Started by routemaster at 29,Jan,15 18:31 other posts of routemaster
 | We all need a laugh in these austere times and to forget for a while this mad world that we live in and the politicians who ruin it - and to brighten up the winter blues too, unless you're reading this in Australia.
Please add more if you want. Here's a few to start:- Last month I joined a fisting club. It has really widened my circle of friends. * * * * My girlfriend likes it doggy-style. Its great because she fetches my paper and slippers afterwards. * * * * Two fat blokes went to the pub. One said to the other: "You're round." "You can talk, you fat sod," his mate replied. * * * * My dentist has just been voted Dental Surgeon of the Year. But all he got was a little plaque. * * * * How do you get four gay men on a bar stool? Turn it upside down. * * * * Dr. Watson was bent over a chair stark naked. Sherlock Holmes came up to him and shoved a lemon up his arse. "Holmes, what are you doing?" screamed Watson. "A lemon entry, my dear Watson," replied Sherlock. * * * * What do you call it when two lesbians in wheelchairs are in the sixty-nine position? Meals on Wheels. * * * * What do you call a group of lesbians in a house full of dildos? Squatters. * * * * From the depths of the crypt at St. Giles Came a scream that resounded for miles Said the vicar "Good gracious Has Father Ignatius Forgotten the bishop has piles?" * * * * There was a young fellow called Dirk Who dozed off one day after work He woke with a scream When he had a wet dream And polished it off with a jerk * * * * A lady from Texas named Jill Used dynamite sticks for a thrill They found her vagina In North Carolina And bits of her tits in Brazil * * * * |
Similar topics: 1.SEX JOKES. 2.Dumpster jokes and humour.... 3.Joke Central 4.JOKES, ANECDOTES, PUNS, PERSONAL OR OTHER FUN STORIES 5.It just a joke
Who walks round all day with a pout on.
But folk think him rude
As he walks in the nude
And when he is nude he has nowt on.
Who like to touch with the parts that they kissed with
Then as they grew older
And gradually bolder
They touched with the parts that they pissed with
Who’s balls were of different sizes
One was so small
It was no ball at all
But the other one won several Prizes
Author unknown.
For an exam had to read works by Homer.
But they were so bloody boring
She ended up snoring
Before she fell into a coma.
Of young Jane and her boyfriend named Shane
One day they arranged
To both have their sex changed
And now Jane is Shane and Shane's Jane.
* * * *
Its going to be called "Ryvita".
* * * *
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
But not to fetch some water.
Jack fucked Jill
Who'd forgotten the pill
And they ended up with a daughter
* * * *
Eric Clapton wouldn't let the bag of blow fall off a balcony...
Old but still funny.
Whose sex life was strangely amiss,
For even with Venus
His recalcitrant penis
Would seldom do better than
t
h
i
s.
Into space that is quite economical.
But the good ones I've seen
So seldom are clean
And the clean ones so seldom are comical.
Who one day went out for a wank
He shot a big load
As he walked down the road
His balls had been full like a tank
An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: “I have lost my sense of taste.”
Chinese: “Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient’s mouth.”
Lawyer: “Ugh. this is kerosene.”
Chinese: “Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20.”
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.
Lawyer: “I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything.”
Chinese: “Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth.”
Lawyer (annoyed): “This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste.”
Chinese: “Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20.”
The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: “My eyesight has become very weak I can’t see at all.”
Chinese: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that, so take this $100.”
Lawyer (staring at the note): “But this is $20, not $100!!”
*lix* Copied off facebook
Whose rod was so long it bent.
So to save himself trouble
He bent it in double,
And instead of coming -- he went!
--------------------------------------- added after 35 seconds
A policeman from near Clapham Junction
had a penis that just would not function;
for his whole married life,
he deluded his wife,
with some snot on the end of his truncheon
He tried to get out but would fall.
One day a man flushed,
The fat man just blushed,
And quickly ran out of the mall.
It was a foreskin gone conclusion
* * * *
My cock started to tickle
And before I knew
Splash; through the room it flew
I stood up but all I could was wiggle.
It was an old banger.
* * * *
Who used dynamite sticks for a thrill,
They found her vagina in South Carolina
And bits of her tits in Brazil!
I have an enormous hiney;
so I stick my head in,
predicting I’ll win,
while everyone kisses it shiny!"
who is doing quite well on the stump.
All his insults and gaffes
only get him more laughs.
Will he wind up a champ or a chump?
A big fan of nice Doris Day
Judy Garland's a fave
Of Ray's best friend named Dave
No surprise then to find that they're gay
* * * *
- Darling, have you been unfaithful to me?
- Yes, honey, three times.
- When was the first time?
- Do you remember the situation when you went to a bank, but nobody would give you any credit? And finally the CEO of the bank himself signed the credit allowance to you.
- Thanks, darling. And when was the second time?
- Do you remember when you were very ill and nobody would agree to make the surgery for you? And finally the head of the department took care of you?
- Thank you darling, you saved my life. And with whom have you been unfaithful to me for the third time?
- Do you remember when you were a candidate to the position of city mayor and you were missing 36 votes?
--------------------------------------- added after 20 seconds
ha ha
Who really enjoyed FFM
He'd wear the girls out
Then they'd both scream and shout
When he shot his load all over them
* * * * *
There was a gay man named Jim
Who liked lots of assholes to rim
He'd stick in his tongue
In men both old and young
Before they fucked the life out of him
* * * *
I wish to be a DUCK..
So I might swim along the bank
and watch the people FISH!
_____________________________________________
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
some poems rhyme
and others don't!
Something, something, 'yowzer'...
I forget the rest,
but your mother's a whore.
* * * *
Shit in her cunt....
-Jimmy Carr-
After a couple of minutes, the Queen turned to Obama and said: "I'm ever so sorry, Mr. President, but there are some things even a Queen can't control."
"Oh, that's OK, your Maj," Obama replied, "for a moment I thought it was one of the horses."
* * * * *
And start to write a lim'rick
Im not worth a dime
When I try to rhyme
'cause bl00d's been flowing to my prick
Must have been dreaming about a hot chick
But there is no girl in my bed
God, the horniness drives me mad
And here I am again after one click
Who isn't gay but very hetty
She fucks lots of men
Then starts over again
Either in bed, on the floor or the settee
If women are not really your thing
Please don’t try to change
you may have much more range
As a top or a bottom or a something
Whose dick was so long he could suck it
He said with a grin
with cum on his chin
If my ear was a pussy I'd fuck it!
Who knew nothing about rhymicks
So he tried like this
And wrote like that
Until someone came and told him the truth to get another job something like selling fireworfireworks.
Who talked such a load of old blarney
'til one fateful day
He got carried away
And choked on his cheese and ham sarnie
Used a dynamite stick for a PHALLUS
They found her vagina
In North Carolina
And her asshole in Buckingham Palace.
***************
There once was a man from Madrass
Who's balls were constructed of bass,
When jangled together
They played Stormy Weather
And lightning shot out of his ass!
**************
There was a young man from Peru
Who spent the long night in a canoe
While dreaming of Venus
He jerked off his penis
And shot gobs of milky white goo!
***************
There once was a girl named Molly Brown
Who swore no man could take her down
Then over the hill came PissPotPeet
With 50 lbs of hanging meat.
He laid her down onto the grass
And shoved his meat into her Ass
Molly smiled and cut a fart
And blew his balls 10 miles apart.
Back over the hill limped PissPotPeet
With 50 lbs of fresh ground meat!
The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.
Who's cunt was sweet and juicy
The old men would die, the young men would cry
Just for a taste of her pussy
Who went on a day trip to Charmouth
Coming home in the rain
She got on the wrong train
And ended up stranded in Barmouth
* * * *
There was a young lady from Bedford
Who fancied so much Robert Redford
But she could not pronounce "r"
So when she talked of the star
He always got called Wobert Wedford
* * * *
Who always was in such a panic
So she went to the doctor
And, oh boy, he shocked her
When he said: "Your depression is manic."
* * * *
Alnwick (pronounced Annick) is an historic market town with a castle dating from 1096 in the County of Northumberland in the north-east of England
Her mother remarked as she kissed her,
"That fellow you've won,
Is sure to be fun,
Since tea he's fucked me and your sisterr."
Who got caught by his mom when lustin'
While cybering with "hedgethorn"
and looking at hardcore porn
And his daddy gave him a good bustin'
To her husband she couldn't be clearer
So he threw a big party
For Madam Arcati
But Elvira just wouldn't come near 'er
* * *
You have to be a fan of Noel Coward and his play "Blithe Spirit" and the 1945 film with Kay Hammond as Elvira, Rex Harrison as the husband and the incomparable Margaret Rutherford as Madam Arcati, to twig this one
Who was plumbing his girl by the sea
She said stop your plumbing,
There's somebody coming!
Said the plumber still plumbing... It's me!
Sat on a tuffet
Fondling her clit and tits
When along came young Rick
With his big swollen dick
And fucked little Miss Muffet to bits
Little Miss Muffet
Sat on a tuffet
Fondling her big clit and tits
When along came young Rick
With his wee swollen dick
And Miss Muffet's clit fucked his ass to bits
Whose sex life was strangely amiss,
For even with Venus
His recalcitrant penis
Would seldom do better than
t
h
i
s.
Who's cunt was sweet and juicy
The old men would die
The young men would cry
Just for a taste of her pussy.
Who designed for a castle its drawbridge
Over which the King dashed
But the bloody thing crashed
And the King said: "Fuck me, that's a poor bridge."
* * * *
p.s. Gorebridge is a place in Scotland in the southern suburbs of Edinburgh. I made this limerick up myself after passing through it on an excursion train from (and back to) London on 30th December 2015. All that way (400 miles or so there and 400 miles back) in a day, my mate and I were knackered on New Year's Eve