luckily, itґs quiet so nobody notices.
Doctor: Hmm, the problem isnґt with your digestion, but more with your ears
When we got there, I stayed in a corner waiting for the time to pass.
Then a man approached me and said, 'Enjoy life son, be happy because time flies. Look at me now, I didn't enjoy it.'
Then he passed his hand over my head and left.
My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodbye to the dead person.
When I looked in the coffin, I was horrified to see that the man in the coffin was the same man who had spoken to me!
I was so traumatized I couldn't sleep properly.
I had terrible nightmares. I was terrified of being alone.
I couldn't sleep without a night light for many years.
I saw many psychologists, endured much turmoil throughout my adolescent years.
It got better as I aged, but I would still occasionally wake up screaming in fear.
Years later, I discovered something incredible that changed my life.
The dead bastard had a twin.😆
The woman asked the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They're both fine. And, your brother named them for you.
Woman: No No No! Not my brother. He's an idiot! What did he name the girl
Doctor: Denise.
Woman: Ohh, that's actually a nice name. What about the boy?
Doctor deeply sighs Denephew.
"No," replied the bloke, "I've been ill."
* * * * *
Bloke went to the doctor and said: "doctor, you've gotta help me, I've got a strawberry stuck up my arse."
"Oh, don't worry," the doctor replied, "put a bit of cream on it."
* * * * *
Bloke went to the doctor and said: "doctor, you've gotta help me, I think I've got Tom Jones Syndrome. I can't seem to stop singing the green green grass of home".
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The bodyguard sees him and yells, MICKEY MOUSE!
The protester is shocked and runs away
Trump asks, Why did you yell Mickey Mouse?
He answers, I meant to say Donald Duck!
Im going to make you Fanny Singh😂
It was hard to hear
So far no one has given me a straight answer
I went on a date last night with a hot girl who has eczema...
Cracking tits!
Because theyґll wash up soon on the beach
One buries his treasures while the other treasures his berries
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Him: nope! You go down on me and Iґll owe you one
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I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer." The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything
Sounds marvellous, says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call.
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.
I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck
Where is it
At the circus,says the barman.
The circus?" repeats the duck.
That's right, replies the barman.
The circus?" the duck asks again. “That place with the big tent,
Yeah," the barman replies.
With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
Of course,the barman replies.
And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says …..
What the f*** would they want with a plasterer
Sorry if you dont get that a old Irish comic you to say it's the way I tell them..
Two farm girls getting their picture taken, and standing in front of the photographer and his camera
Girl1: whatґs taking so long?
Girl2: he has to focus
Girl1: Oh goody! Both of us?
Having legs that work!
BLUE PAINT
a 16 year old bouncing up and down on you for less than Ј10 that's why dads go to thailand.
Paul McCartney is already upset with his new wife,
apparently she is spending twice as much on shoes as the last one.
Blonde takes her car to be repaired, fearing an expensive bill. But the mechanic fixes it in 2 mins, nothin serious love, just shit in the air filter.She replies really.how often do i have to do that